Tough day.

Hi Lord, It's been a doozie of a day. I had a horrible meeting at the end of a really stressful day, then home to 7 kids, nerves shot.

It seems this world has gone crazy over this Corona Virus and things are shutting down at a massive rate. Entire States are closing schools. Professional teams and games are being shut down. This is crazy. Apparently toilet paper and paper towels are a hot commodity and lysol isn't available in any store.

Lord, this is a lot. Lord this is a lot for today.

I just am without words tonight because my mind is so shot from today.

I don't know how to do this. This hysteria and being a mom of 3, Lord guide me, Lord, protect us as a family and put YOUR shield around us.

Speak Lord, let me hear YOUR voice again.

I love you Lord.

XOXO me.

Valentine's Day (excuse me while I puke)

This is one of the most over exaggerated days of the year (NYE is the other one)... so much garbage goes into this day for show.

I love a lot of people and I love a lot of things but is there one person that will bring me that truthful love? I don't know. I want to think so but I'm not sure I believe in that anymore.

I'm on a journey and the last 47 years I've seen love fail.

I've seen 2 people who stood before God and family and friends... find love elsewhere.

I've seen hearts break because someone "fell out of love"... well isn't that a sweet little package dressed in a bow...

Well I don't know but every time I think of "falling" lately I think of ouch... skinned knees, bloody elbows, and scrapes and bruises...

Now I don't want that.

My favorite is "I don't want that 24/7" and that was in reference to their children.... who says that???? Isn't that suppose to be the strongest of all love's?  How do you just turn that off? So if someone can say "yeah don't want that anymore" and look in their kids eyes or a daddy who doesn't even wanna look into their daughter's eyes at all... then maybe I don't want that at all.

So is there this never-ending solid as a bar of gold love? Apart from Christ. No.

There are days when our hearts smile and we can exhale in the arms of another.
There are days when our hair cooperates and our makeup is flawless and not a wrinkle on our outfit.
There are days when we need a smile from a stranger.
There are days when a kind word is spoken.
There are days when tears fall for the right reason.
There are days when the jeans finally fit.
There are days when the sunrise is just perfect.
There are days when just seeing the sunrise is a blessing.
There are days when the sunset is so colorful you smile, just simply to yourself.
There are days when the past creeps up on you and a memory runs down your cheek.
There are days when there is money in your bank account
There are days when the bed is the safest place ever and its so comfortable and surrounds you just right.
There are days when...

Well there are a lot of days and a lot of times that make our heart glad, and it doesn't involve another person declaring their undying love for me.

So today. I hope that I can exhale and smile, remember, receive a kind smile from a stranger, see the sunset all colorful, and find love within myself... Happy Valentine's Day's may the love you find come from within your own heart.

XOXO- Me

Just a Thursday

Good morning! It's a Thursday morning here, I took today off to meet with my friend Shelly.

We have a long long past and its one of grace and forgiveness and love, all the best friends have that kind of past.

She moved away to Baton Rouge and we keep in contact nearly weekly.

I'm excited to step away from my desk and the demands and spend it smiling with my friend.

I thought about that this morning as I listen to Louie Giglio talk about how God feels about us.

HE would delight that I would spend every day looking forward to it the way I look forward to this one.

Smiling, happy and ready to love my friend.

Instead I often find myself still inside my castle walls. Somedays still putting more blocks up to either build the walls taller or even worse making them thicker.

Lately I've tried to look out the windows of my castle in hopes of finding what my soul longs for, but the view I see makes me duck back down and stay hidden.

I keep thinking that God is going to bring a day soon that will leave me tearing down those walls and walking outside of them.

Last night my friend Dawn asked if I needed anything, I told her "a vacation", she said "Spring Break?" I said "no I will spend Spring Break at a conference in Atlanta talking about where the best locations for Summer Food Mobile sites are and how to make those sites happen". She said "I'm so proud of you for doing that, it shows your heart and passion for this".

I went last April and spoke in front of a group of people about Summer Food Program too, and I will this year as well. When. you love something you do its easy to talk about it.

I'm that way about God, I love HIM so much. I could talk about HIM all day, everyday saying things like "then God did this...", or "and it was all God". God has provided me with everything I've needed in this life, and more. I can't help but smile when I talk about HIM.

This morning Pricillia Schirer said "Girl who is your daddy?" Mine a sovereign ruler who is madly in love with me. HE delights in me. HE is happy with my yesterday and HE is looking forward to seeing my reaction to what HE does today.

