July 25

I’m here, at work once again. I know I shouldn’t be doing this and should be tending to my mile high, slowly dwindling filing pile, but my heart is once again heavy and I need release. (Also, its 100 degrees outside and our A/C unit in my part of the office is down).

Since I’ve been working on my slowing dwindling pile of filing, I’ve been listening to one of the local church services that I receive a copy of each week. I was a bit behind on listening so some were a couple months old.

In the one I listened to today there was a statement that spoke to me. My original blog was “Here I am Lord Send Me” and today’s little sermon he spoke about how we as Christians can stand up and say “here I am Lord” and be expecting and be blessed or we can say “don’t bother me, I don’t have time for this or that”.

It was the last part that struck me hard! In fact I had to listen to it twice.

I was screaming back a few months ago “I don’t have time for this” and “the timing is really bad”. When in all actuality I should have been screaming “Lord, thank YOU for this blessing of life!”

How ungrateful I was (and on some really hard days still am).

Last night I battled the mommy battle, and felt myself going down. I am sure we have all battled that battle…right? (if not please just nod).

The one where the dishes are nearly falling out of the sink, the washer is making an odd noise and there are 3 loads left to wash, and 4 to fold and put away. Never mind the house looking like a combo of scattered papers, matchbox cars, and one lonely looking baby doll. Where when you begin to try to accomplish one thing another mess is made and you want to fall to your knees and just give in, but someone sends you a text and says “might stop by in a bit” and all you can do is think “do I look like I’m crying and what is that smell?”

Ever have one of those days?

I know that I often, as all mama’s do, feel like a failure. But at the end of the day the kids still want to climb into bed with me and snuggle and I feel like I have survived (by the skin on my teeth) another day.

When I’m having these moments I know that I’m not the “bright smiling, giving out compliments and blessings and shouting prayers for all my friends and family who desperately need it” person I should be. I’m the ungrateful, blubbering mess of a mama who is saying “how am I going to do this with a newborn” person?

So Lord, this part of my journey has been a challenge to say the least and even though I have these rough days, I am blessed with this life inside of me, I am blessed tremendously. With each kick, with each nudge, with each turn of her little body I am blessed. How could I have known how desperately I would need this little baby girl still growing inside of me?

Whatever her purpose is for YOUR Kingdom I am blessed!

Thank you again Sweet Father for choosing me to take this journey!

Me.

I'm worth it!

You know, in my life I have loved 3 people.
1. My exhusband.

2. A guy from school, that I never had the nerve to tell until after my divorce when we finally both told each other how we felt.

3. R.

Giving love to another is something that I can do without much hesitation.

Loving deeply takes a bit more.

Knowing I'm worthy to receive someone else's love is a different story.

If I could sit with you, outside of that cafe at the bottom of the Eiffle Tower of course, as we sip our steaming cups, I would tell you that I'm scared.

Scared to death.

I don't know how this all is going to work out.

R. came over this weekend. It was a great time, lots of laughs, lots of simple times with the kids. Lots of swimming, low stress, just good time.

Then...

I went to make the bed and kicked a bottle under the bed. Vodka.

What?!?

I have never dealt with someone with an addiction. (I thought that Tim had a problem, but never did he try to hide the drinking).

So reality is this...

Do I love him? Yes.

Do I love my children? CRAZY Question! Above anything and everything else in life YES!

Even above this man? YES!

I don't have time for a 4th child to raise, I don't have time to try and fix something in someone else. He has to step up and fix this. If not...no not if not, U N T I L it is fixed, I can't do this.

Here is an opportunity for him to set his life right, will he take it? I don't know.

Am I worth it? Yes!

There I said it! Yes! I'm worth it and a whole lot more!

I know as we chatted in the shadow of that tower that you would hold my hand and tell me everything would be fine. I just know it!

I know we would have breaks in our conversation where the tears would flow and just as quickly the laughter would begin.

Then we would end our conversation and hug a deep hug and say our goodbyes as we strolled off our separate ways and I would feel like a million dollars because of the unconditional love you gave to me during our visit.

This is a hard time for me, but I will be ok.

I'm still scared, assured that I will be ok- yep God tells me so!

HE promises me that I will be fine.

HE told me that I'm worth it, so much so that HE died for me.

If my father said that I was worth that much shouldn't I be worth more than a bottle of Vodka?

You betcha!

Thanks for listening!

Val

Perfect

I live in a state of confusion.

Confused about my love life, my parenting skills, my changes in my life and the fact that I am completely at God's will for me.

Knowing that I'm all these kids have as far as stability is humbling, scary, and the hardest thing ever.

Knowing that God is all I have anymore makes me scared too.

My children and I attended a wedding yesterday and it was breath taking. The looks shared between the couple and the smiles of the family was so perfect.

It made me feel like where is my "perfect".

I wondered about the couples that were there and the conversations they had before they left their houses. I wonder if one told the other how nice they looked and if they watched the couple remembering their own special day.

I wondered if they looked at the pregnant single girl with 2 kids in tow and thought...hum bet she is a loosey goosey (nice words). Not knowing that isn't the truth at all.

We didn't stay long.

I use to think that peoples opinions didn't matter to me, but reality is it does.

Being pregnant with a growing belly isn't something I can hide any longer. I am not ashamed anymore. I would never want my baby to look back and think "momma didn't want me" when the truth is this momma didn't know she needed you so badly.

God is amazingly at work in my life. I don't know what my ending destination on this journey will be but somehow someway it will all work out.

