Thursday, December 13, 2012

Been Here-Done This Before

These last few days have been really hard on me emotionally.

But the thing about this time in my life is...I've been here before.

I've lived this time before, the heartache, the pain, the madness, the why's, the "this isn't suppose to be my life". Yep, all of them and more.

The only difference this time is I have someone still saying "I love you" to me.

Not sure that will carry them back into my life or not. Today at this second, it won't.

I went to the Carter's to leave Sophie last night so that his mom can watch her today and it the drive was hard to say the least. It was the knowing that when I get there that he wouldn't be there like so many times before.

When I did get there I sat up the pack n'play and we laid Soph down & her smiles would melt an iceberg! They were amazing! Better than any sunset, better than anything in the world! I needed those smiles right then & there to know, I'm okay.

The night before I had been praying that just like when God sent the Angel to Mary to prepare her for her adventure that He would send one to me to let me know It was going to be okay.

I cried & cried feeling so abandoned. Then Soph started to cry too. Kennedy picked her up & was bringing her to me in the kitchen. I heard "OH NO" and when I turned around Sophie had spit up all inside Kennedy's shirt, we both stood there and laughed so hard & Soph smiled. It was the icebreaker I needed to know "Smile, lighten up, I got this, now go enjoy my children the dishes can wait". So I did.

Kennedy, Sophie & Ian are perfect and I am blessed. Heartbroken at times still, but so blessed.


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Cherished, Child of God

I heard from him yesterday.

I don't understand things, but knowing he was okay made me feel better.

He has to get help, its not an option. This is something bigger than him, and if he doesn't get help
it can destroy more than him alone.

He can survive this.

I can survive this, I know because God told me.

When I was out shopping last weekend I bought myself something. A set of 3 bracelets. They are a reminder to me that I am "Cherished" & "Child of God", Deut. 7:6. The other two are just colorful.

How crazy it is that I feel I have to be reminded of that. But whatever it takes!

Have a good day.


Monday, December 10, 2012

Struggling to survive


I’m fighting back tears already & it’s only 8:20 AM.

Richie left this past Thursday, I heard from him last night only 2 short messages. 
I left several. 

No explanation. 

No offer of apology. 


My heart is broken.

My tears are hot & want to flow down my face. 

But I remain strong & I try to remain confident and faithful.  

Faithful that God will save me. 

But I don’t know how that will happen right now. 

Then again I’m not suppose to know that.

I clicked on my phone messages & an old message came up, it was from him back in November and it told me that he loved me. UGH! I didn’t need that today. Not now.

Help me to keep it together Lord. Help me to remain strong & to get through this. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this, please show me the steps to take.

Love, Me.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

My heart hurts.

I went shopping last night, alone.

It was hard.

I mustered through it, and hope that I am close to being done. Hope. I have a focus-ing issue and am finding it hard to concentrate.

I really don't have much of the Holiday Spirit in me, my heart hurts too much right now.

The kids & I went to church. Richie's family was there & their hearts hurt too. I think that we all fought off the tears and just got through it. But when Kennedy asked his mom if she knew where he was we all about broke.

I went to Walmart today & ran into the guy who Richie left with, if looks could kill this guy grave would be a fresh one.

My friend Ryan called to check on me & if he had called yet or not. I nearly had an anxiety attack just talking about it. I must admit though that I sent him a text tonight reminding him that tomorrow is Sophie has a dr apt tomorrow. I was shocked when he sent me a "Ok" text.

My heart just really hurt so badly.

Then my cousin Austin, his girlfriend and my cousin Macie came by, Austin hugged me & it helped so much. He doesn't know, but I needed that so badly.

Thanks Lord for sending me Austin.


The End.

Richie- I knew our good-bye was coming soon. What I didn't know was that it would come because you had a choice to make & wouldn't choose to change for us.

Your anger was too much. That was what I thought was the problem.

I've since discovered that was the only the result of you drinking again.

I've never dealt with this before.

All I can tell you is that the pain and anger I have felt in these last few days are the same from when I was left before.

I can't go back there.

I'm done.


Jesus- You promised that I wouldn't be left alone. Please don't leave me. I need you.


Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Still accepting change

I began the “chrismtas-ing” of my house on Sunday. I emptied boxes, carried stuff in, set stuff out, turned on lights, cleaned and finally got everything but the tree up. Our house looked homey and very festive even without the tree. The kids came home from a visit with their dad and were so excited!

So last night I began the battle with the tree. It is a hand me down from my mom, and it’s a big one. My living room is very narrow so I really don’t have the room for this tree, but since money is non-existent it will have to do.

I knew from the get go I wasn’t pleased with it, but also knew I didn’t have a choice. So when I drug it out of the box and began to put it together my heart sank. It didn’t look like I wanted it to look. There was no clean smell, only a dusty odor, the branches still needed to be fluffed and the fact that it was leaning didn’t help matters. I sat down in my rocker and began to cry. 

My pity party started out with why do I have to get the hand me downs, it then went to all the comments from my sister about their money stash and their new tree they just went and bought, and how much I don’t have in comparasion. Richie came out to try to help and I bit his head off and he left me alone. Ian came out to read to me a story from his school book and I had no other choice but to sit and listen.

I knew/know that I am blessed beyond belief, so why do I allow myself to be pulled down by the weight of comparing myself to others? My kids don’t see a tree that leans or even the idea of it being a hand me down, they see Christmas. They see a time of excitement and wonder, they don’t care about the “non-perfect” tree or the fact that money is tight.

My poor attitude with the tree only made matters much much worse with Richie and an argument began. I sat in tears, he sat in anger, and Kennedy looked at me and quietly said “I love you mom” and I cried some more.

As a single mom the holidays are rough. It’s a reminder that my family isn’t the “family” it use to be. I know it’s better now with Ms. Sophie but I lived for 20 years with this idea of how my “family” was going to be and for the past 3 years its been different. I just can’t seem to program my thinking into this new idea of how it is.

I wouldn’t go backwards for anything in the world. But reprograming our minds and our hearts to be accepting of a new way of life is difficult at best. God says in Habakkuk 3:17-19 that though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Soverign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights.

My salvation this day, this month, this season of finding myself still accepting change is my Lord. HE is the one who will save me from the pit, will rescue me from my guilt, will remind me that I’m not to be compared to others, and help me remember that I am loved no matter how bad of a day I’ve had. HE is my rescuer. I find myself today wanting to lay my head in HIS lap and let HIM remind me that it will be ok, that this is a joyful season, that all my problems don’t matter at all and that HE is in control.

I will be okay, I know it, my hurts will go away, and (hopefully soon) my hormones will be in check, but for now I will cry when I need to and shout praises to HIM even through my tears.