Monday, January 16, 2017

The fight is on!

Some days are long. I cannot believe the sun is up. UGH.

Seriously. I was just up hours ago with the devil in my ears.

"You are failing, you aren't enough for that guy, you are too chubby, your kids have things, your house is mess and chaotic and unorganized and well this life you are living is a mess."

Ugh. So not fair, when I'm suppose to be resting I'm battling my mind and it leaves me even more exhausted.

I don't really believe I'm completely failing but I am a work in progress kind of mess.

I don't believe that garbage that I hear and I battle back which leaves me tired when I wake up.

But I do have a beautiful life, it's just messy. I mean so I don't cook 3 meals a day, and there is clutter, and the number of kids is often higher than what is legal for a daycare, but the kids are safe, clothed, have access to food and clean. So fuck off devil.

And as far as that guy, his loss. I'm a catch. I'm independent and not a gold digger, I'm a good mom, I'm a loyal person and if that's not what he wants fuck him too.

Whatever God's got going on, I'm on board to kick this devil's ass and show these jack-off's. Let's do this!

Much love, me!

See ya! Coffee is done!

Monday, January 9, 2017

Finding Me Again

I have to find me again…I somehow forget her and lose her when someone new comes in the picture. Like the best part of me is lost trying to create a “me” that someone else will like because…well the real me is flawed. I feel I need to keep her hidden, but the odd thing is when I realize she is gone, I want her back so badly….

Wow even typing that is hard to follow.

The Sara Evans song, “A Little Bit Stronger” is my go to heart broke song. It’s a journey through grieving put to music.  I’m at the part where the words say 

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.”

That’s me! I’m done. I’m done thinking that maybe he will miss me enough to say “hi, I’ve missed you terribly”. It won’t come and that’s ok.

I had a friend I went on a date with text me the other night about my opinion on a girl we both mutually knew. I asked him the next day after they had met up how it went, he said he thought good, he would know more if she contacted him again.

I asked him “does rejection bother you?” His reply was so spot on true…”not anymore to me. If someone doesn’t want to be a part of my life then I’m ok. I have been through too much cheating and heartbreaks and I would certainly rather not go through it again.”

My reply…”I need tougher skin!”

Later that night my friend Jen, who is amazing, said “Val I kept settling just so I wouldn’t be bored or alone. I’d say I was ok with being alone but down deep I knew I wasn’t being truthful.”

We as women, and as men, have to know our worth. We have to know that the person in the mirror, with their flaws, is priceless and valuable. Period. No changes needed.

I love it that my friends can come over and I don’t feel like I need to stuff crap in closets and hide things to make it look like I don’t have a crazy insane life. 

I have 3 children.
I single parent.
I work full-time.

My house is going to look lived in, because it is!

The men who have came into my life recently have been very judgmental (who isn’t right!)! But what I need to realize is that their judgments show how short sighted they are and not how accepting of my life they can be.

I think I’m very observant and try to be very sensitive to things and peoples emotions, but some in this world simply ARE NOT.

I hope to have better discernment in allowing people in my life, and the lives of my children, that treat us better. That are encouragers and positive influences to us. Who love the Lord as much or more than I do.

I have so much hope for myself in the midst of my brokenness. I prayed yesterday for resurrection and I know that it is a process and I’m knee deep in the muck and mire. It will be ok, maybe not this exact minute, but it will eventually.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Need Sleep, but have HIM

When I have these fully exhausted days I’m numb nearly, very raw emotions, and a tolerance level of nil.

Sophie was up from 1:30 AM on, and when she did fall asleep, after the sun was up, she had a nightmare that there was a crab in her hair. It’s been a long night, day whatever it is.

Add in a tweenager who is bound and determined to make me feel guilty over her not seeing a movie today. Never mind the constant you have to help around the house fight that occurs every single day when I get home and see her dragging out of her bedroom just getting up.

I’m beyond. I feel like white fire. A hot mess. A don’t mess with me mess. Like I should don a superhero costume and end the B.S. in the world around me with 1 fail swoop. But I have not the energy today to swoop anyone or anywhere, so the B.S. in the world around me is safe.

I wonder what God’s intention was for me today. Not just in my life, or on this journey but TODAY.  Whatever it is, I’m thankful for it. I will battle this day, not on my own strength but with HIS.

This life is not do-able right now, so HE will make my steps, decisions, calm my anxiety, and push away my lingering depression…it’s all HIM. All HIM.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

the world today...

My phone dings at me when a news alert comes across. It’s been that way for a while, I’ve had this urging of feeling like I need to know since 9-11.

When I look back I see alerts regarding Tokyo, Munic, Paris, Florida, Nice and the list goes on I think what has happened to our security.  This insecurity is choking the life out of me and all this is hard to handle. But I pray over each of those situations and I have to go on.

I wonder if all this isn’t really new, that this destruction and hatred has always been and that in this world of technology we just happen to know about it in a split second at our fingertips.

My children are often oblivious of the chaos of the world. We don’t watch the news and we don’t receive a paper, our TV stays on cartoons.

All I think as I type these words are “where could I go, oh where could I go, seeking a refuge for my soul”. You are our answer and in YOUR clefts we hide. In YOUR words promising peace and wisdom we cling.

