This side of the bathroom door...

I have considered changing my name of this blog to "THIS SIDE OF THE BATHROOM DOOR" because its my go to place.

I'm borderline migraine but I will live because compared to the previous months my meds are working well! I use to have them 3-5 a week, now I'm down to now just having 1-2 a month. Praise God!

We are flat smack at the tail end of Thanksgiving Break and while I should say that these days off have led me to be more of the Thank-ful part of the break, the reality is I'm more of the break part of the Break. My emotions have been all over the place. ALL OVER THE PLACE. I keep giving myself grace about things because I want to believe anyone who slips their feet into my slippers would be darn near the same.

I broke when carrying the tree in the house and wrestling it, getting it in the stand and then discovering the pre-lit lights wouldn't work.

I broke when I strung the lights on the tree backwards, discovering the plug was at the top of the tree instead of the bottom.

I broke when I was breaking and 2 of 3 kids were on their phones as I struggled.

I broke when I was asked to bring stuff for thanksgiving that has to be baked... the host knew my oven has not worked in a month (the host was my sister).

I broke when my kids fought soooo much that I put myself in a time out... then the kids broke a lamp. I broke again.

I broke when I battled the insanity at Walmart to find out that they had sold out, even before the sale started. Then I learned that my friend purchased 2 of the things 1 1/2 hours later. I came home empty handed, put on my jammies and went to bed at 6:20 PM Thanksgiving night.... not very thankful, plenty of reason's to be thankful, but not very at all.

I'm so over this struggling part. Am I a wondering Isrealite on the cusp of freedom wandering in a circle of my own creating chaos???

Am I overreacting because nothing is working right and I'm throwing myself one heck of a pity party?

Whatever the reason, I'm over it. My cozy looking living room that I will show next time looks great and I'm ready to sit down, chow on some food, read my book and survive this time. I don't want my kids memories of me to be one of my mom struggled. I want them to remember I loved them hard.

Love, Me.

Hi. I'm Val.

Hi. I'm Val.

I'm a work in progress.

I make mistakes.

Somedays, a lot of them.

Today is one of those days.

I have a job. It's really challenging.

I have a broken heart.

I have been divorced for 7 years.

I single parent 3 kids.

They are beautiful.

They are as different as can be.

I love them so much, they save me from myself more than they know.

I love God so much. I want to make God smile at me.

But days like this I feel as far from HIM as a person could possibly be.

I don't drink.

I don't take drugs

I battle anxiety.

I battle depression.

I battle but I have to go on, I don't have a choice.

I don't understand a lot.

But I have hope.

I've turned off my facebook today.

I can't look at people with their smiles and happy families.

My ex is awful.

He called me a fat cow.

He called me a bitter bitch.

He called me miserable.

I'm not those things.

But they hurt.

Really hurt.

Told me I need to take a Xanax and get a life.

I'm over this life.

I am a daughter of a woman who battles depression.

I'm numb to this day right now.

My 6 yo is trying to talk to me right now.

She is having issues with her coloring page.

My mind just wants to crawl inside a hole.

She knows something is wrong.

I love her too much to tell her why I'm crying.

I just keep answering her when she tells me she loves me.

I don't want to answer her, I want to just give up right now.

You know, my ex left us 7 years ago.

He walked away leaving me with this life.

I've made it by the grace of God alone.

Am I bitter?

Maybe.

This wasn't the life I had in mind.

But its the life I got.

I've made it though.

No I don't have a husband.

No I don't have extra money.

But my bills are paid.

What is the measurement of being happy?

How do I know when I'm not bitter?

Will finding love erase all that?

Will love help?

I don't think love will solve my problems.

I don't live in fairytale land.

I live in reality-ville.

I yell a lot.

Does that make me a bad person?

I hope not.

I'm not perfect.

Tonight.

I'm.

Just.

Trying.

To.

Survive.

Myself.

Mini Vaca 2018

I had this crazy thought.

I thought maybe I would take a vacation that would make all of my little family happy.

I rented a cabin on a lake near a water park that is FAN-tastic!

Got the idea to make my kids happy I should let them have a friend to come with.

So the day came, we took off.

Got there, me with my 5 kids in tow.

I was doing it.

Then a vertigo panic attack happened and hell entered my world quickly.

