That is not my life, this is.

It's Friday.

On a 4 day work week Friday seems so far away, but I made it. Today I was woke up with the sound of heaven…Sophie laughing in her sleep.

That is the most precious sound ever. She is perfect. My unexpected gift in life. One that keeps on giving. Now she is the one who I'm constantly cleaning up after, especially since she believes she can drink out of a coke can, and feed herself, believes she can play in the dogs watering bowl, and the one I have to watch like a hawk! LOL! But she and her brother and sister are my everything.

Their smiles, their excitement, their stories, the way they all talk at one time trying to tell me everything that happened in their day that meant something to them, it's all wonderful.

One day I will walk into this house & it will be quiet, the floor cleaned, the washer won't run 24/7, and the dishes will be cleaned. But for now that is not my dream, that is not my ideals on a perfect day, and that is not my life.

This is.

Dirty floors, laundry, dishes, and all. And it's okay.

Much love, Me.

Someday and someday's

Someday's I just don't get it. I don't know how to handle life, but eventually those moments pass and I look back and realize even though I didn't know how, I did.

Today my dad came to my work to get Sophie for an hour so I could finish a report. As he leaves he says, "Val, we need to talk about something later". Well curiosity wasn't gonna kill this cat, I asked and he tried to say it really fast so that the pain wouldn't hurt me. But it did.

Seems Sophie's grandparents on her dad's side want to see her. They called my dad and told him that if I don't let them start seeing her they will take me to court. My reply is "to court we go". In the state of IL there are no Grandparent visitation rights.

The emotion I felt wasn't one of fear.

It was anger. I didn't like being threatened, doesn't set well with me. They are trying to bully me into giving them visitation. Well, we know how I don't deal with bullying very well.

God is good all the time. Today especially. I'm blessed beyond imagination and will hold my head up and say so. Will this be ok? Yes. How? I don't know but God say's "I've got this one too Val" and I believe HIM.

Scared of losing Sophie to visitation with them. No.

It will be ok. But I find myself closing down again. Pulling up my walls and going into defense mode. It's how I handle these things, I close myself off until I feel like I can handle it. I will be ok I keep telling myself, because…well because someday I will.

Much love, me.

My days

Life isn’t fair, but no one said it would be.

God is good, even when life isn’t. HE is my rock, my Grace supplier, my guide on situations where I am lost, and my everything. HE is there when I am trying to pull away. HE’s the voice I hear in my heart when I’m crying out “where are YOU”, saying “I’m still here, I’ve never left”. I often picture God sitting in my Pink fuzzy chair in my bedroom keeping watch over me. Especially when my day has been hard, and my heart is heavy. There is no peace like that of a child who has a momma or daddy sitting beside their bed keeping watch.

This life isn’t easy. But no one said it would be.

This past weekend I have quoted the words, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure a million times. Last fall I didn’t put the pool cover on, I’ve worked 3 days so far on the pool trying to get it ready to open. 3 days inside a 4’ plastic pool with 3 kids running crazily around, arguing, fighting, begging for this or that as if their last breath depended on it.

Each day when I got to the point of breaking, I quit. I couldn’t do it anymore. My sanity was worth more than 4’ plastic tub of water. I’m finding that my laundry pile and the dish pile and the dirty floor…well those things just are.

I don’t know how to do this life.

I have had to deal with so much in the last few years that I find myself settling with things and I don’t want to settle for anything. God tells me, “Val, you are mine! A child of God doesn’t settle! A child of God waits for the blessings beyond all things I can imagine.”

I’ve recently battled mentally with the “do I even know how to love” question, and when I met a guy recently I still don’t know. I don’t know how to know and right now I don’t know. Am I blessed? Beyond all things humanly imaginable.

These are the last few days of 2^nd grade for Ian and 4^th grade for Kennedy. There is no homework at the end of their day & these last few days we’ve had no nighttime extracurricular things going on. The idea of coming home and being is just terrific! There is nothing like it. Being home at night is wonderful. These are the days of smiles, laughter, popsicles, bike rides, and memories.

It’s during these soft moments that we can all breathe and say, “thank you”, watch the sunset over the trees, and know all is well in the world. Does it mean that we won’t have struggles? OMG No!

But for the moment I will have a banana popsicle and lean back with my feet up, the dishes, laundry & broom can wait.

Much love, me.

Mother's Day Blessings!

I struggled with Mother's Day. That's not a hidden fact.

I pleaded with God to show me Love, teach me Love.

Here's what happened.

1. Friday before Mother's Day. My friend Cheryl buried her mom. It was horrible watching someone lose her momma, clinging to the every second of her life. Cheryl told of how her mom took certain ones to the side and talked to them and gave advice and reminded them of her love. She talked of how her mom feared "the end" and wanted to know how "it" would happen. Cheryl spoke of her dad and his love for his bride and how until this very second it still continues.

2. Saturday before Mother's Day. The bullying of my son came to a stop. I stood up for him and they now know I will not back down. PERIOD. Cops got involved, it was ugly. But the little girl will not do that again, and if she does I will be right there! I was advised by a cop that Ian needed to fight his own fight, but fighting a bully isn't the answer. Especially when they are 3 times your size.

3. Mother's Day. Full of warm wishes and a gift from God. Look & see for yourself:

Baby birds were born in the birdhouse on the fence and we watched as they were fed. It was the most amazing thing to watch and share with the kids!

I am blessed as a momma every single day. I wouldn't trade it for cleaner floors, or a sink without dishes, or an empty laundry basket. I'm blessed with a great life.

