Yes Lord

Some days I manage fine, others not so much. A lot of questions cloud my view and mind and leave me in a mess. I have been to the doctor and I am peri menopausal. That is a pretty name for a terrible thing in life that leaves me feeling like I want to jump off a cliff.

I can attest to my mood swings, my feelings of complete frustration and my lack of memory to this pretty little word. But not my heartache.

It still overwhelms me even a week later.

But just like every other time in my life I have to "cowboy" up and deal with it. I must admit though that I want so desperately to have some sort of answer. But I don't think it is ever going to come, so I like Before find myself saying Yes Lord I still believe.

Until my next complete thought (yes I laughed),

Me.

Dreams

Finding this life again, is there one out there?

What defines this life?

The number of times that I get frustrated must minus some of the "life I find" right?, and the number of loads of laundry I do must add to something right? The number of times I wipe Sophie's face must account for something right? The number of kids I fed today at lunch has to count too shouldn't it?

I'm still stunned that all that I thought was real, wasn't at all.

I was truthful, I was honest, too much to a point. I was also foolish, and naive, and taken as a joke.

I've lived through this pain before, I wasn't enough & this life was too much for Tim. Richie was all wrong, his comments well they just about killed me. Then there was this guy…, all a mess, all my foolishness.

My biggest regret saying hello from the beginning. What good came from that? I hurt like I had just walked away from a marriage. Feeling deceived and frustrated that I took so much garbage from him.

So it's over and all is gone, literally all is gone. So now I wipe the tears & go on. Remembering to breath in & breath out.

So my Saturday was M I N E. I spent it shopping & I missed my kids so much. I paid dearly for my sitter, but Dear God she was awesome! THANK YOU!

I must say that this last "relationship" has done some things for me. It helped me take out the trash in my life. It has helped me rid people that are not good for me. So I guess that's it, that is what the good was for.

I'm praying about something in my life too, I think I'm going to put my house on the market, I want to move to the country. I want some privacy. I need it desperately. I think that I might already have a buyer!! Fingers crossed. Plus with my job, I can live where ever & as long as I transport the kids, they can go to school in town.

I've been reading a book by Max Lucado and he equivocates the story of Joseph & the coat of many colors to surviving a hard time in this life and how Joseph overcame everything to be blessed greater than he could have ever dreamt.

The most heartbreaking thing about this lost "relationship" was the fact that I allowed myself to dream again & then all the sudden it all crashed. I felt foolish for dreaming again. I don't know how to dream without begin hurt, what I learned is that I have to dream dreams with God's Will as the leading player. I have to not trust man to carry out my dreams.

Keep me strong Lord. Keep me breathing in and out, that is all I ask for today!

Much Love, Me.

Drowning

Tonight I feel like I am drowning. I feel the waters of life surrounding me quickly & I've no escape.

I have to ride the waves of chaos & know God said you will make it through this, just hold on. So I picture myself holding a rope while the waves rush over me. All the while HE is saying just keep ahold of the rope.

I know HE is right, keeping the rope in my hand will ensure my survival, but letting go ensures my death. The odd thing about this situation is the fact that once the waves stop, HE says to me, "stand up my child" and I am only in about 3 feet of water.

As a single mom of 3, I never seem to make it through my day & say, ok I made it...instead every night when I can still fathom thoughts in my mind, I say "only by the Grace of God". I know who gets me through, and it's not a magic pill or some kind of energy drink, no, it's simply God. When I can't, God can. And HE does often, daily, hourly, a lot of times second by second.

I am weak tonight, well technically its tomorrow morning, but weak. I've cried tonight, begged, searched, pleaded, and worn myself out to the point of pure exhaustion topped with a sick headache making me want to puke.

This weekend I knew I had to accomplish 3 things: wrap gifts, do laundry, and clean my kitchen.
Gifts wrapped- checked
Laundry- 90% done, not folded, not put away
Kitchen Cleaned- yes, thanks to Tim making me mad I did that quickly.

I never feel like I've accomplished what I needed too for that day. But Lord, I can only hope that in YOUR eyes, I'm doing what I should, being who I should, and allowing others to see YOU through me!

Always yours, Amen.

Fireworks of life...

The Bible says were wonderfully and fearfully made. However on most days my wonderfully fearfully made scales tip way over on the fearful side.

I wish it weren't so, but it is. I get overwhelmed like OMG is my house ever going to be cleaned, will that sticky stuff on the floor be evident to that person who just came in the door, will that elusive dog crap ever quit finding its way into my house, will Sophie's ear infection ever quit, will Ian ever learn to tie his shoes, will Kennedy ever quit getting into a funk on her dads weekend, will I ever financially make it?

I get burdened by the questions.

Then I remember,
that night in June a few years ago, I had the 1st of many conversations, ones in which HE answers me, "Val, I got this, let it go" and I say "but", and HE replies "in my house there are no but's". And I nod and say, Ok and dip my face in shame only to feel HIS touch on my chin raising it up again saying, "It's for your good, and it's because I love you".

We've all been there right? (Just say yeah to make me feel better).