So Lord, as we look and all seems to fall apart, we cling ever so close to YOU.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

It's been a while since I've posted on here.

My mind and life is so busy I often find myself thought-less at the end of my days.

The school year is in the final curve and the end is in sight, but we still have 3 days after today to muddle our way through. 3 more mornings of getting 2 grumps up out of the beds and into CLEAN clothes and with CLEAN socks and matching shoes.

Even once out the door the ride is seldom without adventure...I guess that is what I would call it. It's always amazing how its the short ride to school that brings things back to their memories. "I need $10 today", "I forgot my reading book", "I forgot to bring home the permission slip you HAVE TO sign for today", the endlessness of it all is daunting.

My "Hollywood" son and I took an adventure Monday on a Nature field trip with his class. I'm the most un-nature loving person around. I see a bug I want it dead. The nature-loving hippie that led us through the first half of the morning was not quiet that way. He would replace the crawling bug to a leaf where it could finish living out its life. Me...I nearly broke a canoe paddle killing a spider.

Yes canoe. I along with my more than eager son got in a canoe. Eventful is a good adjective. I'm sure the nature-loving hippie only rowed 1/2 mile to the destination, I'm sure if we measured our route it was somewhere close to 2 miles. FYI canoe guides its wise to let the unskilled know the big person goes in the back. After feeling like I had ripped my arm muscles fr
om the bone we rested on the shore line to listen to the nature loving hippie speak...then he was more than excited when he noticed a snake.

I was not and quickly backed away from the shore line and headed to the beach area where we started only to have another snake cross my path. Had the snake came any closer I and Jesus would have shared the ability to walk on water. But after making a spectacle of myself and beating the oar I was not in any danger.

My eager-to-canoe son at the beginning was not so eager at the end and suggested that we should get a motor for our canoe...which we laughed about once we caught our breaths.

The second part of the day was a hike.

How bad could that be? DEAR GOD IT'S ME VAL AND I DON'T HIKE.

There were a lot of poison ivy and hills. Lots. This tour was led by 2 girls, who encouraged us all to wipe our feet off before entering the hike...I was confused.

But at the end of the adventure, my toes felt like they were bleeding, my child and my cousins child were begging for a drink, and all I could think of is "is that a snake? is that a snake? did that just move? Relaxed? no.

We ended our adventure with a trip for ice cream.

The day hadn't started out well, my cat had a stroke and was at the vet and things went from bad to worse for her.

Then I had 2 meetings to go to, it was a long enduring day.

We made it through and have learned that we are not nature people and that a canoe, no matter how cool they are on a car will ever be owned by us. Sorry canoe makers.

Much love, me.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Day 1 of 5 of Spring Break 2016

I think that I have said "I can't" so much people don't take me serious about it anymore.

But tonight I can't give another second.

The constant is too much. Spring break week is off with a bang and with little bucks so home we are.

Today 7 kids were in and out of my house, running, playing, eating, drinking, and having a grand ole time. There comes a time when you say I quit, and mean it. Messes will get cleaned up eventually and as long as no one is bleeding or in danger of dying all is well.

I can't tonight.

I can't take anything else on. Please don't let any catastrophe happen because my reaction to it will be nil. I just can't.

I can't figure this life out on a regular day, little lone a day when I've had 7 kids here. I don't even think that is legal for a day care...but yet I did it. If you could see my dog right now you would see she too is saying "I can't".

I can't tonight.

And when I can't I want to lash out at those who have left me to "have too", who have left me to navigate these waters that are not friendly, who have left me to paste on this "hey I'm fine" look on my face. However I subconsciously imagine my fake smile looks much like the Joker's in batman. (NOTE TO SELF: That could be why I get all those crazy glances back)

I think that this being day 1 of 5 of the 2016 Spring Break and having 7 kids in my home and hearing "Let It Go" for the millionth time today and having to threaten every one of the 7 kids with the "don't bounce the basketball in my house" rule, and having to make my 3 come in and sit down and give them the "if we don't find this remote control no one plays for the rest of the day and everyone else goes home" rant because internally I was loosing it at that moment...probably is a sign tomorrow needs to be calmer and lower in numbers.

But the clock is reading 7:25 PM and a little red head is yelling at me on the other side of the door begging for me to let her in, so I must end this rant.

I'm tired Lord, so tired. Thank you for no loss of blood today! For letting everyone get home safely and for there not being a mutiny.

Good Night and Much Love

Tuesday, February 23, 2016


I sit here and breathe in and out.

My mind has 1000 questions and I only want to ask God.

I only want to know what HE says.

But I believe I know what the answer is and instead of making my life easier and jumping for makes me sad.

I mean I asked God to restore my joy this year, and these decisions won't do that I know. But I feel HIM saying, "in the long run they will".

Here's the thing, in my life it seems there is so much that I do that is to survive the short term. Does that make sense? When you are fighting the fight for survival, you focus on the daily, minute by minute plan for survival. You rarely see the "in the long run", but I guess that is where my faith will be strengthened.

I see Lord, but please understand that my heart still hurts.

I am reminded of the verse,
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in Him.' The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul that seeks Him." Lam 3:22-25

The Lord never ceases to amaze me. I think somedays I'm so scared that I need to lay at HIS feet and rest.


Much love, me.