Tuesday, February 23, 2016


I sit here and breathe in and out.

My mind has 1000 questions and I only want to ask God.

I only want to know what HE says.

But I believe I know what the answer is and instead of making my life easier and jumping for joy...it makes me sad.

I mean I asked God to restore my joy this year, and these decisions won't do that I know. But I feel HIM saying, "in the long run they will".

Here's the thing, in my life it seems there is so much that I do that is to survive the short term. Does that make sense? When you are fighting the fight for survival, you focus on the daily, minute by minute plan for survival. You rarely see the "in the long run", but I guess that is where my faith will be strengthened.

I see Lord, but please understand that my heart still hurts.

I am reminded of the verse,
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in Him.' The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul that seeks Him." Lam 3:22-25

The Lord never ceases to amaze me. I think somedays I'm so scared that I need to lay at HIS feet and rest.


Much love, me.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

My friends journey

Today I seen a Facebook post from a friend who was obviously experiencing heart ache.

I sent her a private message and come to find out her husband has asked for divorce.

Talking with her was like having flashbacks of doubt, insecurities, and the fear of unknowing how I would do this life.

Lord if I walked this journey, this rocky journey, to help her today then Lord may it lead her to seek You and your saving Grace then it's worth it.

I told her that the fact she said she has to go on and live for her kids makes her brave. Her reply was, "I don't feel very brave". I explained the brave never see their own bravery.

This post is choppy and very unrefined, I am just heartbroken for my friend and others who have been through this valley of dark times. Marriage often comes with this disillusionment of forever and happy 100% of the time. We invest all of ourselves and often become one when referred to, i.e. Brajelina (Brad and Angelina). Then years later when the facade fades we are left to find ourselves again. The not knowing how to do this or how the effects will be handled by the kids, is all overwhelming.

But as I told my friend, survive today. Don't think about tomorrow. Just know that tomorrow is coming and if I could sit and hold your hand until you seen that glorious sunrise I would. She will do great and rock this new life. I just have that faith in her, I also have that faith in my glorious God!

Much love me.

Saturday, February 13, 2016


To the momma's out there thinking how much you hate Valentine's Day...I understand.

To the momma's tired....I understand.

To the ones w a stack of bills they don't want to open...I understand.

To the ones not answering calls...I understand.

To the ones left to clean up the mess...I understand.

The ones who wonder if all the back breaking to try to keep the kids lives the same so they didn't have to do with out because of your idiot ex husbands ways...I understand.

To the ones who thought you had it again, only to remember...I understand.

To the ones so full of hope...I understand.

Much love. Me.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

tough love

I often think of leaving this one horse town...actually I think of it a lot.

Sometimes I feel tethered here because of the kids. The help I get from my parents is huge and for now it out weighs the peace of leaving.

The lure is the thought of quiet and lots of coffee lol.  However the quiet is something I sure will eventually come. Tonight 2 of my 3 are with friends and so its Sophie and I again.

This morning I was asked to pray for a young man who has had a less than smooth journey. He lost both of his parents when he was young. Has dealt w anger issues from it and now has taken to drinking heavily. My heart hurts because I know his is hurting but I have no sympathy for addicts. He was at the doctor today because he was throwing up so much and his body wouldn't stop. When I asked his aunt do you think he is ready to stop she said I don't know. I asked if he would be willing to talk to a man very much like his uncle who has also walked a horrible journey as an addict that nearly  cost him everything, her reply was no. I said then he isn't done. He doesn't want to hear what this guy has to say because he isn't ready.

The "if his parents hadn't died then maybe"...that isn't realistic. The blaming the drinking on the past doesn't set well either. Responsibility sucks. Getting up and doing a day you really don't want too, sucks. Paying bills, suck.

But this is life. It's not for wimps.

Much love, tough love...me

Monday, February 8, 2016

Realizing the Noise

God you are so good, even when things don't go Val's way. you still shine through.

This weekend was crazy, but all are. My house still looks like a bomb went off, and truthfully it has and it has and is named Sophia. Very busy little girl.

We did miss church yesterday, literally laid down for a second and woke up wondering what time it was. It wasn't an easy day for Sophia because she came to understand that Super Bowl takes control of the t.v. and she was without cartoons for hours. She did survive much to her disbelief.

Kennedy and Ian returned from their dads house, and my family was once again whole. I will never understand why that man has to be in our lives, but for the time he is, God and I will talk someday.

Today I read in Matthew and am always humbled and saddened when Jesus is in the Garden and sweating drops of blood. His pleading to have the cup removed, 3 times he pleaded. As a parent I can't imagine the agony of having your child plead for help and know what the next few hours would hold for him. The humbling comes at at the fact that God let HIS child endure pure hell and humiliation for me.

I always get sickened at the fact that people spit on Him. What in the world! To me spit is despicable. Degrading. It's mor than I can imagine. the physical was so horrendous that he died from it, but the spit, the names, the accusations, and the jokes, those don't kill, they just mutilate you enough to wish you were dead. Then the betrayal of Judas for 30 coins...what a joke...what a joke. Hours before he had his feet washed and celebrated the Lord's Supper and then betrayed him.

Lord, I cannot fathom it all. The next few chapters get incredibly worse and it rips at me to read them. I need this reminder though, this world needs this reminder.

When I read these passages it honestly puts dealing with an idiot ex in a less than needing to be discussed place. There are far greater things than wondering why this idiot has a place in my contact realm. So i breathe in and let it go! It will be fine, irregardless it is what it is...noise.

Have a blessed Monday!
Much love, Me.

Saturday, February 6, 2016


Today the sun is out and it's hard to believe this is February instead of April. We are blessed. Last night Sophie was still awake at midnight, so I'm feeling the equivalent of a person who partied all night. I'm wiped out today, but this is my catch up get ready for the weekly race day. I trudge on slower but onward.

I'm still battling nightmares and I can't seem to break free from them, these too keep me from relaxing.

I'm not feeling any great words of wisdom today...but I thank You Lord for my little redhead spit fire who goes 100 mph and has me up waaayyyy past my bedtime, who sings me crazy songs, and keeps me on my toes!

Ugh...till I have more insight and sleep...

Much love me

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

1 Shoe!

Wow it's Wednesday, only Wednesday! This is a busy week at home for us.

Cheer has started this week with traveling games and juggling it all is difficult. Traveled last night to our game in McCleansboro...with my daughter and 6 other kids. I was serenaded all the way there! ALL THE WAY! And I have learned a new dance move called the pop-it?? I did find it funny that one of the songs they all new was the song Scrubs by TLC!! I knew word for word!!!

Finally got to the gym and seen the girls scurrying around and looked like little chaos...it was my daughter only had 1 shoe...UGH! Dear God! 1 shoe!!!

Games were not in the Win column for us, but a great time was had and I'm needing a nap today.

How do you not have 2 shoes???? Still baffled!

Blessings all!!

Much love, me