My day began late as I expected and 7 AM came very very fast once I shut my eyes.
This is the side effect of a baby being on steroids.
But momma was exhausted & when Sophie did sleep I had to hold her so the few hours I did get were sitting up holding a 1 year old. There aren't words to explain how tired I am, I think I'm beyond the tired and running on adreneline right now.
Emotionally I'm a wreck too, you see someone I care about so very deeply is hurting and I can't do anything about it. Nothing. Nothing but pray and leave it in God's hands. Which sounds so easy, but really it's so hard to put my hands up and say "it's your's Lord".
I'm a fixer, God created me to be a fixer, and HE doesn't make mistakes. Sooooo what do I do about this urge to fix this? To get on a plane, fly out there & hold his hand. I wait (and I'm suppose to do it patiently but that's another virtue that I've not mastered either), and I wait, and I wait. I hope and I hope and I hope. I believe and I believe and I believe. And last but not least I do it all with expectancy! Expecting God to bless him and save him from the evilness of others.
I'm here expecting, believing, waiting & hoping.
Me.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
It's 2 AM & I must be crazy!
It's 2 AM here in my world. And in my world is a 1 yr old who is wired for sound, me who is heartbroken over lost hope, 2 kids asleep in my bed, and 1 very old dog asleep on the couch.
I don't know how I got here, whatever train it was I hope it has derailed so that no one else takes this ride. I also don't know how to get off this train.
"Oh God's got great plans for you, HE is pruning you" my friend 1says. Well what you call pruning, I call punishing. I can't imagine that I've ever been so down I said to myself a short bit ago, so I looked back. And what to my teary eyes should appear but a journal from this time several years ago. Yes I have, and each time I was heartbroken, heavy laden, and survived. This time I'm sure I will survive too. But honestly right now sleep would be helpful, just not seeing it in my immediate future.
I come home to a very very very messy house, that set me on my ears, then when I switched my phone tonight the switch didn't happen all at once & some of my text messages went to my old phone. This made an issue with someone I care about greatly. And now there is no response from them on their end.
When you love someone who is going through their own set of trials & tribulations & you want so desperately to take that pain away from them it's proof that you love.
Having this proof that I do love, is proof that I have overcome those times in the past when I thought I couldn't take 1 more step or handle 1 more thing in my life. It was each of those times that I thank God I sat down & wrote it out. HE knew that I would be sitting here 1 Wednesday morning bright and early like 2 AM early & need to know, that it will be okay.
That I will be able to continue through this. That this world will not overtake me, that sleep will come at some point, the dishes will get done at some point, my heart will heal at some point, and my breaths will continue and most importantly these tears will stop at some point.
My heart is heavy because I am a fixer, but being an earthy "fixer" is taking things into my own hands and taking them out of God's. I have spent much time in prayer & petition for this person I've come to love and his situation, I have called upon the Lord, I have sent Satan running, and yet it doesn't seem to help anything. Aren't I suppose to be able to say, "this is my testimony, this is what God can do, this is an example of how HE can heal, this is HIS power at work." And maybe I will very soon, be able to say those things and more. But today, this morning at 2 AM, I don't feel it. Is it possible to believe it & not feel it?
I mean I believe in the ability for gigantic boats to float in the waters, but can't feel them. I believe that planes can fly but can't touch one right now. So I do believe it's possible to believe & not feel it.
This momma's tired. Help me. Sweet Jesus. Help me!
Love, me.
PS- feels good to be back.
Monday, May 6, 2013
May 6, 2013
Good Morning Lord,
It's a Monday & I'm up, so I'm blessed. But honestly, 5 AM came early.
I went to visit Rich yesterday, it was a good visit. He's ready to get out & I'm ready for him too. I'm hopeful and I know he is too. Lord, Your Will be done. That is my prayer. I can't wait for him to see Sophie. I feel she has changed so much in the last month. I do love Rich. But I'm not going to return to the life I had before. He has a lot to take control of and until he does I'm not jumping in full throttle. I don't want to date anyone to be honest, I don't have time.
