This little light of mine...

I've been battling with depression and anxiety for a while now.

I've been doubting myself and I've been wondering if I were losing my mind.

I've been thinking what is wrong with me?

The bottom of the barrel. Survival mode again. Its been years since I've been there but I've been there before. It was right after my divorce. I would come home and take my kids and crawl into bed. We ate there, we watched tv there, and we talked and all along I survived there.

This time my survival mode took me down and I now with 3 kids and older that isn't an option. I have to keep going after I leave work.

I've been trying to figure out what was my trigger, what set this off? Months of wondering this, months of prayer, petition, months of fighting to just survive. Months. Months of wondering what had this power to bring me back to the hell of survival mode.

I've gotten answers lately.

God is so good to reveal to us what we need to know when we need to know it.

God has broken my heart to help others and through this desire to help others I worked with a great group to do that. But within that group things didn't add up to God, and I started to say "wait what?" to myself more often. In my world, in my work, in my breath and my soul I want my light to shine so that when you see the shadow puppet you see God.

When things began to happen in our group of "good" God was no longer given a place to stand. God wasn't allowed to be spoken. When the mission of our group was being extinguished, my soul broke. At first I kept quiet. I thought I would continue the message and shine my light.

Then someone put a cover over might little light, they wanted to put my fire out. "Don't open a can of worms" was used when someone once approached the group to preach the gospel. Ugh what????

Still I kept thinking, God I can do this... God finally said watch Val.

I became attacked. Personally, one of the most vile, unchristian man, evil man began to attack me and my work. Literally, he came to my job and wanted to speak about me being unprofessional. He wanted my job. (I thought I was over reacting, no he spoke agreeing that was his agenda to my boss).

When I called out the man as his works being infected by the devil I was asked to pleas not use that word around him so it wouldn't hurt him, I was asked to be a Christian and apologize to him. Yes you read that right I was asked to apologize to him. I wrestled with the devil that night, all night.

But I got up the next morning and said NO.

I can't deny my God, and I will not deny there being a devil. The devil does walk around us, does prowl and does seek to devour. We all know those words, all heard our pastors talk of them, but when he does walk around you so close you feel his breath on your neck, when you watch his antics, and listen to his directions that you are expected to follow... you know he is real.

I've battled this anxiety and depression for a while now, thinking something was wrong with me. All along I was thinking I was crazy. I was not going to come out of this. My kids have seen me break down, my parents have watched me cry, all this time I kept wondering what was going on with me. I've become short tempered and unable to handle things that I should be able.

You see, that's what a sociopath does, that is what the devil will do. They (being the same person) will pressure you to perform, pressure you to do, act, and walk like they want you to, they will demand you PRODUCE good works and then take the credit. They will beat you down subtly until you are clawing yourself to just survive. They will make you doubt who you are, your desires, your God giving ability to make enough light to let the shadow puppet of God's goodness come out of your lantern. They will convince you to put that cover on that light, and if you do... things will be better, "that's what we need is things to be better", make you feel like it's all in your hands and on your shoulders. The weight of the whole program is on your shoulders, in fact the words "I cannot be a part of the program who works like this" were spoken about me to me. It was up to me to fix this.

Even as I type these words, hands shaking, I'm sick to my stomach reliving this, knowing now what I didn't then.

I'm free from this hell I've been in. Twice I've been to the altar, twice I've laid it down, and twice I've walked away knowing I'm being freed. If I have to go to the altar 100 more times I will. I've ended this. I said no more. I've walked away.

This little light of mine. I'm going to let it shine. I love you Lord and my purpose is to be put in a place to honor YOU and all YOU have done in my life and be someone who can testify to others about my journey and let them know it was because of YOU that I survived.

It's ALL about YOU Lord.
YOU.
Much love, me.

Noise

I once had a friend who told me about Noise and how it was so deafening. How it is the equivalent of drama.

I'm ending a relationship with a group of people that I have worked with for nearly 2 years on a project. One of the relationships in the group has become toxic. As much as I try to keep it from infecting my heart, I simply cannot keep in that relationship.

I have full belief that God will continue to use me in his ministry.

I'm not leaving God, I'm in fact following HIM closer. He said "come" and I say "Yes Lord".

It's my word from him. It's my call HE gives.

There has been some grieving the splitting from this group, but better, brighter, bigger things are ahead for me.

Watch and see where HE leads me....

Here we go again...

Hey it's the last night of Christmas Break and the decorations are all put away and the week is looking crazy as usual, and here we go.

I have a doctor appointment on Tuesday and am hoping for answers! I feel like a better me. So let's see how this goes.

I have been trying to understand the "triggers" to my hiccups...

I've also been trying to distance myself from jerks.

I'm ok with being a homebody, if it means I'm not dealing with drama and difficult people.

So ending this busy day with hopes of a good week and a pat on my back for surviving this break!

XOXO
Me.

Taking care of me.

Good morning Lord.

There has been some words that have been shown to me and I need to talk about them this morning...

Self Love.

Not the kind of sinful, but the kind that you actually recognize the need for yourself to be taken care of.

