Reminder to myself

I'm a planner by fault.

I like my pencil and my calendar and I like to know where & how the whole sha-bang will work out.

I don't like things out of order and I believe everything has a place and a home in life.

I like things to work like a system.

In fact I use that word a lot.

I'm not really spontaneous, and not really a surprise person.

So at this point in my life the 'not knowing' how, when, or any specifics of my today/tomorrow and how all this will work out is maddening.

All I know is God has got this.

The battle has been fought for me and won and HE is in control.

HE told me, and tells me daily, that he has already paid for my ransom with HIS Blood and that I am HIS child.

He truly does have the world in His hand, and my life too, and values us both the same!

Satan likes to play mind games and use the fact that I am a planner against me. He will often say, add up the numbers, there's no way, but God always says "remember I got this one too".

God has yet to fail me.

For nearly a year now Richie has been in my life. And I have often times during this year found myself up at for whatever reason at 2 AM (mainly because of Sophie) worrying/wondering about things with him.

Shouldn't I have peace by now?

Shouldn't there?

I'm tired of the wondering, the questions, the I don't really get it's?

I'm tired of feeling bitter Lord.

I'm tired of saying "responsibility shouldn't just fall to me".

I'm tired of letting these people in my life and it falling apart again, or is it maybe not the being "tired" but the fact that I know this isn't healthy?

The kids don't need to see another man walk away from them. Do I think that Richie will? No not really, but the problem isn't that he would walk away, but rather fail to be a responsible person and me have to remove him from their lives.

I can't fight anymore Lord. I can't.

I'm tired. I must focus on my priority. The ones that has been given to me.

Those with those brown eyes that stare back at me with wonder and excitement about getting to text on their own phone and the fact that the tooth fairy is coming tonight!

Those 2 people and this little one who within 12 days will be in my arms!

That is my world.

Last night I receive an online chat from one of the 3 people in my life I have truly loved. Even though it was 20 years ago, seeing his face pop up on chat made me smile. He was truly my best friend, and always will be in my heart.

I lost him during my marriage and relationship with Tim and hearing his voice and seeing his picture makes me smile even now.

He has a beautiful family and is happy, so please don't misread my words.

But I explained my last 8 1/2 months to him and I cried the entire time I typed the words. I don't know why but I did.

Telling him was the last of the people I dreaded telling. I don't like the word "dreaded" but the hurt and the guilt are still something I'm dealing with.

He of course was very encouraging and very supportive, as I knew he would be.

I guess the hard part is knowing that there are people around me that are encouraging and supportive to me, no matter if I feel alone or not.

Sometimes I need someone. A lot of times I need someone, not to help with the trash, or dishes or discipline the kids, but just to say "I love you", or "you got this", or "your a great mom don't worry".

Because in our maddening world of demands, and questions, and worries, and doubts, and fear, we all need to remember that the battle has been fought, the price has been paid and God wins.

So quit fighting, quit worrying, and remember God's got this!

Still believing....

A couple of weeks ago my preacher spoke about how God predestined our paths. He told about how everything that has happened and will happen HE already knew and knows. Pastor Jeff's last few words of the sermon were "in this room there are no accidents".

In my situation today, I needed to be reminded of that. I needed to hear that there are no accidents to God. As hard as this time has been for me, HE already knew what was going to happen. HE already knew about Sophie. HE already knew that being a single mom was part of my future.

Pastor Jeff spoke about his path that he had walked that brought him to where he was at that moment and that if just one little thing had changed how his entire future would have been altered.

I'm tired. I'm ready to bring her into this world and love her and forget about the miniscule stuff. I want to smell her little head and rub her feet. I want to know that she is fine and perfect and I want to show her how much she means to me.

I want to see my children with her, I want to figure out how all this is going to work.

I have a doctor appointment today and am full of hope but know that my anxious ways are sometimes or basically always not on God's timetable.

These recent days have been tough and last night was no exception. Add into the fact that I have a terrible chest cold that makes me feel like 1. I've broken/bruised ribs every time I cough and 2. I've got to pee each time, and one becomes very miserable very fast.

But in God's time I keep trying to convince myself.

This recent days I find myself wanting to hold up inside my humble abode and not go anywhere or do anything. I just long for night time so that me and my children can crawl into bed and snuggle up.

