Taking care of me.

Good morning Lord.

There has been some words that have been shown to me and I need to talk about them this morning...

Self Love.

Not the kind of sinful, but the kind that you actually recognize the need for yourself to be taken care of.

I'm there. I need to be cared for.

I need nice nails because they make me feel better. So I will continue to buy the polish in the colors I love (and some are even at the dollar tree!).

I love to read, so I will continue to get the books I like. The Library is one of my favorite places.

And Lord could we talk about something....


I've been wondering "who am I". I know what YOUR word says. But there seems to be 2 sides to me the positive "good morning, how are you" genuinely caring for other people person and then there is the emotional side that is around too. The ugly crier the wordy one, the one who is sad.

I've wondered who is who and which one is the me?  I think I'm the first one who is normal. Lord you don't make mistakes and you don't mess up, so I can't be a mistake or an oops.

I'm recovering from a tough week and from a horrible cold and a med change. I spent most of yesterday on the couch. It was good. So very good. I had made plans for us after Christmas and I cancelled those so that I might heal. I can't heal throwing myself into a situation where my nerves and anxiety will be high. I have to reel back my expectations, not the kids expectations, but my own and take care of me.

I'm ok being alone and I'm ok that I am with my kids 100% of the time. Its ok. I'm good, I love YOU Lord!

Better find out what the dogs are barking at.... talk later, love me.

So I got up this morning and went straight to listening to Beth Moore. Lordy mercy that woman feels like she and I are talking across the table when she is teaching.

My day was insane as always but on the way home I decided I needed to look something up in the Bible, I wanted to know what was said about confidence.

Because I have a ton of confidence when it comes to talking about my passion and my drive for feeding the hungry or things I love like my kids.

But...

I lack personal confidence.

The I'm enough and the I'm good enough issue.

So I wanted to know what the Bible said about it, so I googled it and was led to 2 Corinthians 3:1-5

2 Corinthians 3:1-5 New International Version (NIV)

3 Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Or do we need, like some people, letters of recommendation to you or from you? 2 You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everyone. 3 You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.

4 Such confidence we have through Christ before God. 5 Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.

-- copied from Bible Gateway

I think that when it is asking are we to commend ourselves, to me it's says Val you don't need someone to put you on a pedestal... No awards, no atta girls, Val know and realize you are enough. Someone doesn't have to give you warm fuzzies. Rest in the Lord and know that you are enough as you are. JUST AS YOU ARE. Also that I am to be known as Christ daughter by HIS doing and not by mine. And that when I'm led by God I'm leaving the writings on human hearts and showing God's love for them.

Me.

Perspective

Today was one of those days where memories seem to flow fast and furious.

I had to go to the hospital to get my Gma and bring her home.

Passing the waiting room where I sat in shock after my cousin & husband were killed in a wreck.

Passing the room where my uncle took his last breath and we said our forever good-bye.

Into the room where I helped my near 91 year old grandma get dressed and pulled all the heart monitor stickers off her thin skin.

The calling the ambulance and going through the admittance questions and the processes are becoming second nature.

Hearing the ER Doctor talk about her age, and knowing she has had several pacemakers already, I know what I don't want to know.

But today makes me sad. The hospital visit made me sad. Knowing my grandma wants us to come and put out her Christmas decorations this year makes me sad, because that was something my Uncle Doug did for her every year. Now he is gone.

Perspective is a crazy thing and today I don't like it.

Me.

Tough day

I knew waking up the today would be a struggle. I feel a cold coming on and I'm wiped out from all the going during Thanksgiving break.

So coming home and finding my pj's was a blessing.

Then...

My son who is sick couldn't find his diffuser. I said I will look under your bed... MISTAKE. I spent the next 2 hours screaming and trying to make him understand that was unacceptable.

Meaning the girls ate without me.

Oldest daughter was told no to driving around, then my friend called and she said I'm just going to run my friend somewhere. I agreed. 2 1/2 hrs later... I called her to come home.

My youngest... on the iPad for 4 1/2 hours.... then at 9:30 when I tell her put it up she says I'm hungry.

I LOST MY SHIT TONIGHT.

I SCREAMED.

I YELLED.

I HAVE GIVEN OUT PUNISHMENTS.

NOW, I feel like garbage. I overreacted. I know it.

Things to change because of this...
1. 8:30 S is off electronics and in bed. Snacks done by this time and we are done.
2. 9:00 K is home, no running after that. All HW must be done prior to leaving.
3. I Must bring home books and he will have all the trash from his room emptied by the mid of week.
4. I need to be off the phone as well by 8:30, my mind needs to be clear.

See my friend called me and this person is in the KNOW of many things pertaining to many people. Tonight some things were said that made me understand why other things have happened. I can simply say this... 1. there is no one I would repeat this stuff too. You learn more about people by watching them than anything else. 2. I'm glad that I cannot be said to have been doing/or doing this stuff because I don't put myself in situations where they can be said of me.

Lord you have called me to be better than the piece of crap I've been to my kids tonight. You have called me to not scream like I did, to not talk to my kids like I did. I'm ashamed of myself. The mom guilt is tough tonight. I want to throw up.

God I'm so tired. I'm so over being this way. Help me.
Me.