Lord, as I step into this day, may I lay on the window sill of my castle and glare out onto the world YOU created for me to love. May I see the love YOU want me to find. May I smile bigger than anything else  for any other reason than just because I see YOUR fingerprints on my view.

Lord, love me today and give me love to give and let me smile for all the right reasons. Bless me Father, my mind, my mouth, my heart, hands and feet. May all I do be for YOU!! Bless me so I can bless someone else.

Much love,
Me.

prayers...

So last night I went to a friends house and met with friends, it was a big exhale... then I came back to my life.

Crawled in bed with my 7 yo and realized it's been nearly 2 years since I've had a date.

Last week on the way to Church God spoke to me and told me what to expect HIM to deliver to me.

But some days it's incredibly hard to be patient.

I know I cannot give up, I must keep going, must.

I have to hold on.

No I don't have baggage, I have children.

And yes it's been nearly 2 years.

I could use some prayers today if you by chance read this.

Me.

This little light of mine...

I've been battling with depression and anxiety for a while now.

I've been doubting myself and I've been wondering if I were losing my mind.

I've been thinking what is wrong with me?

The bottom of the barrel. Survival mode again. Its been years since I've been there but I've been there before. It was right after my divorce. I would come home and take my kids and crawl into bed. We ate there, we watched tv there, and we talked and all along I survived there.

This time my survival mode took me down and I now with 3 kids and older that isn't an option. I have to keep going after I leave work.

I've been trying to figure out what was my trigger, what set this off? Months of wondering this, months of prayer, petition, months of fighting to just survive. Months. Months of wondering what had this power to bring me back to the hell of survival mode.

I've gotten answers lately.

God is so good to reveal to us what we need to know when we need to know it.

God has broken my heart to help others and through this desire to help others I worked with a great group to do that. But within that group things didn't add up to God, and I started to say "wait what?" to myself more often. In my world, in my work, in my breath and my soul I want my light to shine so that when you see the shadow puppet you see God.

When things began to happen in our group of "good" God was no longer given a place to stand. God wasn't allowed to be spoken. When the mission of our group was being extinguished, my soul broke. At first I kept quiet. I thought I would continue the message and shine my light.

Then someone put a cover over might little light, they wanted to put my fire out. "Don't open a can of worms" was used when someone once approached the group to preach the gospel. Ugh what????

Still I kept thinking, God I can do this... God finally said watch Val.

I became attacked. Personally, one of the most vile, unchristian man, evil man began to attack me and my work. Literally, he came to my job and wanted to speak about me being unprofessional. He wanted my job. (I thought I was over reacting, no he spoke agreeing that was his agenda to my boss).

When I called out the man as his works being infected by the devil I was asked to pleas not use that word around him so it wouldn't hurt him, I was asked to be a Christian and apologize to him. Yes you read that right I was asked to apologize to him. I wrestled with the devil that night, all night.

But I got up the next morning and said NO.

I can't deny my God, and I will not deny there being a devil. The devil does walk around us, does prowl and does seek to devour. We all know those words, all heard our pastors talk of them, but when he does walk around you so close you feel his breath on your neck, when you watch his antics, and listen to his directions that you are expected to follow... you know he is real.

I've battled this anxiety and depression for a while now, thinking something was wrong with me. All along I was thinking I was crazy. I was not going to come out of this. My kids have seen me break down, my parents have watched me cry, all this time I kept wondering what was going on with me. I've become short tempered and unable to handle things that I should be able.

You see, that's what a sociopath does, that is what the devil will do. They (being the same person) will pressure you to perform, pressure you to do, act, and walk like they want you to, they will demand you PRODUCE good works and then take the credit. They will beat you down subtly until you are clawing yourself to just survive. They will make you doubt who you are, your desires, your God giving ability to make enough light to let the shadow puppet of God's goodness come out of your lantern. They will convince you to put that cover on that light, and if you do... things will be better, "that's what we need is things to be better", make you feel like it's all in your hands and on your shoulders. The weight of the whole program is on your shoulders, in fact the words "I cannot be a part of the program who works like this" were spoken about me to me. It was up to me to fix this.

Even as I type these words, hands shaking, I'm sick to my stomach reliving this, knowing now what I didn't then.