And hopefully my son will not tell anyone else that "momma has sad days" because this momma needs some happy days ahead.

This entry to this blog isn't descriptive to what is truly on my heart and mind, but it's what has come from my fingertips. So until I can put on screen what is on my heart this will have to do.

Night.
Me.                                    

Surviving Again.

You know, sometimes we pray a prayer because we know it would be best for us in time, then when that time happens and our prayer is answered we are heartbroken.

Tonight that happened.

I've felt in my heart for the last few weeks that this relationship isn't what I need in my life.

I've prayed that if it is not meant to be that God would remove it from my life.

Tonight that happened.

Our relationship, if you call it that, had dwindled down to a phone call a day of 4-5 minutes. Ever since we began seeing each other, if you call it that, we've never had a "date". Never went to dinner, never.  Never went anywhere that people would have said "aww they must be a couple". Didn't happen.

Am I worth a dinner and a movie every once in a while? Yes.

Tonight we had Ian's end of the T-Ball season get-together, he said "call when you are done." Thought no, I sent him a text that said "Home. Not calling, needing more that a 4-5 min. conversation. Needing more in my life."

The conversation that took place when he did call wasn't good, then he tried to call me back and I wouldn't answer, the message was even worse. It was verification that God said "let go, I got this."

I hope that God didn't mistake my tears for disbelief of His ability to handle this, they were just because.

I believe in true love and I believe somehow someway I will make it through this time. But bet your bottom dollar, it won't be because of me it will only be because of God himself.

Me.

It's the end of my day, or so I hope because I'm so tired.

Today someone else became Mrs. Tim Hodges.

My heart was heavy, not because I wanted to be that person but just because.

As I type these words I am here with my children, his children too, on his weekend, on Father's Day weekend. None of those things mattered to him, not today not in the past.

This should not come as a surprise to me, but I think that I will always have this smidge of hope that things will change and he will see the kids as a priority.

Overall today was a good day, full of blessings, but still exhausting.

I find myself overwhelmed a lot, especially when I wonder how I will do this with a newborn in a matter of 4 months.

I find myself also in the midst of a pity party often and have to pull myself out.

For the last few years I've been on an anti-depressant and I have stopped taking it for fear of how it will affect the baby. I know that the dr. has ok'd this med for me during this time but I still fear the effects of the drug.

I cannot wait to be able to take that med again and hope that I will find a stable mindset. I know that some of my issues are related to the depression that attacks members of my family but some of it is also the hormones.

I know that those quirky little sayings such as "you can be bitter or you can be better" are just so catchy, but honestly it makes me wanna punch that person who smiles that smile as they say that.

Bitter, yeah I'm bitter. Ask any single mom who has a massive headache and their children both needing/wanting something, and no help, while the children's daddy says "this weekend isn't a good time for me to have the kids". Bitter is probably a good word for what I feel like I am.

Once again tonight is one of those "how did I get here" moments. I know and I feel the power of God's Grace in my life! It's ever present. But Satan, and these horrible hormones remind me that tonight there is someone else in this world that is wearing my last name and I have never wanted so desperately to have my maiden name back.

Please Lord, as I attempt to get through this night I pray for myself and my children, that I would recognize the feelings and yet honor the blessings that YOU have bestowed upon me and these beautiful children.

Hold us tight, be our protector, our provider, our everything. May we not fear anything but rely completely on YOU.

May we enter Father's Day thankful for the blessings of the men who have guided us daily and given us examples of loving daddies, even though they may not be our daddy. I am thankful for my own father, I don't know what I would do with out him. He is so special to me. But mostly Lord, I thank YOU for being my daddy and teaching me things that were beyond my earthly father to teach me. For providing a way for me and my children, for getting us through these times. For making my steps for me when I couldn't imagine making one more on my own. For not judging me and accepting me as I am, a sinner redeemed in loved by her Dad.

Night world....me.

It's 10 PM now and most days I'm fast asleep. But not tonight. Too much on my mind and my heart is so heavy.

Emotions are off the chart tonight, I'm surrounded by laundry and things that need to be done and I'm just completely overwhelmed.

Plus...

Just simply raising 2 kids as a single mom is hard.

It's hard to know how to discipline the kids...alone.

It's hard to know how to handle everything...alone.

Plus...

It's hard to figure out how to do it all...alone.

Plus...

In 2 days my ex gets married.

It seems he has found his way through life,

and I can't even seem to find my way through the laundry piles.

Sometimes it feels like I'm being punished, I know that God isn't punishing me, but these

nights and times are so difficult especially when I'm alone.

Somehow I will figure this out with God's guidance. But for tonight, I cry, I beg, I plead, please Lord!

Help me!

Me.

It's 3 AM in my world right now and I'm here, up with a heart ache. Ever wake up, look around and say "how did I get here?"

I did.

In 2 days my sister leaves for vacation, and that to me is a reminder of yet another thing in my life that won't come to pass for a while. I'm so excited for them to go and travel, but the selfish part of me is screaming inside.

The pregnancy hormones are horrible this go around, and being alone doesn't help. I want to lash out at Richie for leaving me in this situation. But then I remind myself this isn't his baby, it's a gift from God to me.

I always hope when I say those things that I will feel some relief, but I don't. I'm know I will be fine, God will provide all my needs. But its these times of hurt that kill me the most. These 3 AM cries. These worries about my baby's health and that first night with them. Saddness is overwhelming.

I will be fine and I know God's promise to me that if I cry out to HIM he will save me. So I sign off with that promise in my heart, good night again sweet friend.

Val