In my last post, I spoke to You about the desire to know that I'm liked. On last Friday night, I had someone come up to me at a ballgame and start flirting with me. He was really cute, very nice, a new Christian, and a single dad. All I can say is Thanks! Thanks! Thanks!
I texted Tim last night and asked him if he would want to do the every other weekend visitation with the kids, he said "YES!". I've been thinking about it a lot recently. I need the help desperately. I hate it, but it doesn't change much as far as the number of times he will get them, maybe 1 or 2 more times a year. So Lord, I hope I did right.
Grandma seems to be getting weaker. Please Lord, don't let her suffer.
Thanks so much for loving me and choosing me. In YOUR name,
Amen.
It's a Monday & I'm up, so I'm blessed. But honestly, 5 AM came early.
I went to visit Rich yesterday, it was a good visit. He's ready to get out & I'm ready for him too. I'm hopeful and I know he is too. Lord, Your Will be done. That is my prayer. I can't wait for him to see Sophie. I feel she has changed so much in the last month. I do love Rich. But I'm not going to return to the life I had before. He has a lot to take control of and until he does I'm not jumping in full throttle. I don't want to date anyone to be honest, I don't have time.
In my last post, I spoke to You about the desire to know that I'm liked. On last Friday night, I had someone come up to me at a ballgame and start flirting with me. He was really cute, very nice, a new Christian, and a single dad. All I can say is Thanks! Thanks! Thanks!
I texted Tim last night and asked him if he would want to do the every other weekend visitation with the kids, he said "YES!". I've been thinking about it a lot recently. I need the help desperately. I hate it, but it doesn't change much as far as the number of times he will get them, maybe 1 or 2 more times a year. So Lord, I hope I did right.
Grandma seems to be getting weaker. Please Lord, don't let her suffer.
Thanks so much for loving me and choosing me. In YOUR name,
Amen.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
A note to my Lord.
Dear Lord, I'm here again. My tears have stopped for now and I was wanting to talk.
Why is a question I have a lot.
I'm struggling again. I don't know what sets this off. It's like a avalanche of emotions from time to time.
The overwhelming feelings of doing it all, being their all, and having the responsibility of it all. It's the "all" that is too much. Plus it's the constant stress from my mom that is killing me.
I will never be who she wants me to be. I'm okay with that. I am not perfect, but I don't want to be like her either. I like the me that is loving and kind to my dads family. But do I have to endure the sarcastic remarks because I am kind to them? That makes things much harder for me. I find myself hiding my kindness to them or not sharing what I would like to about things that involve them with her, and sometimes she's my only adult conversation after work.
I'm trying to teach my children responsibility, but I'm also so tired of harping and yelling. It's not working. I don't know how to do it.
I'm frustrated because the one person I considered my close friend isn't being very friendly anymore. She seems to only call when she needs something. She knows I've been struggling lately with everything and hasn't once called to check on me.
The dog. O' Lord, that dog. I love Hannah, but the constant nails on the floor and her barking, etc is just frustrating especially when I'm trying to get or keep Sophie asleep.
Also Lord, the stress from Rich is huge. I don't want to return to the life I had before his last escapade, but sometimes I get so lonely and need conversation and a reminder that here on earth someone likes me. Sounds so childish I know. But we all like to know we are liked.
Please help me today. Amen.
Why is a question I have a lot.
I'm struggling again. I don't know what sets this off. It's like a avalanche of emotions from time to time.
The overwhelming feelings of doing it all, being their all, and having the responsibility of it all. It's the "all" that is too much. Plus it's the constant stress from my mom that is killing me.
I will never be who she wants me to be. I'm okay with that. I am not perfect, but I don't want to be like her either. I like the me that is loving and kind to my dads family. But do I have to endure the sarcastic remarks because I am kind to them? That makes things much harder for me. I find myself hiding my kindness to them or not sharing what I would like to about things that involve them with her, and sometimes she's my only adult conversation after work.
I'm trying to teach my children responsibility, but I'm also so tired of harping and yelling. It's not working. I don't know how to do it.