I'm free from this hell I've been in. Twice I've been to the altar, twice I've laid it down, and twice I've walked away knowing I'm being freed. If I have to go to the altar 100 more times I will. I've ended this. I said no more. I've walked away.

This little light of mine. I'm going to let it shine. I love you Lord and my purpose is to be put in a place to honor YOU and all YOU have done in my life and be someone who can testify to others about my journey and let them know it was because of YOU that I survived.

It's ALL about YOU Lord.
YOU.
Much love, me.

Noise

I once had a friend who told me about Noise and how it was so deafening. How it is the equivalent of drama.

I'm ending a relationship with a group of people that I have worked with for nearly 2 years on a project. One of the relationships in the group has become toxic. As much as I try to keep it from infecting my heart, I simply cannot keep in that relationship.

I have full belief that God will continue to use me in his ministry.

I'm not leaving God, I'm in fact following HIM closer. He said "come" and I say "Yes Lord".

It's my word from him. It's my call HE gives.

There has been some grieving the splitting from this group, but better, brighter, bigger things are ahead for me.

Watch and see where HE leads me....

Here we go again...

Hey it's the last night of Christmas Break and the decorations are all put away and the week is looking crazy as usual, and here we go.

I have a doctor appointment on Tuesday and am hoping for answers! I feel like a better me. So let's see how this goes.

I have been trying to understand the "triggers" to my hiccups...

I've also been trying to distance myself from jerks.

I'm ok with being a homebody, if it means I'm not dealing with drama and difficult people.

So ending this busy day with hopes of a good week and a pat on my back for surviving this break!

XOXO
Me.

Taking care of me.

Good morning Lord.

There has been some words that have been shown to me and I need to talk about them this morning...

Self Love.

Not the kind of sinful, but the kind that you actually recognize the need for yourself to be taken care of.

I'm there. I need to be cared for.

I need nice nails because they make me feel better. So I will continue to buy the polish in the colors I love (and some are even at the dollar tree!).

I love to read, so I will continue to get the books I like. The Library is one of my favorite places.

And Lord could we talk about something....


I've been wondering "who am I". I know what YOUR word says. But there seems to be 2 sides to me the positive "good morning, how are you" genuinely caring for other people person and then there is the emotional side that is around too. The ugly crier the wordy one, the one who is sad.

I've wondered who is who and which one is the me?  I think I'm the first one who is normal. Lord you don't make mistakes and you don't mess up, so I can't be a mistake or an oops.

I'm recovering from a tough week and from a horrible cold and a med change. I spent most of yesterday on the couch. It was good. So very good. I had made plans for us after Christmas and I cancelled those so that I might heal. I can't heal throwing myself into a situation where my nerves and anxiety will be high. I have to reel back my expectations, not the kids expectations, but my own and take care of me.

I'm ok being alone and I'm ok that I am with my kids 100% of the time. Its ok. I'm good, I love YOU Lord!

Better find out what the dogs are barking at.... talk later, love me.

So I got up this morning and went straight to listening to Beth Moore. Lordy mercy that woman feels like she and I are talking across the table when she is teaching.

My day was insane as always but on the way home I decided I needed to look something up in the Bible, I wanted to know what was said about confidence.

Because I have a ton of confidence when it comes to talking about my passion and my drive for feeding the hungry or things I love like my kids.

But...

I lack personal confidence.

The I'm enough and the I'm good enough issue.

So I wanted to know what the Bible said about it, so I googled it and was led to 2 Corinthians 3:1-5

2 Corinthians 3:1-5 New International Version (NIV)

3 Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Or do we need, like some people, letters of recommendation to you or from you? 2 You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everyone. 3 You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.

4 Such confidence we have through Christ before God. 5 Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.

-- copied from Bible Gateway

I think that when it is asking are we to commend ourselves, to me it's says Val you don't need someone to put you on a pedestal... No awards, no atta girls, Val know and realize you are enough. Someone doesn't have to give you warm fuzzies. Rest in the Lord and know that you are enough as you are. JUST AS YOU ARE. Also that I am to be known as Christ daughter by HIS doing and not by mine. And that when I'm led by God I'm leaving the writings on human hearts and showing God's love for them.

Me.

Perspective

Today was one of those days where memories seem to flow fast and furious.

I had to go to the hospital to get my Gma and bring her home.

Passing the waiting room where I sat in shock after my cousin & husband were killed in a wreck.

Passing the room where my uncle took his last breath and we said our forever good-bye.

