Easter 2018, 5 hours and counting...

The Risen Savior has risen!

And so has Sophia... She woke and within seconds of finding out that the beloved Easter Bunny didn't bring her a Fingerling a breakdown occurred! First of many to come within the next few hours. The older 2 were at their dads for his "visitation" weekend, so only 1 to disappoint at this point in my day.

Then get to church to see the Easter Cantata, which my son was in, and Sophia is upset again because she didn't get to go to Children's Church. Get out of there and then onto Gma's, which she gets upset there because there is no one to play with. Come home and explain to her that part of her gift is we are going to stay at a hotel with a swimming pool and she will get to swim, then breakdown #4 occurs because we are only going for one day.

At this point in my day I'm pissed at everything! Birds, sky, freaking rain (its been raining long enough to look for the ark), and I'm so mad at Mother Nature I'm not shutting my windows! They are open, its freaking cold but damn it I'm done with this crap.

The expectations of this and every other holiday suck! They are too freaking much. There was no dying eggs this year, no hunting plastic filled eggs, nothing. I'm over this crap and I hate that for my kids, but I'm done.

Right now I'm sitting in my bathroom with the door locked trying to find some kind of string of hope to hang onto right now.

So I'm taking them out of town tomorrow, and all I can think is WHY!!!! WHY!!!! Why did I think this was a good idea?

Let's add into the mix the fact I'm newly into a relationship and am feeling like I've been ghosted. I always overthink things and overreact and live expecting heartache from people. And I think why! Why do I expect that!!! I need to get my head back into the game of accept me or reject me, I'm still me and I will still stand. All those sleep overs I didn't get invited too when I was a kid, all the dances I wasn't asked to, all the group things I was never asked to go on... I survived them. I will survive this too. Choose me, don't. It is what it is.

As I type I hear my kids screaming bloody murder in the other room, and honestly I simply wasn't to roll a towel under my head and go to sleep.

No this wasn't a perfect holiday for me, it was a square on a calendar that said the word EASTER on it. I will soon mark this day off with my X and I will go on. 5 hours and counting and this one is in the books.

Love, Me.

Even If...

Breathe in and breath out.... shouldn't be so hard now should it?

Add anxiety in and its a physical exercise, a mind producing exercise that I have to control.

I've listened and read articles that say anxiety is of the devil, that it's a byproduct of wanting to control everything. I believe it.

I want things to go so so, I don't want things to go so so and when they are switched up, I'm a wreck and everyone around me is suddenly demoted to 2nd class and the me and my control issues want to walk in and take over.

Last night I listened to a sermon on Jonah. Chapter 3 and 4. God said Go and Jonah went and when he got there he did what God said to do. Things were good with those who Jonah witnessed too, but because Jonah had this self conceived notion that he didn't like the folks he had witnessed too he was ticked off at God. Said he would just rather die than have to see those people blessed.

Is this me? Am I stomping around like a spoiled Jonah saying "uh not again".... "why me"... seriously as I'm typing this my 5 yo is stomping bc she is upset because she is having to pick off the little candies off the brownie I got her saying "why me"...

The concerns of Jonah were misguided...he didn't care about the people of Ninevah he cared about his  desires.

Is this me today? Am I not caring that I have 2 of 3 kiddos, we are good, my house (minus my room) is CLEANED!!!, at the present time it's not raining, and things are good. Am I overlooking my blessings because I'm instead looking for or expecting a curse?

YES!!! I will clearly answer that question myself. YES!!!

I had such an awesome time last night and am so afraid of rejection. Even if rejection was sent by God for my blessing....

Even if...

Love me.

Nerves

Nerves are bad tonight. Kind of feeling like my insides are vibrating to the sound of nonsense. Too much noise in my life at times leads me to feeling like this.

I tend to want to shut down the outside world and just breathe.

The only sounds I want and I need to hear are the breaths going in and out.

I watched a special on 60 Minutes about the Saudi Prince. Very interesting.

I like news shows that give exposure to other cultures. However every second of the program I had a 5 year old wanting to talk, sing, dance, and be absolutely annoying as ever. I just wanted 15 minutes. I didn't get it. Instead I sent her to her room and we are on a break from each other.

Single parenting sucks.

I just wanted to watch that news show.

I can tell I'm stressed because my ears are hurting. I need to relax, and I will, but I'm sure there will be the battle of bedtime before it happens.

I use to wonder why God woke me up nearly overnight at 2 AM... I think he was saying "soak up the quiet my daughter, it won't be quiet like this for much longer".


Much love,

Me.

Today and always...

Last night my dad called me, I know why he called. He called because he knows I will listen and I care. His best friend and his cousin, John is dying of cancer.