I'm frustrated because the one person I considered my close friend isn't being very friendly anymore. She seems to only call when she needs something. She knows I've been struggling lately with everything and hasn't once called to check on me.
The dog. O' Lord, that dog. I love Hannah, but the constant nails on the floor and her barking, etc is just frustrating especially when I'm trying to get or keep Sophie asleep.
Also Lord, the stress from Rich is huge. I don't want to return to the life I had before his last escapade, but sometimes I get so lonely and need conversation and a reminder that here on earth someone likes me. Sounds so childish I know. But we all like to know we are liked.
Please help me today. Amen.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Honestly
Time for honesty.
1. I've talked with Richie.
He is still getting help for his problem. But yes we've spoken.
I want to be an encourager to him, I want him to know that I support his good choices. I want him to know I'm praying for him, and for Sophie too because more than anything else she deserves a sober daddy.
Within 2 weeks he will be home & beginning life, hopefully, anew. Infused with God. Every. Single. Pore.
The praying is my job, the believing is my job, the rest is his job.
2. My days are chaotic and hurried, and busy, and I don't like it. There just doesn't seem to be any peace. It's like the constant of something...always.
The dog who is very very very old is huffing and puffing, and walking around with the sound of her feet on the floor. Sophie is crying. The kids fighting. A spill is made. Supper is late. I'm tired. Laundry is piling up. There is chicken in the fridge that needs to be cooked up. Grandma's clothes are needing to be cleaned and returned to the nursing home. Grandma is calling reminding me to pick up her mail. Dad has forgotten something and needs an errand ran. Mom won't watch the kids for me to run the errand and so I have to take all 3 kids. Softball practice doesn't start til 6:30 PM and last until 8 PM, it's too cold to get Sophie out of the car so we sit in the car at the field. All are hungry, including Sophie and it's just hard.
That was 1 day. That was yesterday.
My friend tries to call, and I don't answer because honestly speaking, it's hard to change a diaper, talk on the phone and remind Ian to not get in the road.
After I am unable to answer her 4th or 5th call, I get the "are you mad at me text?". "Seriously" is what I want to reply, but I don't. I reply "no, just overwhelmed." Her reply; "do you know if I can take my dog in the school building?". Once again I want to reply; "seriously!" but instead say "I don't know."
I don't have time for that kind of conversation. The only one I want to hear is the one where the words "It's going to be okay" come towards me from the lips of my friend to my ears and heart.
Days like yesterday are everyday. And everyday I survive only by the Grace of God.
3. I don't feel good. Major headache accompanied the 30 degree difference in temperature these last 24 hours. I want to lay my head down and someone rub my hair until I fall asleep. I want to be cold enough to snuggle but not to hot that I sweat.
I want peace. I know that there is that saying that says- "No God, no peace. Know God, know peace." But in the Knowing God is the constant battle for peace. It seems satan seeks to steal our joy and our peace so the fight is constant.
But I will remain diligent and faithful and full of hope that God will continue to grant me the Grace that I need to survive.
Night,
Me.
1. I've talked with Richie.
He is still getting help for his problem. But yes we've spoken.
I want to be an encourager to him, I want him to know that I support his good choices. I want him to know I'm praying for him, and for Sophie too because more than anything else she deserves a sober daddy.
Within 2 weeks he will be home & beginning life, hopefully, anew. Infused with God. Every. Single. Pore.
The praying is my job, the believing is my job, the rest is his job.
2. My days are chaotic and hurried, and busy, and I don't like it. There just doesn't seem to be any peace. It's like the constant of something...always.
The dog who is very very very old is huffing and puffing, and walking around with the sound of her feet on the floor. Sophie is crying. The kids fighting. A spill is made. Supper is late. I'm tired. Laundry is piling up. There is chicken in the fridge that needs to be cooked up. Grandma's clothes are needing to be cleaned and returned to the nursing home. Grandma is calling reminding me to pick up her mail. Dad has forgotten something and needs an errand ran. Mom won't watch the kids for me to run the errand and so I have to take all 3 kids. Softball practice doesn't start til 6:30 PM and last until 8 PM, it's too cold to get Sophie out of the car so we sit in the car at the field. All are hungry, including Sophie and it's just hard.
