Tough day.

Hi Lord, It's been a doozie of a day. I had a horrible meeting at the end of a really stressful day, then home to 7 kids, nerves shot.

It seems this world has gone crazy over this Corona Virus and things are shutting down at a massive rate. Entire States are closing schools. Professional teams and games are being shut down. This is crazy. Apparently toilet paper and paper towels are a hot commodity and lysol isn't available in any store.

Lord, this is a lot. Lord this is a lot for today.

I just am without words tonight because my mind is so shot from today.

I don't know how to do this. This hysteria and being a mom of 3, Lord guide me, Lord, protect us as a family and put YOUR shield around us.

Speak Lord, let me hear YOUR voice again.

I love you Lord.

XOXO me.

Valentine's Day (excuse me while I puke)

This is one of the most over exaggerated days of the year (NYE is the other one)... so much garbage goes into this day for show.

I love a lot of people and I love a lot of things but is there one person that will bring me that truthful love? I don't know. I want to think so but I'm not sure I believe in that anymore.

I'm on a journey and the last 47 years I've seen love fail.

I've seen 2 people who stood before God and family and friends... find love elsewhere.

I've seen hearts break because someone "fell out of love"... well isn't that a sweet little package dressed in a bow...

Well I don't know but every time I think of "falling" lately I think of ouch... skinned knees, bloody elbows, and scrapes and bruises...

Now I don't want that.

My favorite is "I don't want that 24/7" and that was in reference to their children.... who says that???? Isn't that suppose to be the strongest of all love's?  How do you just turn that off? So if someone can say "yeah don't want that anymore" and look in their kids eyes or a daddy who doesn't even wanna look into their daughter's eyes at all... then maybe I don't want that at all.

So is there this never-ending solid as a bar of gold love? Apart from Christ. No.

There are days when our hearts smile and we can exhale in the arms of another.
There are days when our hair cooperates and our makeup is flawless and not a wrinkle on our outfit.
There are days when we need a smile from a stranger.
There are days when a kind word is spoken.
There are days when tears fall for the right reason.
There are days when the jeans finally fit.
There are days when the sunrise is just perfect.
There are days when just seeing the sunrise is a blessing.
There are days when the sunset is so colorful you smile, just simply to yourself.
There are days when the past creeps up on you and a memory runs down your cheek.
There are days when there is money in your bank account
There are days when the bed is the safest place ever and its so comfortable and surrounds you just right.
There are days when...

Well there are a lot of days and a lot of times that make our heart glad, and it doesn't involve another person declaring their undying love for me.

So today. I hope that I can exhale and smile, remember, receive a kind smile from a stranger, see the sunset all colorful, and find love within myself... Happy Valentine's Day's may the love you find come from within your own heart.

XOXO- Me

Just a Thursday

Good morning! It's a Thursday morning here, I took today off to meet with my friend Shelly.

We have a long long past and its one of grace and forgiveness and love, all the best friends have that kind of past.

She moved away to Baton Rouge and we keep in contact nearly weekly.

I'm excited to step away from my desk and the demands and spend it smiling with my friend.

I thought about that this morning as I listen to Louie Giglio talk about how God feels about us.

HE would delight that I would spend every day looking forward to it the way I look forward to this one.

Smiling, happy and ready to love my friend.

Instead I often find myself still inside my castle walls. Somedays still putting more blocks up to either build the walls taller or even worse making them thicker.

Lately I've tried to look out the windows of my castle in hopes of finding what my soul longs for, but the view I see makes me duck back down and stay hidden.

I keep thinking that God is going to bring a day soon that will leave me tearing down those walls and walking outside of them.

Last night my friend Dawn asked if I needed anything, I told her "a vacation", she said "Spring Break?" I said "no I will spend Spring Break at a conference in Atlanta talking about where the best locations for Summer Food Mobile sites are and how to make those sites happen". She said "I'm so proud of you for doing that, it shows your heart and passion for this".

I went last April and spoke in front of a group of people about Summer Food Program too, and I will this year as well. When. you love something you do its easy to talk about it.

I'm that way about God, I love HIM so much. I could talk about HIM all day, everyday saying things like "then God did this...", or "and it was all God". God has provided me with everything I've needed in this life, and more. I can't help but smile when I talk about HIM.

This morning Pricillia Schirer said "Girl who is your daddy?" Mine a sovereign ruler who is madly in love with me. HE delights in me. HE is happy with my yesterday and HE is looking forward to seeing my reaction to what HE does today.

Lord, as I step into this day, may I lay on the window sill of my castle and glare out onto the world YOU created for me to love. May I see the love YOU want me to find. May I smile bigger than anything else  for any other reason than just because I see YOUR fingerprints on my view.

Lord, love me today and give me love to give and let me smile for all the right reasons. Bless me Father, my mind, my mouth, my heart, hands and feet. May all I do be for YOU!! Bless me so I can bless someone else.

Much love,
Me.

prayers...

So last night I went to a friends house and met with friends, it was a big exhale... then I came back to my life.

Crawled in bed with my 7 yo and realized it's been nearly 2 years since I've had a date.

Last week on the way to Church God spoke to me and told me what to expect HIM to deliver to me.

