Sunday, March 18, 2018


Nerves are bad tonight. Kind of feeling like my insides are vibrating to the sound of nonsense. Too much noise in my life at times leads me to feeling like this.

I tend to want to shut down the outside world and just breathe.

The only sounds I want and I need to hear are the breaths going in and out.

I watched a special on 60 Minutes about the Saudi Prince. Very interesting.

I like news shows that give exposure to other cultures. However every second of the program I had a 5 year old wanting to talk, sing, dance, and be absolutely annoying as ever. I just wanted 15 minutes. I didn't get it. Instead I sent her to her room and we are on a break from each other.

Single parenting sucks.

I just wanted to watch that news show.

I can tell I'm stressed because my ears are hurting. I need to relax, and I will, but I'm sure there will be the battle of bedtime before it happens.

I use to wonder why God woke me up nearly overnight at 2 AM... I think he was saying "soak up the quiet my daughter, it won't be quiet like this for much longer".

Much love,


Saturday, March 10, 2018

Today and always...

Last night my dad called me, I know why he called. He called because he knows I will listen and I care. His best friend and his cousin, John is dying of cancer.

John has been a stable and constant part of my life. He knows and has seen my hurts and damage done by my mom and my sister. He promised me to take care of things with them if something every happened with my dad. He was suppose to be my protector. But most of all he was my validation that things were as I thought they were.

Now he is dying.

I've lost a lot of people in the last year. Cancer is awful. I hate it.

This one is rough to go through.

My dad cried last night. That was hard to hear. I'm glad he feels comfortable enough to come to me, but it doesn't make the situation any easier.

I want so badly to craw up in the lap of God and rest from this life. But until I'm able to do it I will put my shoes on and conquer this day, minute by minute, situation by situation.

God is my glory. Today. And always.

Much love, me.

Friday, March 9, 2018

I'm back!

I'm back in business!!! Woo Hoo!!! My journey has been long coming and the lessons along the way were really enlightening, but I'm here now and ready to get back at it.

School year is busy and non stop, but that's to be expected with 3 kiddos!

So it's Friday night in my world and my jammies are on by 5 PM. Dinner will be picked up and bedtime will be early.

I desperately want to go shopping, ALONE, but since that's not in the cards I will window shop online. Plus we all have the cold crap so we will most likely be snuggled up all weekend. Minus a play tomorrow, no big plans for us.

I can't seem to wrap my head around the vacation this year that I need to desperately plan, but it is so overwhelming that I just haven't yet.

Well just dropped in to say hello and to say watch because I'm back!!!!

Much love, Me.

Monday, January 16, 2017

The fight is on!

Some days are long. I cannot believe the sun is up. UGH.

Seriously. I was just up hours ago with the devil in my ears.

"You are failing, you aren't enough for that guy, you are too chubby, your kids have things, your house is mess and chaotic and unorganized and well this life you are living is a mess."

Ugh. So not fair, when I'm suppose to be resting I'm battling my mind and it leaves me even more exhausted.

I don't really believe I'm completely failing but I am a work in progress kind of mess.

I don't believe that garbage that I hear and I battle back which leaves me tired when I wake up.

But I do have a beautiful life, it's just messy. I mean so I don't cook 3 meals a day, and there is clutter, and the number of kids is often higher than what is legal for a daycare, but the kids are safe, clothed, have access to food and clean. So fuck off devil.

And as far as that guy, his loss. I'm a catch. I'm independent and not a gold digger, I'm a good mom, I'm a loyal person and if that's not what he wants fuck him too.

Whatever God's got going on, I'm on board to kick this devil's ass and show these jack-off's. Let's do this!

Much love, me!

See ya! Coffee is done!

Monday, January 9, 2017

Finding Me Again

I have to find me again…I somehow forget her and lose her when someone new comes in the picture. Like the best part of me is lost trying to create a “me” that someone else will like because…well the real me is flawed. I feel I need to keep her hidden, but the odd thing is when I realize she is gone, I want her back so badly….