That was 1 day. That was yesterday.
My friend tries to call, and I don't answer because honestly speaking, it's hard to change a diaper, talk on the phone and remind Ian to not get in the road.
After I am unable to answer her 4th or 5th call, I get the "are you mad at me text?". "Seriously" is what I want to reply, but I don't. I reply "no, just overwhelmed." Her reply; "do you know if I can take my dog in the school building?". Once again I want to reply; "seriously!" but instead say "I don't know."
I don't have time for that kind of conversation. The only one I want to hear is the one where the words "It's going to be okay" come towards me from the lips of my friend to my ears and heart.
Days like yesterday are everyday. And everyday I survive only by the Grace of God.
3. I don't feel good. Major headache accompanied the 30 degree difference in temperature these last 24 hours. I want to lay my head down and someone rub my hair until I fall asleep. I want to be cold enough to snuggle but not to hot that I sweat.
I want peace. I know that there is that saying that says- "No God, no peace. Know God, know peace." But in the Knowing God is the constant battle for peace. It seems satan seeks to steal our joy and our peace so the fight is constant.
But I will remain diligent and faithful and full of hope that God will continue to grant me the Grace that I need to survive.
Night,
Me.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
April 25, 2013
Lord it is in the quietness after the chaos that I now find myself sitting in.
Wet with tears.
How am I suppose to do this? How do I teach my kids respect? How am I suppose to love them and teach them discipline and not hug them off when their in trouble and crying?
I want to be the good mommy sometimes.
I'm tired of harping and nagging, pick this up, pick that up, get to the tub, where is your freezer pack, the list of questions and directions is miles long. When will I get to just love and not teach?
The bad part is the angry words that I speak. I wish so desperately to be able to use the delete key and erase them forever. But they are already there.
Their dad doesn't care. You see they are an inconvenience to him and his new wifey. This isn't the life he wanted I remind myself.
Lord when will there be a balance of effort of what I give to my children and love and respect from them. Never I'm sure.
I look at that last sentence and it catches me off guard. I have recently come to realize that my relationship with my mother & my father is conditional. My mom loves me without condition as long as am living according to "her" views of life (ie: man basher, hater of my dad & his family, grumpy and unhappy) and my dad loves me without condition as long as he doesn't have to love me in front of my mom. You see there is this "your dad loves you more than anyone else" battle that my mom wages, basically all the time.
What I need to realize is that just because my parents love like that doesn't mean that I have to love or receive love like that. Note to self- not everyones love is conditional. Especially not my children's. They love me because I love them and they can count on me. I'm am their stability, their constant, their peace. That sounds awfully familiar- it's because God is those things to me! He loves me unconditionally. I love him and I can count on HIM. HE is my stability, my constant, my peace. They love me like I love my Savior.
I needed to write this out to find that piece of the puzzle that now makes sense. Parenting these kids isn't much different than being parented by the Savior. He forgives and I need to as well.
The things in the floor will not make the night break in two, it will not make the earth shake and shutter. It will be okay. The unfolded laundry will be okay left unfolded for another day. And the dishes won't be going anywhere anytime soon. But this day, this April 25, 2013 will only happen once. I will not let this day pass without peace between me and my children.
Thanks for listening! Got something I have to go do...
Night.
Wet with tears.
How am I suppose to do this? How do I teach my kids respect? How am I suppose to love them and teach them discipline and not hug them off when their in trouble and crying?
I want to be the good mommy sometimes.
I'm tired of harping and nagging, pick this up, pick that up, get to the tub, where is your freezer pack, the list of questions and directions is miles long. When will I get to just love and not teach?
The bad part is the angry words that I speak. I wish so desperately to be able to use the delete key and erase them forever. But they are already there.
Their dad doesn't care. You see they are an inconvenience to him and his new wifey. This isn't the life he wanted I remind myself.