Thanks Lord! You knew exactly what I needed when I needed it!

Much love, me.

today...

This week I decided to get the kids a new puppy. He was so perfect! Cute, small, smart, love at first sight.

Today he had a heart attack and died.

Ugh.

But God is good ALL THE TIME!

So with the mixture of tears, God ALWAYS gives us something to smile about…

Much love, me.

mother's day, i wish it wasn't a holiday

This Sunday is Mother's Day.

This is my most disliked holiday.

It holds terrible memories that I want to forget but were all tied to this day.

When I was married, my then husband, made my last mother's day as his wife the most miserable day of my life. I always say it was on Memorial Day when I felt peace and told him I was divorcing him, but God delivered the final blow to make me sure that it was ok on Mother's Day.

While that has been several years ago the after effects still sting.

Nothing like hearing your then husband on the phone with his girlfriend wishing her a happy mother's day, and totally ignoring you the mother of his children. Then getting the blame for your failing marriage by his mother.

I was granted peace by God to divorce him, and God stepped in in a major way filling every want/desire/need that the kids and I have had since that day. I'm blessed beyond anything imaginable, but I just don't care for this holiday.

I also think as a single mom that this is just a day when society expects us to be honored, but for us who have children are so young it's us that has to fully honor ourselves. Does that make sense?

I asked my girlfriend Jen who also has walked the same journey as I, if she was going to be honored on Sunday with a grand breakfast in bed and all the fixin's. Her reply, "uh not unless someone leaves a pop tart in my bed from the night before." I truly laughed out loud!

So for all the families that honor their momma's enjoy this day. Celebrate & love her.

But for me, I'd rather do nothing and forget it had any meaning.

Much love, 

me.

Things I learned this week...

The things I learned this week:

1. Spring time makes the work week seem longer.
2. You can officially catch up on laundry for a few hours.
3. Trying out a puppy is a good thing.
4. I miss treasure hunting (garage sales). I got a lot of great finds! A coffee table, a wall hanger, a rooster measuring spoon holder, a play garden set for Sophie, 2 baskets, a bouncing horse for Sophie, curtains for my dining room. and an awesome ball bag for Kennedy for Softball.
5. Standing up against someone that is bullying your child because they are bigger than he is, is ALWAYS NECESSARY! The little girl across the street has been bullying Ian & I stopped it on Friday night, 30 minutes later the police came. Yes, her mother called the police. But of course I knew the cop, work with his mom, he fishes with my dad & he went to school with my sister. So basically it was a "hey how are you visit". Long story short, the girl will NEVER EVER be allowed back on my property again, and the neighborhood mothers all know so her daughter will be mighty lonely this summer.
6. Spending 2 days with the doors & windows wide open listening to Country music is therapeutic.
7. I miss my kids terribly when they are gone.
8. Church is always good for the soul.
9. Front porch sitting is good, but backyard lounging is the best!
10. Surprising your kids with a puppy is an awesome thing!

I'm so blessed. Thank you Lord. Life may not be what I expected, and my journey may be rougher than I believed it would have been, but I am still blessed. In my deepest whoa's and lowest lows, I'm still blessed.

YOU Lord teach me to love.

Last night I laid in bed with a migraine praying Sophie would go to sleep. I wanted to puke the pain was so intense. Ian crawled in bed & said nothing. I whispered to him Ian, and he answered yes momma, I said pray for me please my head is hurting so badly. He said I will and drifted off to sleep.

This morning I was dealing with an old situation and my nerves were shot, I was trying to get to work, 2 kids to school (1 which is sick & had to go to the dr) & 1 to mawmaws.

At one point it was just me and Ian. I said, “buddy, I need you to pray for me, I just don’t feel like I can keep up.” He said, “momma, I will and I prayed last night too for you.” I love him so much.

He is only 7 and he is the man of our house. I say probably too much to him for his age, but when you are the only adult and need someone to just listen it happens.

We walked out the door and got in the car to leave, at 1 point it was just Ian and I again and I closed my eyes. I prayed, a deep prayer, a prayer that covered us all & begged for God’s Grace and help in my day.

I know parenting doesn’t come with a manual and I know we shouldn’t compare ourselves with others. I know that like I know my name. But then why do I feel I’m doing this wrong? That I don’t measure up in this life?

Lord, I don’t know the answers to those questions. I also am not sure I know how to love. Loving my children is natural, it’s like breathing without it I would die. It’s not a thought or a choice.

But loving another? That’s a choice you make. When my grandparents were married, they didn’t make the right choice about loving the other one. They shared a very hard and abusive relationship. My parents, don’t choose love, they too have a harsh relationship, not physically but mentally. My marriage ended because my ex-husband didn’t choose loving us over a life of less responsibility. And Sophie’s dad, chose alcohol over choosing to love.

So Lord, I’m looking to YOU. I know I see love when I think that you bear my burdens, and cry along side of me, that YOU care when I’ve had a bad day & when I don’t know what to do, when I feel lonely, and without options.

YOU Lord, YOU bore it all on a cross. YOU said that “Val, she’s worth it.” The lashes, the punishment, the pain, all of it. YOU show me love when I think of the cross.

YOU are my desire. YOU are the one I need to take my hand today, right now, right here, and help me. Lord, I’m not alone I know. I read about it every day that there are other momma’s out there just like me. But our battles are lonely battles. Help us Lord, help us to see love and know that there is life beyond the dishes, the laundry, and the daily grind.

Bless me Father so that I may in turn bless someone else.

Much love, me.