Wow even typing that is hard to follow.

The Sara Evans song, “A Little Bit Stronger” is my go to heart broke song. It’s a journey through grieving put to music.  I’m at the part where the words say 

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.”

That’s me! I’m done. I’m done thinking that maybe he will miss me enough to say “hi, I’ve missed you terribly”. It won’t come and that’s ok.

I had a friend I went on a date with text me the other night about my opinion on a girl we both mutually knew. I asked him the next day after they had met up how it went, he said he thought good, he would know more if she contacted him again.

I asked him “does rejection bother you?” His reply was so spot on true…”not anymore to me. If someone doesn’t want to be a part of my life then I’m ok. I have been through too much cheating and heartbreaks and I would certainly rather not go through it again.”

My reply…”I need tougher skin!”

Later that night my friend Jen, who is amazing, said “Val I kept settling just so I wouldn’t be bored or alone. I’d say I was ok with being alone but down deep I knew I wasn’t being truthful.”

We as women, and as men, have to know our worth. We have to know that the person in the mirror, with their flaws, is priceless and valuable. Period. No changes needed.

I love it that my friends can come over and I don’t feel like I need to stuff crap in closets and hide things to make it look like I don’t have a crazy insane life. 

I have 3 children.
I single parent.
I work full-time.

My house is going to look lived in, because it is!

The men who have came into my life recently have been very judgmental (who isn’t right!)! But what I need to realize is that their judgments show how short sighted they are and not how accepting of my life they can be.

I think I’m very observant and try to be very sensitive to things and peoples emotions, but some in this world simply ARE NOT.

I hope to have better discernment in allowing people in my life, and the lives of my children, that treat us better. That are encouragers and positive influences to us. Who love the Lord as much or more than I do.

I have so much hope for myself in the midst of my brokenness. I prayed yesterday for resurrection and I know that it is a process and I’m knee deep in the muck and mire. It will be ok, maybe not this exact minute, but it will eventually.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Need Sleep, but have HIM

When I have these fully exhausted days I’m numb nearly, very raw emotions, and a tolerance level of nil.

Sophie was up from 1:30 AM on, and when she did fall asleep, after the sun was up, she had a nightmare that there was a crab in her hair. It’s been a long night, day whatever it is.

Add in a tweenager who is bound and determined to make me feel guilty over her not seeing a movie today. Never mind the constant you have to help around the house fight that occurs every single day when I get home and see her dragging out of her bedroom just getting up.

I’m beyond. I feel like white fire. A hot mess. A don’t mess with me mess. Like I should don a superhero costume and end the B.S. in the world around me with 1 fail swoop. But I have not the energy today to swoop anyone or anywhere, so the B.S. in the world around me is safe.

I wonder what God’s intention was for me today. Not just in my life, or on this journey but TODAY.  Whatever it is, I’m thankful for it. I will battle this day, not on my own strength but with HIS.

This life is not do-able right now, so HE will make my steps, decisions, calm my anxiety, and push away my lingering depression…it’s all HIM. All HIM.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

the world today...

My phone dings at me when a news alert comes across. It’s been that way for a while, I’ve had this urging of feeling like I need to know since 9-11.

When I look back I see alerts regarding Tokyo, Munic, Paris, Florida, Nice and the list goes on I think what has happened to our security.  This insecurity is choking the life out of me and all this is hard to handle. But I pray over each of those situations and I have to go on.

I wonder if all this isn’t really new, that this destruction and hatred has always been and that in this world of technology we just happen to know about it in a split second at our fingertips.

My children are often oblivious of the chaos of the world. We don’t watch the news and we don’t receive a paper, our TV stays on cartoons.

All I think as I type these words are “where could I go, oh where could I go, seeking a refuge for my soul”. You are our answer and in YOUR clefts we hide. In YOUR words promising peace and wisdom we cling.

So Lord, as we look and all seems to fall apart, we cling ever so close to YOU.