Thursday, September 27, 2012

Reminder to myself

I'm a planner by fault.

I like my pencil and my calendar and I like to know where & how the whole sha-bang will work out.

I don't like things out of order and I believe everything has a place and a home in life.

I like things to work like a system.

In fact I use that word a lot.

I'm not really spontaneous, and not really a surprise person.

So at this point in my life the 'not knowing' how, when, or any specifics of my today/tomorrow and how all this will work out is maddening.

All I know is God has got this.

The battle has been fought for me and won and HE is in control.

HE told me, and tells me daily, that he has already paid for my ransom with HIS Blood and that I am HIS child.

He truly does have the world in His hand, and my life too, and values us both the same!

Satan likes to play mind games and use the fact that I am a planner against me. He will often say, add up the numbers, there's no way, but God always says "remember I got this one too".

God has yet to fail me.

For nearly a year now Richie has been in my life. And I have often times during this year found myself up at for whatever reason at 2 AM (mainly because of Sophie) worrying/wondering about things with him.

Shouldn't I have peace by now?

Shouldn't there?

I'm tired of the wondering, the questions, the I don't really get it's?

I'm tired of feeling bitter Lord.

I'm tired of saying "responsibility shouldn't just fall to me".

I'm tired of letting these people in my life and it falling apart again, or is it maybe not the being "tired" but the fact that I know this isn't healthy?

The kids don't need to see another man walk away from them. Do I think that Richie will? No not really, but the problem isn't that he would walk away, but rather fail to be a responsible person and me have to remove him from their lives.

I can't fight anymore Lord. I can't.

I'm tired. I must focus on my priority. The ones that has been given to me.

Those with those brown eyes that stare back at me with wonder and excitement about getting to text on their own phone and the fact that the tooth fairy is coming tonight!

Those 2 people and this little one who within 12 days will be in my arms!

That is my world.

Last night I receive an online chat from one of the 3 people in my life I have truly loved. Even though it was 20 years ago, seeing his face pop up on chat made me smile. He was truly my best friend, and always will be in my heart.

I lost him during my marriage and relationship with Tim and hearing his voice and seeing his picture makes me smile even now.

He has a beautiful family and is happy, so please don't misread my words.

But I explained my last 8 1/2 months to him and I cried the entire time I typed the words. I don't know why but I did.

Telling him was the last of the people I dreaded telling. I don't like the word "dreaded" but the hurt and the guilt are still something I'm dealing with.

He of course was very encouraging and very supportive, as I knew he would be.

I guess the hard part is knowing that there are people around me that are encouraging and supportive to me, no matter if I feel alone or not.

Sometimes I need someone. A lot of times I need someone, not to help with the trash, or dishes or discipline the kids, but just to say "I love you", or "you got this", or "your a great mom don't worry".

Because in our maddening world of demands, and questions, and worries, and doubts, and fear, we all need to remember that the battle has been fought, the price has been paid and God wins.

So quit fighting, quit worrying, and remember God's got this!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Still believing....

A couple of weeks ago my preacher spoke about how God predestined our paths. He told about how everything that has happened and will happen HE already knew and knows. Pastor Jeff's last few words of the sermon were "in this room there are no accidents".

In my situation today, I needed to be reminded of that. I needed to hear that there are no accidents to God. As hard as this time has been for me, HE already knew what was going to happen. HE already knew about Sophie. HE already knew that being a single mom was part of my future.

Pastor Jeff spoke about his path that he had walked that brought him to where he was at that moment and that if just one little thing had changed how his entire future would have been altered.

I'm tired. I'm ready to bring her into this world and love her and forget about the miniscule stuff. I want to smell her little head and rub her feet. I want to know that she is fine and perfect and I want to show her how much she means to me.

I want to see my children with her, I want to figure out how all this is going to work.

I have a doctor appointment today and am full of hope but know that my anxious ways are sometimes or basically always not on God's timetable.

These recent days have been tough and last night was no exception. Add into the fact that I have a terrible chest cold that makes me feel like 1. I've broken/bruised ribs every time I cough and 2. I've got to pee each time, and one becomes very miserable very fast.

But in God's time I keep trying to convince myself.

This recent days I find myself wanting to hold up inside my humble abode and not go anywhere or do anything. I just long for night time so that me and my children can crawl into bed and snuggle up.

I have become quite the homebody and wish that my weekends were longer and my nights were too. But I know that God is in control and that these hormones/emotions are only temporary and that HE will bring me through this, a different and stronger person. A person HE has destined me to be.

I am scared but Yes Lord I still believe!

Much love, me.

PS- Maybe next time I'm here I'll have a new addition to share!

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Time Out

Tonight I gave myself a timeout.

I had too. I crossed the line with anger.

The life of a single mother isn't easy on any level.

The single mother is responsible for it all. The discipline, the rewards, the lessons learned, the dinner prepared after a long day at work, the laundry, the dishes, the baths, the homework and the list is endless.

The single mother is the mother and the father everyday. And it sucks.

We are the ones who have to rationalize whether or not buying that toy is what we should do right now for our child. The child who has done so well in school, and on her piano, and so we say..."alright I will do it".

Then we are the ones who realize the sacrifice that buying that toy was when we have our bills and everything else to weigh in.

We know the sacrifice, and seldom do they. But it is us that has to teach them that lesson too.

So when a night of breaking up fights and stopping arguments after yet another rough day at work is coming to a close and we seem to be pushed to that next level of pettiness "I" break.

I scream like a banshee and say things I didn't mean with a tone that was uncalled for because I had had enough. So I gave myself a time out. I came to my room, shut the door, and said "why did you give me these kids to raise when I am a mess myself?"

These are the times God is surely shaking His head and thinking "geez!"

So I took away the toy, took away the remote, the computer, and gave her a book and bid her goodnight. Will this be our last go around? I hope so for tonight. Will I have to reteach this lesson, probably. Will I learn anything from this lesson? I hope so.

I'm a mess.

I'm a single mother of 2 great kids who make mistakes.

I make mistakes.

We all do.

But here is hoping for a better tomorrow.