Into the room where I helped my near 91 year old grandma get dressed and pulled all the heart monitor stickers off her thin skin.

The calling the ambulance and going through the admittance questions and the processes are becoming second nature.

Hearing the ER Doctor talk about her age, and knowing she has had several pacemakers already, I know what I don't want to know.

But today makes me sad. The hospital visit made me sad. Knowing my grandma wants us to come and put out her Christmas decorations this year makes me sad, because that was something my Uncle Doug did for her every year. Now he is gone.

Perspective is a crazy thing and today I don't like it.

Me.

Tough day

I knew waking up the today would be a struggle. I feel a cold coming on and I'm wiped out from all the going during Thanksgiving break.

So coming home and finding my pj's was a blessing.

Then...

My son who is sick couldn't find his diffuser. I said I will look under your bed... MISTAKE. I spent the next 2 hours screaming and trying to make him understand that was unacceptable.

Meaning the girls ate without me.

Oldest daughter was told no to driving around, then my friend called and she said I'm just going to run my friend somewhere. I agreed. 2 1/2 hrs later... I called her to come home.

My youngest... on the iPad for 4 1/2 hours.... then at 9:30 when I tell her put it up she says I'm hungry.

I LOST MY SHIT TONIGHT.

I SCREAMED.

I YELLED.

I HAVE GIVEN OUT PUNISHMENTS.

NOW, I feel like garbage. I overreacted. I know it.

Things to change because of this...
1. 8:30 S is off electronics and in bed. Snacks done by this time and we are done.
2. 9:00 K is home, no running after that. All HW must be done prior to leaving.
3. I Must bring home books and he will have all the trash from his room emptied by the mid of week.
4. I need to be off the phone as well by 8:30, my mind needs to be clear.

See my friend called me and this person is in the KNOW of many things pertaining to many people. Tonight some things were said that made me understand why other things have happened. I can simply say this... 1. there is no one I would repeat this stuff too. You learn more about people by watching them than anything else. 2. I'm glad that I cannot be said to have been doing/or doing this stuff because I don't put myself in situations where they can be said of me.

Lord you have called me to be better than the piece of crap I've been to my kids tonight. You have called me to not scream like I did, to not talk to my kids like I did. I'm ashamed of myself. The mom guilt is tough tonight. I want to throw up.

God I'm so tired. I'm so over being this way. Help me.
Me.

This side of the bathroom door...

I have considered changing my name of this blog to "THIS SIDE OF THE BATHROOM DOOR" because its my go to place.

I'm borderline migraine but I will live because compared to the previous months my meds are working well! I use to have them 3-5 a week, now I'm down to now just having 1-2 a month. Praise God!

We are flat smack at the tail end of Thanksgiving Break and while I should say that these days off have led me to be more of the Thank-ful part of the break, the reality is I'm more of the break part of the Break. My emotions have been all over the place. ALL OVER THE PLACE. I keep giving myself grace about things because I want to believe anyone who slips their feet into my slippers would be darn near the same.

I broke when carrying the tree in the house and wrestling it, getting it in the stand and then discovering the pre-lit lights wouldn't work.

I broke when I strung the lights on the tree backwards, discovering the plug was at the top of the tree instead of the bottom.

I broke when I was breaking and 2 of 3 kids were on their phones as I struggled.

I broke when I was asked to bring stuff for thanksgiving that has to be baked... the host knew my oven has not worked in a month (the host was my sister).

I broke when my kids fought soooo much that I put myself in a time out... then the kids broke a lamp. I broke again.

I broke when I battled the insanity at Walmart to find out that they had sold out, even before the sale started. Then I learned that my friend purchased 2 of the things 1 1/2 hours later. I came home empty handed, put on my jammies and went to bed at 6:20 PM Thanksgiving night.... not very thankful, plenty of reason's to be thankful, but not very at all.

I'm so over this struggling part. Am I a wondering Isrealite on the cusp of freedom wandering in a circle of my own creating chaos???

Am I overreacting because nothing is working right and I'm throwing myself one heck of a pity party?

Whatever the reason, I'm over it. My cozy looking living room that I will show next time looks great and I'm ready to sit down, chow on some food, read my book and survive this time. I don't want my kids memories of me to be one of my mom struggled. I want them to remember I loved them hard.

Love, Me.

Hi. I'm Val.

Hi. I'm Val.

I'm a work in progress.

I make mistakes.

Somedays, a lot of them.

Today is one of those days.

