Sunday, April 22, 2012

Sunday morning

It's a Sunday morning in my world. Joel Osteen is on my tv as I type this post.

I told my children on Friday evening about the newest addition to our family that will be arriving in the next 6 months. Their reaction was full of God's Grace. I cried.

I decided to call him and let him know that my children know and they are so excited so come Church time be prepared they will talk! Basically I was saying, without saying, you better get your parents told or my children will.

One of the questions my daughter asked was "is Richie excited?", when I told him she asked his reply was "I would be if things were different for me". This sent me straight to the edge! I told him "that isn't going to stop the fact that a baby will be here in 6 months." I then broke into tears & told him goodbye.

He tried to call again and I didn't answer.

The next day we did talk. I told him a lot of the things I had been holding inside of me, he apologized, confessed his 'love' and told me when the baby comes he is sure he will love it.

Awww. Isn't that encouraging? WHATEVER!

There isn't enough emotion left for me to explain the feelings. My baby inside of me doesn't deserve to wait 6 months to see and hope that its daddy is going to love them because maybe just maybe things will be good enough in his life to love them.

I shared a good day with both of my kids, it was a very cold day that we ended up spending the afternoon at the ballpark with their practices. God is good, no God is GREAT! I'm blessed beyond words. That doesn't mean I don't hurt and that I don't fall victim to this worlds demands.

Have a blessed Sunday, we will!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

I was a girl who was confident, proud, and felt and believed I was blessed by God above. 
Even though the last few years had been really really hard on me, I knew that my survival was only because of God alone. I know HE is the only reason I made it through all those hard nights and days when anger consumed me and sadness made me wonder if I would or could survive.
Then I began to pray “God send me a good man, a man who is in Church.” Guessing I should have maybe been a little more observant to the fact that I needed a little more than just that.
I noticed a guy, in my church of 10-15, that was oboviously single and was very quiet and very reserved. As with each fall my sister and I go to see a college football game in a neighboring town and we invited him. We had a really good time and it wasn’t long after that that we began talking on the phone and then one night he came over. It was kind of odd when he asked me if I could pick him up, but I thought OOOOKKKK. So I did and he explained that he had a dui that he was taking care of and that he had moved here to get a job but wasn’t having any luck. I thought OOOOOKKKKK. No biggie, Tim was once in that same situation and its fixable. That being the operative word that my sister and I both used because he was so nice.
So that night he kissed me, the first kiss in almost 2 years and the first in over 20 years to a man I wasn’t married too. It wasn’t long until we began seeing a lot more of each other and he came over several times and the kids and I had such a great time with him. He was amazing with my kids. He seemed to really care and they needed to see that and honestly so did I.
The holidays came and went and we got serious and close. His sweetness was so charming and was so addictive I remember asking “how is it that you are single?”.
I didn’t ask many questions, I didn’t want to pry. I knew that he had a child with a previous girlfriend to who he didn’t marry. I knew he didn’t have a good visitation schedule set up and rarely seen the child nor talk much with them. But I didn’t pry.
Then comes January and something isn’t quite right with me. I noticed that I wasn’t feeling normal, but just chocked it up to emotions with PMS. He had started staying with me for a few days at a time and during one span he was there nearly 2 weeks during January. Things were going good though, we spent our weekends going to basketball games at the high school and our weeknights enjoying each other’s laughter. 
Throughout this month I discovered 2 things, one I believe that I was pregnant and 2 that he was drinking a lot.
It didn’t take long to confirm both and that was the beginning of the end. The beginning of a lot of questions that didn’t add up and the beginning of learning just who I had gotten involved in. 
With the confirmation of the pregnancy, I began to feel really deceived. I mean how could this happen to me? This man, God and even myself all worked in this deception. 
This couldn’t possibly be my life. But the fact is as I type these words today I’m 3 months pregnant and this is my life. 
I could easily fill the rest of this area with the words that were said between he and I and I could easily tell you how hurt I was. But no. I choose to tell you that through this entire 3 months of my pregnancy and through these last few months with him that God is using this time as a test for me. This is the beginning of a time of testimony of how HE sustained me when I didn’t want to blink another blink or breathe another breath. This is my testimony about how God forgave me, a sinner, and how I had to take that forgiveness and accept HIS Grace and forgive myself. That last part…it’s the hardest part. 
So please bear with me as I struggle to find my way as a single mom of 2 and ½ children. Prayers are welcome and encouraging words are cherished and this is my (our) story…