So yesterday I was talking with a co-worker and she said "look I'm concerned that you have so much anger inside of you right now because of the betrayal of your friend". She said you are going to have to do something to release that anger.
I went back to my office and sent the "friend" who went to my ex-husband a text message that said basically, I don't know how you could have done what you did to me, that I thought you thought more of our friendship and relationship to have done that, that you have ok'ed your actions by saying "I was worried" when you were very very wrong. She stood by her choice and finally said I'm sorry & I would like to meet up with you.
I don't know that that will ever happen. The trust is gone.
Am I angry?
No not really, I'm numb to it. I really feel indifferent.
So last night I was reading about Joseph & the betrayal he felt with his brothers & how he was faced with what to do when they returned to him seeking help through the famine.
As someone who has been betrayed, and I'm sure I'm not alone, my inner peace doesn't really find much solace in the fact that God will repay their evil. I'm an impatient person (lol really!), I want the swift hand of justice here and now & with great force. But God's not like that.
This book reminds me of that. Because last nights chapter was all about revenge (ironically!).
There is a part that reads: "Unlike us, God never gives up on a person. Never. Long after we have moved on, God is still there, probing the conscience, stirring conditions, always orchestrating redemption. Fix your enemies? That's God's job."
I'm trying to forgive her for what she did. I'm successful somedays, some moments, then I fail at others. But I'm trying. I lost a friend, or the idea of a friend because no friend would have done that.
I feel very alone, but I guess that Joseph did as well. And when I really seek I see that Jesus was betrayed and he so knows what I'm feeling as well.
Must go…more later…
(ps the quote came from Max Lucado's "you'll get through this")
Much love, me.