Here I was in the most beautiful place that I felt I so desperately needed, 5 beautiful kids and I was in a mental hell. It all became real. I could not do this alone. I couldn't. My independent nature couldn't pull me through.

I had to rely on God for every thought, for every breath, for every single thing.

I realized that I could not do this. I could not make these kids happy. I couldn't.

God did.

God pulled me through and led me back home.

Now let me tell you that in 2nd Corinthians 12 Paul reminded me, yes he reminded me!!!, that when I am weak God is strong. God is glorified when I ____ (had my panic attack and was driving a car) (couldn't decide what to do) (got lost coming home and drove 80 miles out of the way)(when I cam home and the dogs hadn't been let out) (when I realized the dog ate a couch cushion) and the list goes on and on.... God YOU get the glory!!!

God YOU brought us home from a beautiful place! YOU gave us memories that make us laugh and good stories to tell.

YOU!!!

Thank YOU Lord for this time we had together, no matter what!!! No matter what!!!!

I'm so in love with YOU Lord because YOUR saving Grace saves me again and again and again!!!

Much love, Me.

Favorite Days

These are my favorite days.

Rainy. Saturday. With no particular place to be!

Is it so wrong that I was excited that T-Ball practice was cancelled???

Thanking God for for this day!!!

Want to read, and drink coffee, and relax!

Will it happen? I will let you know!

So in love with Calum Scott and Leona Lewis's song...

The everything about that song makes me smile.

Give a listen and breathe.

Today I meet with the Senator regarding a feeding program in our little town and I know that God is preparing me for something really big. Like God sized.

I know HE won't ever give me more than I can handle but this is well outside of my comfort zone!

Give me wisdom, knowledge, help and wisdom for this!!! Let me be YOUR vessel!

Much love, Me.

I don't feel good.

I don't feel good and when I don't I get extremely emotional.

My kids and I were suppose to go overnight to a resort hotel. Relaxing right? I had to cancel, I'm sick.

Why am I left to do this life alone. It's too much and I just can't right now. I'm falling apart and sinking and need a lifeline.  Just too much for one person.

Love, me.

Easter 2018, 5 hours and counting...

The Risen Savior has risen!

And so has Sophia... She woke and within seconds of finding out that the beloved Easter Bunny didn't bring her a Fingerling a breakdown occurred! First of many to come within the next few hours. The older 2 were at their dads for his "visitation" weekend, so only 1 to disappoint at this point in my day.

Then get to church to see the Easter Cantata, which my son was in, and Sophia is upset again because she didn't get to go to Children's Church. Get out of there and then onto Gma's, which she gets upset there because there is no one to play with. Come home and explain to her that part of her gift is we are going to stay at a hotel with a swimming pool and she will get to swim, then breakdown #4 occurs because we are only going for one day.

At this point in my day I'm pissed at everything! Birds, sky, freaking rain (its been raining long enough to look for the ark), and I'm so mad at Mother Nature I'm not shutting my windows! They are open, its freaking cold but damn it I'm done with this crap.

The expectations of this and every other holiday suck! They are too freaking much. There was no dying eggs this year, no hunting plastic filled eggs, nothing. I'm over this crap and I hate that for my kids, but I'm done.

Right now I'm sitting in my bathroom with the door locked trying to find some kind of string of hope to hang onto right now.

So I'm taking them out of town tomorrow, and all I can think is WHY!!!! WHY!!!! Why did I think this was a good idea?

Let's add into the mix the fact I'm newly into a relationship and am feeling like I've been ghosted. I always overthink things and overreact and live expecting heartache from people. And I think why! Why do I expect that!!! I need to get my head back into the game of accept me or reject me, I'm still me and I will still stand. All those sleep overs I didn't get invited too when I was a kid, all the dances I wasn't asked to, all the group things I was never asked to go on... I survived them. I will survive this too. Choose me, don't. It is what it is.

As I type I hear my kids screaming bloody murder in the other room, and honestly I simply wasn't to roll a towel under my head and go to sleep.

No this wasn't a perfect holiday for me, it was a square on a calendar that said the word EASTER on it. I will soon mark this day off with my X and I will go on. 5 hours and counting and this one is in the books.

Love, Me.