I have a job. It's really challenging.

I have a broken heart.

I have been divorced for 7 years.

I single parent 3 kids.

They are beautiful.

They are as different as can be.

I love them so much, they save me from myself more than they know.

I love God so much. I want to make God smile at me.

But days like this I feel as far from HIM as a person could possibly be.

I don't drink.

I don't take drugs

I battle anxiety.

I battle depression.

I battle but I have to go on, I don't have a choice.

I don't understand a lot.

But I have hope.

I've turned off my facebook today.

I can't look at people with their smiles and happy families.

My ex is awful.

He called me a fat cow.

He called me a bitter bitch.

He called me miserable.

I'm not those things.

But they hurt.

Really hurt.

Told me I need to take a Xanax and get a life.

I'm over this life.

I am a daughter of a woman who battles depression.

I'm numb to this day right now.

My 6 yo is trying to talk to me right now.

She is having issues with her coloring page.

My mind just wants to crawl inside a hole.

She knows something is wrong.

I love her too much to tell her why I'm crying.

I just keep answering her when she tells me she loves me.

I don't want to answer her, I want to just give up right now.

You know, my ex left us 7 years ago.

He walked away leaving me with this life.

I've made it by the grace of God alone.

Am I bitter?

Maybe.

This wasn't the life I had in mind.

But its the life I got.

I've made it though.

No I don't have a husband.

No I don't have extra money.

But my bills are paid.

What is the measurement of being happy?

How do I know when I'm not bitter?

Will finding love erase all that?

Will love help?

I don't think love will solve my problems.

I don't live in fairytale land.

I live in reality-ville.

I yell a lot.

Does that make me a bad person?

I hope not.

I'm not perfect.

Tonight.

I'm.

Just.

Trying.

To.

Survive.

Myself.

Mini Vaca 2018

I had this crazy thought.

I thought maybe I would take a vacation that would make all of my little family happy.

I rented a cabin on a lake near a water park that is FAN-tastic!

Got the idea to make my kids happy I should let them have a friend to come with.

So the day came, we took off.

Got there, me with my 5 kids in tow.

I was doing it.

Then a vertigo panic attack happened and hell entered my world quickly.

Here I was in the most beautiful place that I felt I so desperately needed, 5 beautiful kids and I was in a mental hell. It all became real. I could not do this alone. I couldn't. My independent nature couldn't pull me through.

I had to rely on God for every thought, for every breath, for every single thing.

I realized that I could not do this. I could not make these kids happy. I couldn't.

God did.

God pulled me through and led me back home.

Now let me tell you that in 2nd Corinthians 12 Paul reminded me, yes he reminded me!!!, that when I am weak God is strong. God is glorified when I ____ (had my panic attack and was driving a car) (couldn't decide what to do) (got lost coming home and drove 80 miles out of the way)(when I cam home and the dogs hadn't been let out) (when I realized the dog ate a couch cushion) and the list goes on and on.... God YOU get the glory!!!

God YOU brought us home from a beautiful place! YOU gave us memories that make us laugh and good stories to tell.

YOU!!!

Thank YOU Lord for this time we had together, no matter what!!! No matter what!!!!

I'm so in love with YOU Lord because YOUR saving Grace saves me again and again and again!!!

Much love, Me.

Favorite Days

These are my favorite days.

Rainy. Saturday. With no particular place to be!

Is it so wrong that I was excited that T-Ball practice was cancelled???

Thanking God for for this day!!!

Want to read, and drink coffee, and relax!

Will it happen? I will let you know!

So in love with Calum Scott and Leona Lewis's song...

The everything about that song makes me smile.

Give a listen and breathe.

Today I meet with the Senator regarding a feeding program in our little town and I know that God is preparing me for something really big. Like God sized.

I know HE won't ever give me more than I can handle but this is well outside of my comfort zone!

Give me wisdom, knowledge, help and wisdom for this!!! Let me be YOUR vessel!

Much love, Me.

I don't feel good.

I don't feel good and when I don't I get extremely emotional.

My kids and I were suppose to go overnight to a resort hotel. Relaxing right? I had to cancel, I'm sick.

Why am I left to do this life alone. It's too much and I just can't right now. I'm falling apart and sinking and need a lifeline.  Just too much for one person.

Love, me.

Easter 2018, 5 hours and counting...

The Risen Savior has risen!