I have become quite the homebody and wish that my weekends were longer and my nights were too. But I know that God is in control and that these hormones/emotions are only temporary and that HE will bring me through this, a different and stronger person. A person HE has destined me to be.

I am scared but Yes Lord I still believe!

Much love, me.

PS- Maybe next time I'm here I'll have a new addition to share!

Time Out

Tonight I gave myself a timeout.

I had too. I crossed the line with anger.

The life of a single mother isn't easy on any level.

The single mother is responsible for it all. The discipline, the rewards, the lessons learned, the dinner prepared after a long day at work, the laundry, the dishes, the baths, the homework and the list is endless.

The single mother is the mother and the father everyday. And it sucks.

We are the ones who have to rationalize whether or not buying that toy is what we should do right now for our child. The child who has done so well in school, and on her piano, and so we say..."alright I will do it".

Then we are the ones who realize the sacrifice that buying that toy was when we have our bills and everything else to weigh in.

We know the sacrifice, and seldom do they. But it is us that has to teach them that lesson too.

So when a night of breaking up fights and stopping arguments after yet another rough day at work is coming to a close and we seem to be pushed to that next level of pettiness "I" break.

I scream like a banshee and say things I didn't mean with a tone that was uncalled for because I had had enough. So I gave myself a time out. I came to my room, shut the door, and said "why did you give me these kids to raise when I am a mess myself?"

These are the times God is surely shaking His head and thinking "geez!"

So I took away the toy, took away the remote, the computer, and gave her a book and bid her goodnight. Will this be our last go around? I hope so for tonight. Will I have to reteach this lesson, probably. Will I learn anything from this lesson? I hope so.

I'm a mess.

I'm a single mother of 2 great kids who make mistakes.

I make mistakes.

We all do.

But here is hoping for a better tomorrow.

Night.

What a day...

When I get overwhelmed with life or have to deal with a difficult situation I tend to break much easier than in the past.

I could blame it on my hormones, or I could just face the fact that I still hurt.

I haven't spoken to Richie this week, and don't really intend too, at least not right now.

This week has been rough, very busy at work, not sleeping good, trying to get kids ready for school which starts tomorrow, plus add in the fact that yesterday Kennedy told me she wishes she had a daddy again, and today our cat died.

Geez. A lot to take in.

The fact that Kennedy said those words cut me to the core and thank God for sunglasses because they somewhat hid the tears. My heart broke. Even after all this time she still hopes for her daddy back. I think that more often than not when daddies leave they focus their energies on making good memories with their children on their weekends and forego the actual parenting duty.

Adding in the loss of the cat has been hard on me too because she was the 1st animal that Tim and I had. So there was an emotional attachment to her.

Somedays are just too much, and this is one of them. I had a sweet friend ask how I was today, this was right after I found out about the cat, I told him and I'm sure he regretted asking.

As much as my children want a daddy, I want someone to take care of us. I don't want to have to be the one in charge all the time, I want someone to be the head of our household and love us so deeply that nothing could ever stand in his way.

Father, does that person exist?

Figuring it all out...

I am bitter.

I have had this idea for the last few years that I was done wrong, that I was let down, that my life shouldn't have been this hard to live, that I shouldn't have to have made the choices that I have made for myself or my kids, and honestly as sad as it is to say my list could go on.

But last night I had a thought, after I had a breakdown, what if this is how my life was suppose to be.

Obviously it must be what God intended or I wouldn't be here trying to figure everything out.

I was reading today a devotional that spoke about how some Christians feel like God is the all powerful Genie and should solve all their problems. My first thought is "crazies", but then I realize that's me.

I am frustrated with the fact of being a single momma of 2.5 kids and trying to survive, but then I realize now that I need to accept God's provisions, both the good and the bad, and come to see that God has me in this situation to grow me, to prepare my (HIS) children for their own lives, and to further HIS Kingdom.

The things that I have been through and the problems I have faced and will continue to face are not being done to me but being done to further HIS Kingdom. HE has the plan, I do not and as overwhelmed as I get I know that I am blessed.

Knowing all this and slowly figuring it out doesn't change the fact that I will more often than not feel overwhelmed, scared, unloved and unlovable, alone, and vulnerable; but somehow someway God will make a provision for me.

