Tuesday, June 24, 2014

And again I ask

She lays here beside me and I type one handed, for she is holding my other one.

A week of sickness has passed with her not being Sophie and I hate it.

As a single mom I battle so much more than a married mom.

Its all mine and I own it.

It's the endless days of the past week where you simply nap through the nighttime in between giving meds, and getting drinks and making her comfortable.

Her sickness will pass, hopefully soon, but the exhaustion that is all around is wearing me thin.

I asked HIM again last night through my tears, "WHY!".

There wasn't an answer again.

So I hold on, clinging to FAITH, clinging to HOPE, all alone knowing HE is my answer.

Much love today, me.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Saturday, June 20

It's Saturday, the sun is out & my goodness its a beautiful day!

We are blessed.

I did my walk of shame to the library with my 4 years overdue book & paid the fine & then donated the book back to them. I took with me Ian & Sophie. Lord, Sophie was soooo loud, I swear they had to have all shook their heads when we finally left. She was screaming, I was wearing snot on both of my shoulders, and my head is pounding!

I think being these 3 kids momma is a wonderful thing, but so help me…. if I HEAR MOMMA MOMMA MOMMA ONE MORE TIME I'M GONNA LOSE IT TODAY!

The combination of this head ache, Sophie's cold, a mountain of laundry and a few other things I'm mentally done, to the point of putting on my jammies & calling it a day.

I ran to Carbondale today & spent my Kohls cash on new pillows for my living room & a fantastic platter for my dining room.

But the pain of the headache about did me in on the trip home.

I find myself so lost some days, I seem to relive some memories just to try to feel like a girl again. Someone somebody once loved.

But quickly I'm brought back to reality and my job taking care of 3 amazingly beautiful children, just with a broken heart.

I find myself wanting to close inward again and just survive. But I know I can't that I must endure these times, and survive for the sake of HOPE and FAITH.

HOPE that this brokenness won't consume me and FAITH in God's promise.

Well my minute of time to myself is long gone & Sophie needs a nap desperately.

Off to being momma now….

As Reba once said, "the world doesn't stop for my broken heart".

Much love, me.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014


Last night I was exhausted, who of us momma's aren't.

I begged just to close my eyes, even though I was up and down a million times it seems. 

With my 2 oldest back from their weekend visit with their dad it is customary to want to huddle together in my bed. 

So was the door locked? where's the passy? get the dog outside? turn the tv off? someone needed a drink, I needed a bathroom break...but what I was truly begging for was peace & quiet.

However as warm & cozy as it is that we all 4 pile into the bed, Sophie wasn't taking kindly to having a Bubba to share a pillow with and a dog touching her feet. Life wasn't going well for her. 

As anyone within a block radius could tell, Sophie's cries were deafening. I begged, pleaded...she was having a come-a-part and I was too.

I always regret the way I handle those situations. I'm sure as momma's we all second guess the way we handle EVERY situation. 

As I look back on last night I think, good grief of all the things Jesus bestowed on me last night the thing I could have passed on was GRACE, and didn't.

What am I teaching my kids if I don't teach them GRACE?

Now I could give you a list of reasons why I was short tempered and tired and while I'm sure that many of you would nod your head and say "been there", it's not an out for me not giving the thing I deserved least.

Here's hoping for a better day!

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Lord, I praise YOU for all the blessings I have in my day, 

even the ones I have no idea about.

I went to work today.

I was dressed nice, hair done, make up on.

Smile in place. Warm gestures to all (or at least all but 1) who crossed my path.

My hands, mind, and fingers all going as fast as they could go.

Bumps happened and times I wanted to stop smiling and let the real show.

But I didn't.

I kept on, keeping on.

I wrote to YOU and told you how I felt I was drowning again.

YOU brought to mind the song, "Where could I go".

I have no where else Lord.

There is no place to lay my burdens down.

No friend who has shoulders left to help me carry mine.

So I kept going today.

I'm suppose to give YOU my burdens Lord. (Why when I type those words to tears appear?)

My burdens are ugly, some self-created, others have grown out of molehills, some I can't even speak (or even type), and yes they truly are all mine. No one else would or could attempt to claim them.

Where could I go, O' where could I go
Seeking a refuge for my soul.

I need a refuge. A place to hide, and feel safe again. A place to know I was going to be okay.

Because on days like today, I don't.

Today I received bad news from a friend and she said, "it will be okay". I replied, "no it won't". She asked "why" and I told her "because I'm a single mom losing this battle".

She of course went on to offer words of encouragement, because that's what we do, we lift one another up.

I'm overwhelmed and full of fear of not making it. It's scary out here in this world Lord.

I need YOU like never before, I want to smell YOUR scent, feel the breeze of your passing by me, feel the warmth of YOU radiating brightly. I need to feel YOUR touch, hear YOU speak to me, and know beyond anything else it is YOU. Make it clear. Make it without question. Keep Satan away guard me, with a thousand angels today because there is no fight left in me.

Hold me today & tonight when I sleep please don't leave my beside.

Being a single mom is hard and there aren't any arms to run to here in this world. So hold me Loving Father, keep me safe and let me know it will be okay.

Much love, me.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Taking a stand against a bully

It's 2 AM here & in my bed attached to me is Sophie & somewhere towards my feet is Ian.

Can't sleep.

I have been finding myself tempted by Satan recently.

The neighborhood bully and her mother taunt and harass my children and I, and nothing angers a momma more than someone picking on their child.

This taunting & harassing pushes me to a level of low that is only known to the snake of the grass himself.

Oh just walk away from them is the advice given by so many. I ask, why should my kids and I be forced inside of the house because they taunt. No we stand strong. We hold to our belief that 1 person not overrun another person. We hold strong to the fact that physical violence-even threatened amongst kids- isn't to be tolerated.

I hold strong knowing that my children's bully is bigger than my kids, and even though her ways are being brought on because of jealousy or whatever, it can't be tolerated.

I think of Adam and Eve in the Garden and how the temptation of the devil brought them down. I can't allow these "people" to do that to me.

I think of the little girl from Columbine who when asked who is a Christian, stood up and said I am. If you ask me who will stand up against my son & daughter's bully, I am.

The laws of our community do not affect the dealings between kids regarding harassment, bullying, or taunting. Basically let the kids fight it out amongst themselves is the thought process. I don't believe a child 2-3 times bigger than mine is a fair fight. I also have read about bullying statics and the correlation to suicide and other problems later in life.

I am taking a stand against this little girl and her mother, we will not be pushed to hide in our house or retreat to our backyard because of their gruffness.

I will pay the fine and penalty for my wrongs but this will be stopped. i cannot believe that God would approve of how I handled things recently and through HIS Grace I see my error. But accept her abuse and retreat isn't God's way either.

You see in the last 10 years HE has given me 3 particular lives to love and raise and protect. If I let someone bully, pick on, or even verbally abuse one of them I am held accountable especially if I knew it.

I pray for wisdom on how to deal with this situation. I pray for strength to continue to stand strong and tall for my children. I pray for help in dealing with them, I pray for favor on searching for answers.

HE says ask, seek, knock, whisper if you must, but always come! I am here Lord, seeking, learning, hoping, asking, loving, believing, knowing, and waiting for YOUR answer to come.

Much love, me.