And so has Sophia... She woke and within seconds of finding out that the beloved Easter Bunny didn't bring her a Fingerling a breakdown occurred! First of many to come within the next few hours. The older 2 were at their dads for his "visitation" weekend, so only 1 to disappoint at this point in my day.

Then get to church to see the Easter Cantata, which my son was in, and Sophia is upset again because she didn't get to go to Children's Church. Get out of there and then onto Gma's, which she gets upset there because there is no one to play with. Come home and explain to her that part of her gift is we are going to stay at a hotel with a swimming pool and she will get to swim, then breakdown #4 occurs because we are only going for one day.

At this point in my day I'm pissed at everything! Birds, sky, freaking rain (its been raining long enough to look for the ark), and I'm so mad at Mother Nature I'm not shutting my windows! They are open, its freaking cold but damn it I'm done with this crap.

The expectations of this and every other holiday suck! They are too freaking much. There was no dying eggs this year, no hunting plastic filled eggs, nothing. I'm over this crap and I hate that for my kids, but I'm done.

Right now I'm sitting in my bathroom with the door locked trying to find some kind of string of hope to hang onto right now.

So I'm taking them out of town tomorrow, and all I can think is WHY!!!! WHY!!!! Why did I think this was a good idea?

Let's add into the mix the fact I'm newly into a relationship and am feeling like I've been ghosted. I always overthink things and overreact and live expecting heartache from people. And I think why! Why do I expect that!!! I need to get my head back into the game of accept me or reject me, I'm still me and I will still stand. All those sleep overs I didn't get invited too when I was a kid, all the dances I wasn't asked to, all the group things I was never asked to go on... I survived them. I will survive this too. Choose me, don't. It is what it is.

As I type I hear my kids screaming bloody murder in the other room, and honestly I simply wasn't to roll a towel under my head and go to sleep.

No this wasn't a perfect holiday for me, it was a square on a calendar that said the word EASTER on it. I will soon mark this day off with my X and I will go on. 5 hours and counting and this one is in the books.

Love, Me.

Even If...

Breathe in and breath out.... shouldn't be so hard now should it?

Add anxiety in and its a physical exercise, a mind producing exercise that I have to control.

I've listened and read articles that say anxiety is of the devil, that it's a byproduct of wanting to control everything. I believe it.

I want things to go so so, I don't want things to go so so and when they are switched up, I'm a wreck and everyone around me is suddenly demoted to 2nd class and the me and my control issues want to walk in and take over.

Last night I listened to a sermon on Jonah. Chapter 3 and 4. God said Go and Jonah went and when he got there he did what God said to do. Things were good with those who Jonah witnessed too, but because Jonah had this self conceived notion that he didn't like the folks he had witnessed too he was ticked off at God. Said he would just rather die than have to see those people blessed.

Is this me? Am I stomping around like a spoiled Jonah saying "uh not again".... "why me"... seriously as I'm typing this my 5 yo is stomping bc she is upset because she is having to pick off the little candies off the brownie I got her saying "why me"...

The concerns of Jonah were misguided...he didn't care about the people of Ninevah he cared about his  desires.

Is this me today? Am I not caring that I have 2 of 3 kiddos, we are good, my house (minus my room) is CLEANED!!!, at the present time it's not raining, and things are good. Am I overlooking my blessings because I'm instead looking for or expecting a curse?

YES!!! I will clearly answer that question myself. YES!!!

I had such an awesome time last night and am so afraid of rejection. Even if rejection was sent by God for my blessing....

Even if...

Love me.

Nerves

Nerves are bad tonight. Kind of feeling like my insides are vibrating to the sound of nonsense. Too much noise in my life at times leads me to feeling like this.

I tend to want to shut down the outside world and just breathe.

The only sounds I want and I need to hear are the breaths going in and out.

I watched a special on 60 Minutes about the Saudi Prince. Very interesting.

I like news shows that give exposure to other cultures. However every second of the program I had a 5 year old wanting to talk, sing, dance, and be absolutely annoying as ever. I just wanted 15 minutes. I didn't get it. Instead I sent her to her room and we are on a break from each other.

Single parenting sucks.

I just wanted to watch that news show.

I can tell I'm stressed because my ears are hurting. I need to relax, and I will, but I'm sure there will be the battle of bedtime before it happens.

I use to wonder why God woke me up nearly overnight at 2 AM... I think he was saying "soak up the quiet my daughter, it won't be quiet like this for much longer".


Much love,

Me.