Well sometimes I live there, I live in the I gotta fix this stage too. I make myself feel better by saying, well HE made me this way, or it's just part of who I am. But when I step in and try to "fix" it becomes about me, and less about HIM. My life isn't about me. It's about HIM. HIM who knows my heart, who knows I want myself not to heal the brokenness of others but to watch and have a front row seat to watch the Splendor and Glory of God's Amazing Touch.

I imagine it like our faces on the 4th of July staring up at the sky watching and waiting with each boom to see the beautiful fireworks placed against the black sky of night. There is a reason that fireworks are at night, the splendor is the greatest then. The same with God's amazing works, it happens at the darkest times and we who are HIS watch with bated breath and with ooohhhhss and aaahhhhsss at the HIS display of Grace and Mercy, and Healing.  God is great everyday, our views are the only thing that changes.

So in the darkness of my days I pray for HIS HOPE to be infused in my life today, my every breath to be a relief of HIM, my every second to be set to music from his harp, bless me FATHER.

Me.

What if...

Last night we had the "what if this isn't about me" talk. The one where you hope that they understand that our purpose is about the greater good of the Kingdom, the one where you hope that their belief is strong enough to understand and their faith is big enough to wrap their arms around it.

And it was.

He said you know, my dad said the same thing tonight at dinner and "what if it is".

Lord, Your Word tells us in Romans 8:28 that All things work together for the good of those who love God & are called according to HIS purpose.

So Lord, I call upon YOU to work and know that we are here believing, expecting, waiting, and calling on YOUR testimony to those who do not know YOU.

This "steve" doesn't believe. Show him the truth, the way, the life through YOU. Answer his questions with Tony or his dad. Let their hearts lead them in the way they should address his questions.

Amen.

Expecting the Amazing

My day began late as I expected and 7 AM came very very fast once I shut my eyes.
This is the side effect of a baby being on steroids.

But momma was exhausted & when Sophie did sleep I had to hold her so the few hours I did get were sitting up holding a 1 year old. There aren't words to explain how tired I am, I think I'm beyond the tired and running on adreneline right now.


Emotionally I'm a wreck too, you see someone I care about so very deeply is hurting and I can't do anything about it. Nothing. Nothing but pray and leave it in God's hands.  Which sounds so easy, but really it's so hard to put my hands up and say "it's your's Lord".

I'm a fixer, God created me to be a fixer, and HE doesn't make mistakes. Sooooo what do I do about this urge to fix this? To get on a plane, fly out there & hold his hand. I wait (and I'm suppose to do it patiently but that's another virtue that I've not mastered either), and I wait, and I wait. I hope and I hope and I hope. I believe and I believe and I believe. And last but not least I do it all with expectancy! Expecting God to bless him and save him from the evilness of others.

I'm here expecting, believing, waiting & hoping.

Me.

It's 2 AM & I must be crazy!

It's 2 AM here in my world. And in my world is a 1 yr old who is wired for sound, me who is heartbroken over lost hope, 2 kids asleep in my bed, and 1 very old dog asleep on the couch.

I don't know how I got here, whatever train it was I hope it has derailed so that no one else takes this ride. I also don't know how to get off this train.

"Oh God's got great plans for you, HE is pruning you" my friend 1says. Well what you call pruning, I call punishing. I can't imagine that I've ever been so down I said to myself a short bit ago, so I looked back. And what to my teary eyes should appear but a journal from this time several years ago. Yes I have, and each time I was heartbroken, heavy laden, and survived. This time I'm sure I will survive too. But honestly right now sleep would be helpful, just not seeing it in my immediate future.

I come home to a very very very messy house, that set me on my ears, then when I switched my phone tonight the switch didn't happen all at once & some of my text messages went to my old phone. This made an issue with someone I care about greatly. And now there is no response from them on their end.

When you love someone who is going through their own set of trials & tribulations & you want so desperately to take that pain away from them it's proof that you love.

Having this proof that I do love, is proof that I have overcome those times in the past when I thought I couldn't take 1 more step or handle 1 more thing in my life. It was each of those times that I thank God I sat down & wrote it out. HE knew that I would be sitting here 1 Wednesday morning bright and early like 2 AM early & need to know, that it will be okay.

That I will be able to continue through this. That this world will not overtake me, that sleep will come at some point, the dishes will get done at some point, my heart will heal at some point, and my breaths will continue and most importantly these tears will stop at some point.

My heart is heavy because I am a fixer, but being an earthy "fixer" is taking things into my own hands and taking them out of God's. I have spent much time in prayer & petition for this person I've come to love and his situation, I have called upon the Lord, I have sent Satan running, and yet it doesn't seem to help anything. Aren't I suppose to be able to say, "this is my testimony, this is what God can do, this is an example of how HE can heal, this is HIS power at work." And maybe I will very soon, be able to say those things and more. But today, this morning at 2 AM, I don't feel it. Is it possible to believe it & not feel it?

I mean I believe in the ability for gigantic boats to float in the waters, but can't feel them. I believe that planes can fly but can't touch one right now. So I do believe it's possible to believe & not feel it.

This momma's tired. Help me. Sweet Jesus. Help me!

Love, me.

PS- feels good to be back.