I'm there. I need to be cared for.

I need nice nails because they make me feel better. So I will continue to buy the polish in the colors I love (and some are even at the dollar tree!).

I love to read, so I will continue to get the books I like. The Library is one of my favorite places.

And Lord could we talk about something....


I've been wondering "who am I". I know what YOUR word says. But there seems to be 2 sides to me the positive "good morning, how are you" genuinely caring for other people person and then there is the emotional side that is around too. The ugly crier the wordy one, the one who is sad.

I've wondered who is who and which one is the me?  I think I'm the first one who is normal. Lord you don't make mistakes and you don't mess up, so I can't be a mistake or an oops.

I'm recovering from a tough week and from a horrible cold and a med change. I spent most of yesterday on the couch. It was good. So very good. I had made plans for us after Christmas and I cancelled those so that I might heal. I can't heal throwing myself into a situation where my nerves and anxiety will be high. I have to reel back my expectations, not the kids expectations, but my own and take care of me.

I'm ok being alone and I'm ok that I am with my kids 100% of the time. Its ok. I'm good, I love YOU Lord!

Better find out what the dogs are barking at.... talk later, love me.

So I got up this morning and went straight to listening to Beth Moore. Lordy mercy that woman feels like she and I are talking across the table when she is teaching.

My day was insane as always but on the way home I decided I needed to look something up in the Bible, I wanted to know what was said about confidence.

Because I have a ton of confidence when it comes to talking about my passion and my drive for feeding the hungry or things I love like my kids.

But...

I lack personal confidence.

The I'm enough and the I'm good enough issue.

So I wanted to know what the Bible said about it, so I googled it and was led to 2 Corinthians 3:1-5

2 Corinthians 3:1-5 New International Version (NIV)

3 Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Or do we need, like some people, letters of recommendation to you or from you? 2 You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everyone. 3 You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.

4 Such confidence we have through Christ before God. 5 Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.

-- copied from Bible Gateway

I think that when it is asking are we to commend ourselves, to me it's says Val you don't need someone to put you on a pedestal... No awards, no atta girls, Val know and realize you are enough. Someone doesn't have to give you warm fuzzies. Rest in the Lord and know that you are enough as you are. JUST AS YOU ARE. Also that I am to be known as Christ daughter by HIS doing and not by mine. And that when I'm led by God I'm leaving the writings on human hearts and showing God's love for them.

Me.

Perspective

Today was one of those days where memories seem to flow fast and furious.

I had to go to the hospital to get my Gma and bring her home.

Passing the waiting room where I sat in shock after my cousin & husband were killed in a wreck.

Passing the room where my uncle took his last breath and we said our forever good-bye.

Into the room where I helped my near 91 year old grandma get dressed and pulled all the heart monitor stickers off her thin skin.

The calling the ambulance and going through the admittance questions and the processes are becoming second nature.

Hearing the ER Doctor talk about her age, and knowing she has had several pacemakers already, I know what I don't want to know.

But today makes me sad. The hospital visit made me sad. Knowing my grandma wants us to come and put out her Christmas decorations this year makes me sad, because that was something my Uncle Doug did for her every year. Now he is gone.

Perspective is a crazy thing and today I don't like it.

Me.

Tough day

I knew waking up the today would be a struggle. I feel a cold coming on and I'm wiped out from all the going during Thanksgiving break.

So coming home and finding my pj's was a blessing.

Then...

My son who is sick couldn't find his diffuser. I said I will look under your bed... MISTAKE. I spent the next 2 hours screaming and trying to make him understand that was unacceptable.

Meaning the girls ate without me.

Oldest daughter was told no to driving around, then my friend called and she said I'm just going to run my friend somewhere. I agreed. 2 1/2 hrs later... I called her to come home.

My youngest... on the iPad for 4 1/2 hours.... then at 9:30 when I tell her put it up she says I'm hungry.

I LOST MY SHIT TONIGHT.

I SCREAMED.

I YELLED.

I HAVE GIVEN OUT PUNISHMENTS.

NOW, I feel like garbage. I overreacted. I know it.

Things to change because of this...
1. 8:30 S is off electronics and in bed. Snacks done by this time and we are done.
2. 9:00 K is home, no running after that. All HW must be done prior to leaving.
3. I Must bring home books and he will have all the trash from his room emptied by the mid of week.
4. I need to be off the phone as well by 8:30, my mind needs to be clear.

See my friend called me and this person is in the KNOW of many things pertaining to many people. Tonight some things were said that made me understand why other things have happened. I can simply say this... 1. there is no one I would repeat this stuff too. You learn more about people by watching them than anything else. 2. I'm glad that I cannot be said to have been doing/or doing this stuff because I don't put myself in situations where they can be said of me.

Lord you have called me to be better than the piece of crap I've been to my kids tonight. You have called me to not scream like I did, to not talk to my kids like I did. I'm ashamed of myself. The mom guilt is tough tonight. I want to throw up.

God I'm so tired. I'm so over being this way. Help me.
Me.