John has been a stable and constant part of my life. He knows and has seen my hurts and damage done by my mom and my sister. He promised me to take care of things with them if something every happened with my dad. He was suppose to be my protector. But most of all he was my validation that things were as I thought they were.

Now he is dying.

I've lost a lot of people in the last year. Cancer is awful. I hate it.

This one is rough to go through.

My dad cried last night. That was hard to hear. I'm glad he feels comfortable enough to come to me, but it doesn't make the situation any easier.

I want so badly to craw up in the lap of God and rest from this life. But until I'm able to do it I will put my shoes on and conquer this day, minute by minute, situation by situation.

God is my glory. Today. And always.

Much love, me.

I'm back!

I'm back in business!!! Woo Hoo!!! My journey has been long coming and the lessons along the way were really enlightening, but I'm here now and ready to get back at it.

School year is busy and non stop, but that's to be expected with 3 kiddos!

So it's Friday night in my world and my jammies are on by 5 PM. Dinner will be picked up and bedtime will be early.

I desperately want to go shopping, ALONE, but since that's not in the cards I will window shop online. Plus we all have the cold crap so we will most likely be snuggled up all weekend. Minus a play tomorrow, no big plans for us.

I can't seem to wrap my head around the vacation this year that I need to desperately plan, but it is so overwhelming that I just haven't yet.

Well just dropped in to say hello and to say watch because I'm back!!!!

Much love, Me.

The fight is on!

Some days are long. I cannot believe the sun is up. UGH.

Seriously. I was just up hours ago with the devil in my ears.

"You are failing, you aren't enough for that guy, you are too chubby, your kids have things, your house is mess and chaotic and unorganized and well this life you are living is a mess."

Ugh. So not fair, when I'm suppose to be resting I'm battling my mind and it leaves me even more exhausted.

I don't really believe I'm completely failing but I am a work in progress kind of mess.

I don't believe that garbage that I hear and I battle back which leaves me tired when I wake up.

But I do have a beautiful life, it's just messy. I mean so I don't cook 3 meals a day, and there is clutter, and the number of kids is often higher than what is legal for a daycare, but the kids are safe, clothed, have access to food and clean. So fuck off devil.

And as far as that guy, his loss. I'm a catch. I'm independent and not a gold digger, I'm a good mom, I'm a loyal person and if that's not what he wants fuck him too.

Whatever God's got going on, I'm on board to kick this devil's ass and show these jack-off's. Let's do this!

Much love, me!

See ya! Coffee is done!

Finding Me Again

I have to find me again…I somehow forget her and lose her when someone new comes in the picture. Like the best part of me is lost trying to create a “me” that someone else will like because…well the real me is flawed. I feel I need to keep her hidden, but the odd thing is when I realize she is gone, I want her back so badly….

Wow even typing that is hard to follow.

The Sara Evans song, “A Little Bit Stronger” is my go to heart broke song. It’s a journey through grieving put to music.  I’m at the part where the words say 

“And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,

I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels

Letting you drag my heart around.”

That’s me! I’m done. I’m done thinking that maybe he will miss me enough to say “hi, I’ve missed you terribly”. It won’t come and that’s ok.

I had a friend I went on a date with text me the other night about my opinion on a girl we both mutually knew. I asked him the next day after they had met up how it went, he said he thought good, he would know more if she contacted him again.

I asked him “does rejection bother you?” His reply was so spot on true…”not anymore to me. If someone doesn’t want to be a part of my life then I’m ok. I have been through too much cheating and heartbreaks and I would certainly rather not go through it again.”

My reply…”I need tougher skin!”

Later that night my friend Jen, who is amazing, said “Val I kept settling just so I wouldn’t be bored or alone. I’d say I was ok with being alone but down deep I knew I wasn’t being truthful.”

We as women, and as men, have to know our worth. We have to know that the person in the mirror, with their flaws, is priceless and valuable. Period. No changes needed.

I love it that my friends can come over and I don’t feel like I need to stuff crap in closets and hide things to make it look like I don’t have a crazy insane life. 

I have 3 children.

I single parent.

I work full-time.

My house is going to look lived in, because it is!

The men who have came into my life recently have been very judgmental (who isn’t right!)! But what I need to realize is that their judgments show how short sighted they are and not how accepting of my life they can be.

I think I’m very observant and try to be very sensitive to things and peoples emotions, but some in this world simply ARE NOT.

I hope to have better discernment in allowing people in my life, and the lives of my children, that treat us better. That are encouragers and positive influences to us. Who love the Lord as much or more than I do.

I have so much hope for myself in the midst of my brokenness. I prayed yesterday for resurrection and I know that it is a process and I’m knee deep in the muck and mire. It will be ok, maybe not this exact minute, but it will eventually.