Lord when will there be a balance of effort of what I give to my children and love and respect from them. Never I'm sure.
I look at that last sentence and it catches me off guard. I have recently come to realize that my relationship with my mother & my father is conditional. My mom loves me without condition as long as am living according to "her" views of life (ie: man basher, hater of my dad & his family, grumpy and unhappy) and my dad loves me without condition as long as he doesn't have to love me in front of my mom. You see there is this "your dad loves you more than anyone else" battle that my mom wages, basically all the time.
What I need to realize is that just because my parents love like that doesn't mean that I have to love or receive love like that. Note to self- not everyones love is conditional. Especially not my children's. They love me because I love them and they can count on me. I'm am their stability, their constant, their peace. That sounds awfully familiar- it's because God is those things to me! He loves me unconditionally. I love him and I can count on HIM. HE is my stability, my constant, my peace. They love me like I love my Savior.
I needed to write this out to find that piece of the puzzle that now makes sense. Parenting these kids isn't much different than being parented by the Savior. He forgives and I need to as well.
The things in the floor will not make the night break in two, it will not make the earth shake and shutter. It will be okay. The unfolded laundry will be okay left unfolded for another day. And the dishes won't be going anywhere anytime soon. But this day, this April 25, 2013 will only happen once. I will not let this day pass without peace between me and my children.
Thanks for listening! Got something I have to go do...
Night.
Monday, April 15, 2013
The Good, the Bad and the Broken Hearted.
It's been a while I know. I've been busy. 3 kids keep me hopping!
Between Girl & Boy Scouts, Softball, Piano, work, and well life things have been crazy.
The kids are growing at an amazing pace & I find myself more blessed than I ever deserve! I also find myself full of the Grace of God. It has to be the Grace of God that has me here surviving every single day.
I've started back on my diet to try to get off the muffin top & the muffin top that has fallen south from my little muffin! It's not easy but the simple fact that I'm having a hard time finding time to eat is a plus.
Sophie is 6 1/2 months now & she is a ball of smiling fun energy! She is perfect & I enjoy her every single second.
Kennedy is an ever changing ever growing ever amazing little girl who amazes me every single time we talk.
Ian, well what can you say about this little guy (who hates to be called little) other than I love him. He is and has always been my most challenging daily endeavour.
These are my 3 on a very sleepy morning. Better pictures soon.
On my love life, well it's life. Up & down & all around. Who knows. Just God. My trust, my faith, and my hope is that God will direct my feet & my path & protect my heart.
On life in general. Well, my grandma (my dads mom) who I love so very much has fallen sick. In about a month's time she has went from an 84 woman living by herself & taking care of herself. To being very very sick with no use of her legs or feet. We have to lift her to even help her go to the bathroom. My heart is even more broken now than before and all the while I didn't think there were even pieces of my heart left to break. But I have come to the realization that there is and its a pain that is even deeper than I ever imagined.
My mother's mother passed when I was much younger, without children and without responsibility and while the pain of losing her was hard, I hadn't experienced much of LIFE yet. But this time, I know the heartache, I know the reality of this. I am aware of the finality of death. I am aware that the harshness of watching someone decline and lose control of their body and its functions. I watch this woman slowly being overtaken by the finality of life and it is so hard.
In every family there is dysfunction and in mine there is no exception. This one doesn't like that one, this one is annoying and so no one will take their calls, this one is that, this one is this. But when you get to this point in life, those things don't matter and you hope to pull together and encourage each other in a way to help lighten the hurt and burden of the situation. Now not always does that happen. But for a few of us in this family it is happening and we are bearing the burden together.
Life, hard.
Going through a divorce, hard.
Finding myself again, hard.
Raising 2 kids alone, hard.
Trusting someone with my heart again, hard.
That trust shattered, hard.
Finding myself pregnant at 40 & unmarried, hard.
Forgiving myself, impossibly hard.
Raising now 3 kids alone, hard.
Trying to find myself again, hard.
Watching my grandma slowly digress, there aren't words- just tears.