But some days it's incredibly hard to be patient.

I know I cannot give up, I must keep going, must.

I have to hold on.

No I don't have baggage, I have children.

And yes it's been nearly 2 years.

I could use some prayers today if you by chance read this.

Me.

This little light of mine...

I've been battling with depression and anxiety for a while now.

I've been doubting myself and I've been wondering if I were losing my mind.

I've been thinking what is wrong with me?

The bottom of the barrel. Survival mode again. Its been years since I've been there but I've been there before. It was right after my divorce. I would come home and take my kids and crawl into bed. We ate there, we watched tv there, and we talked and all along I survived there.

This time my survival mode took me down and I now with 3 kids and older that isn't an option. I have to keep going after I leave work.

I've been trying to figure out what was my trigger, what set this off? Months of wondering this, months of prayer, petition, months of fighting to just survive. Months. Months of wondering what had this power to bring me back to the hell of survival mode.

I've gotten answers lately.

God is so good to reveal to us what we need to know when we need to know it.

God has broken my heart to help others and through this desire to help others I worked with a great group to do that. But within that group things didn't add up to God, and I started to say "wait what?" to myself more often. In my world, in my work, in my breath and my soul I want my light to shine so that when you see the shadow puppet you see God.

When things began to happen in our group of "good" God was no longer given a place to stand. God wasn't allowed to be spoken. When the mission of our group was being extinguished, my soul broke. At first I kept quiet. I thought I would continue the message and shine my light.

Then someone put a cover over might little light, they wanted to put my fire out. "Don't open a can of worms" was used when someone once approached the group to preach the gospel. Ugh what????

Still I kept thinking, God I can do this... God finally said watch Val.

I became attacked. Personally, one of the most vile, unchristian man, evil man began to attack me and my work. Literally, he came to my job and wanted to speak about me being unprofessional. He wanted my job. (I thought I was over reacting, no he spoke agreeing that was his agenda to my boss).

When I called out the man as his works being infected by the devil I was asked to pleas not use that word around him so it wouldn't hurt him, I was asked to be a Christian and apologize to him. Yes you read that right I was asked to apologize to him. I wrestled with the devil that night, all night.

But I got up the next morning and said NO.

I can't deny my God, and I will not deny there being a devil. The devil does walk around us, does prowl and does seek to devour. We all know those words, all heard our pastors talk of them, but when he does walk around you so close you feel his breath on your neck, when you watch his antics, and listen to his directions that you are expected to follow... you know he is real.

I've battled this anxiety and depression for a while now, thinking something was wrong with me. All along I was thinking I was crazy. I was not going to come out of this. My kids have seen me break down, my parents have watched me cry, all this time I kept wondering what was going on with me. I've become short tempered and unable to handle things that I should be able.

You see, that's what a sociopath does, that is what the devil will do. They (being the same person) will pressure you to perform, pressure you to do, act, and walk like they want you to, they will demand you PRODUCE good works and then take the credit. They will beat you down subtly until you are clawing yourself to just survive. They will make you doubt who you are, your desires, your God giving ability to make enough light to let the shadow puppet of God's goodness come out of your lantern. They will convince you to put that cover on that light, and if you do... things will be better, "that's what we need is things to be better", make you feel like it's all in your hands and on your shoulders. The weight of the whole program is on your shoulders, in fact the words "I cannot be a part of the program who works like this" were spoken about me to me. It was up to me to fix this.

Even as I type these words, hands shaking, I'm sick to my stomach reliving this, knowing now what I didn't then.

I'm free from this hell I've been in. Twice I've been to the altar, twice I've laid it down, and twice I've walked away knowing I'm being freed. If I have to go to the altar 100 more times I will. I've ended this. I said no more. I've walked away.

This little light of mine. I'm going to let it shine. I love you Lord and my purpose is to be put in a place to honor YOU and all YOU have done in my life and be someone who can testify to others about my journey and let them know it was because of YOU that I survived.

It's ALL about YOU Lord.
YOU.
Much love, me.

Noise

I once had a friend who told me about Noise and how it was so deafening. How it is the equivalent of drama.

I'm ending a relationship with a group of people that I have worked with for nearly 2 years on a project. One of the relationships in the group has become toxic. As much as I try to keep it from infecting my heart, I simply cannot keep in that relationship.

I have full belief that God will continue to use me in his ministry.

I'm not leaving God, I'm in fact following HIM closer. He said "come" and I say "Yes Lord".

It's my word from him. It's my call HE gives.

There has been some grieving the splitting from this group, but better, brighter, bigger things are ahead for me.

Watch and see where HE leads me....

Here we go again...

Hey it's the last night of Christmas Break and the decorations are all put away and the week is looking crazy as usual, and here we go.

I have a doctor appointment on Tuesday and am hoping for answers! I feel like a better me. So let's see how this goes.

I have been trying to understand the "triggers" to my hiccups...

I've also been trying to distance myself from jerks.

I'm ok with being a homebody, if it means I'm not dealing with drama and difficult people.

So ending this busy day with hopes of a good week and a pat on my back for surviving this break!

XOXO
Me.