Have a blessed Tuesday!

Monday Morning Clarity

I facebook, but I normally don't post anything. I think that sounds kind of odd since I blog, but nearly no one knows I do this and so it's okay.

If I was to place a post today it would stay:
Sometimes the thing you think is worth fighting for the most and the hardest, you soon discover is not worth fighting for at all.

It's reference would be this off again, off again relationship with Richie.

It's not at all what I need in my life and I believe it's time to close the door. I some what find it very odd to be doing this at this stage in my pregnancy; but I have to believe that if I already know that I was planning on shutting the door in October that I'm worth shutting it now and getting on with it.

He came over yesterday and decided he wanted to stay, I said "whatever". Knowing in my heart that isn't what I truly wanted. I didn't want that for many reasons: I don't sleep well, and he is awful if he is woke up in the middle of the night. I also didn't want to have to deal with the guilt that would follow the next morning. (Amazingly enough there is more relief this morning than guilt). Plus, there are little things he says that don't sit well with me and I know that I reached my breaking point with those comments a while back and that I wouldn't be taking any- and I didn't.

Anyway, he stayed, nothing happened other than the clarity that I needed to know I will not be tied to this situation any longer.

I also need to back up just a bit and tell you that I'm so nearly certain of this that the night before while talking to my mom on the phone she asked if Richie would be coming and staying with me when the time got closer and I just told her how I felt. I explained that "no he wouldn't because I didn't want him to get the impression he was moving in here because that wasn't happening." I told her that I believe that "if I wasn't good enough to marry someday then I'm not good enough to live with today". I think she was shocked with my honesty and agreed with me. I did tell her that I would call him when I went to the hospital, but that would be it.

I have such a frustrating sense about this situation, why doesn't he have anything more 1 year later than he did 1 year ago? Am I just an escape from his parents house? I'm worth more than being someone's Holiday Inn.

So Lord, I still believe that YOU are working in my life and this morning is proof of exactly that. Don't give up on me yet Lord! I'm still here, a little tarnished, but full of the desire of being what you want me to be to these 3 kids.

The closing of this week...

This week has been filled with raw emotion, that kind that reaches down and makes you go “ugh”.

Lesson reminded…if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck then irregardless if it’s wearing a chicken costume its still a duck. No matter if its family, friend, or foe, a duck is a duck. And an ill-meaning person will not benefit you in any way.

I love my family, but just because a person is called family doesn’t mean that they are capable of loving you in return. Whether or not they have the “family” description in your address book doesn’t mean that they will not hurt you. And for some reason the hurt they cause cuts deeper.

I don’t know why we tend to think that our family won’t hurt us. But they just do, it’s always deeper and more painful. I want to believe that they know us better than anyone else and want us not to feel pain, but that isn’t the case, in some situations they take advantage of being able to cause that hurt and run with it.

This week someone did that to me. The hurt and the accusations that were hurled at me were too much, and I broke. And when I broke I went into immediate self protection mode, pulling my children close and blocking out the world until I felt safe again.

Once I felt a twing of safety I went into the next stage which was self-explanation or being on a defensive front. Why do I think that I need to defend myself against this person I will never know. Their opinion of me doesn’t matter in the least, it will not make or break my today or my tomorrow. But it is an automatic response that luckily I didn’t go into.

I know that God is saying to me, love your family, love your friends, but know “I” am the only one whose love is permanent.

I’m scared.

In my life there are those people who have been permanent and loved me unconditionally and there are those who have loved me conditionally. God has never loved me conditionally, HE has always loved me unconditionally. HE is my … everything. HE has provided for me financially, for me physically, for me a way when there was no way for me to make it, it is all because of HIM that I am here today, in a 3 bedroom/2 bath house sitting in a comfy bed typing this message while listening to an ipod, and typing on a laptop, eating chex mix, all the while a small little baby kicking and moving inside of me. HE has given me this opportunity. HE has given me this baby to love and to adore, to make me feel overwhelmed and scared and confused all for the purpose of knowing that HE is my only provider. HE and HE alone. Richie (or really even Prince Harry) could walk through that door and vow to take care of me forever, but there is always the possibility that they will walk away and leave me, but not God- HE promises!