I have often looked back over my life and wondered how I got here? I know how I survived- by the Grace of God. But how I came to a point in my life where 3 entire beings depend on me and where I am one of the caretakers of my grandma is a journey that is blurred. All I know is that in about 2.5 hours, if not before I will hopefully awake (please Lord, let me sleep at some point tonight!) and do it all again.
Lord, I don't know why YOU picked me for this place today, yet here I am. When I uttered that prayer "Here I am Lord Send Me" years ago YOU took me up on that offer and have sent me to the depths of loving someone so much that I eagerly jump and run to do any job required to help my Grandma. I love her so dearly Lord. Please please please I beg, don't let her suffer. But until YOU decide to meet her face to face I will be here waiting to be sent again to her side.
Good Night, I hope.
Me.
Between Girl & Boy Scouts, Softball, Piano, work, and well life things have been crazy.
The kids are growing at an amazing pace & I find myself more blessed than I ever deserve! I also find myself full of the Grace of God. It has to be the Grace of God that has me here surviving every single day.
I've started back on my diet to try to get off the muffin top & the muffin top that has fallen south from my little muffin! It's not easy but the simple fact that I'm having a hard time finding time to eat is a plus.
Sophie is 6 1/2 months now & she is a ball of smiling fun energy! She is perfect & I enjoy her every single second.
Kennedy is an ever changing ever growing ever amazing little girl who amazes me every single time we talk.
Ian, well what can you say about this little guy (who hates to be called little) other than I love him. He is and has always been my most challenging daily endeavour.
These are my 3 on a very sleepy morning. Better pictures soon.
On my love life, well it's life. Up & down & all around. Who knows. Just God. My trust, my faith, and my hope is that God will direct my feet & my path & protect my heart.
On life in general. Well, my grandma (my dads mom) who I love so very much has fallen sick. In about a month's time she has went from an 84 woman living by herself & taking care of herself. To being very very sick with no use of her legs or feet. We have to lift her to even help her go to the bathroom. My heart is even more broken now than before and all the while I didn't think there were even pieces of my heart left to break. But I have come to the realization that there is and its a pain that is even deeper than I ever imagined.
My mother's mother passed when I was much younger, without children and without responsibility and while the pain of losing her was hard, I hadn't experienced much of LIFE yet. But this time, I know the heartache, I know the reality of this. I am aware of the finality of death. I am aware that the harshness of watching someone decline and lose control of their body and its functions. I watch this woman slowly being overtaken by the finality of life and it is so hard.
In every family there is dysfunction and in mine there is no exception. This one doesn't like that one, this one is annoying and so no one will take their calls, this one is that, this one is this. But when you get to this point in life, those things don't matter and you hope to pull together and encourage each other in a way to help lighten the hurt and burden of the situation. Now not always does that happen. But for a few of us in this family it is happening and we are bearing the burden together.
Life, hard.
Going through a divorce, hard.
Finding myself again, hard.
Raising 2 kids alone, hard.
Trusting someone with my heart again, hard.
That trust shattered, hard.
Finding myself pregnant at 40 & unmarried, hard.
Forgiving myself, impossibly hard.
Raising now 3 kids alone, hard.
Trying to find myself again, hard.
Watching my grandma slowly digress, there aren't words- just tears.
I have often looked back over my life and wondered how I got here? I know how I survived- by the Grace of God. But how I came to a point in my life where 3 entire beings depend on me and where I am one of the caretakers of my grandma is a journey that is blurred. All I know is that in about 2.5 hours, if not before I will hopefully awake (please Lord, let me sleep at some point tonight!) and do it all again.
Lord, I don't know why YOU picked me for this place today, yet here I am. When I uttered that prayer "Here I am Lord Send Me" years ago YOU took me up on that offer and have sent me to the depths of loving someone so much that I eagerly jump and run to do any job required to help my Grandma. I love her so dearly Lord. Please please please I beg, don't let her suffer. But until YOU decide to meet her face to face I will be here waiting to be sent again to her side.
Good Night, I hope.
Me.