Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Choices to make

I’m here on day 3 of returning to work.

My head swims with everything that I have going on around me.

The piles of work are separated, but thick with things that need to be concentrated on. But I have no concentration.

I have 1 thing on my mind, I want to go home.

I want to put my comfy clothes on and get Sophie & snuggle on the couch.

I want to watch Kennedy & Ian play the Wii & laugh.

I want to laugh.

I want to forget the world.

I want to just be with my kids.

I never imagined being in a relationship after my divorce. I had hope, but could never imagine it. I am not sure why, but never did.

I need this weekend to just escape from life.

I want to cry right now. I’m sure some of it is exhaustion, being overwhelmed, the fact that this relationship thing is unimaginably hard, and because I know I have decisions to make.

Lord, my faith is in YOU. My choice is loving YOU. Please Father, help me with these choices that I have in front of me. Make my path known.


Sunday, November 25, 2012


This is a small sign I have in my home. It was originally bought for a Christmas decoration, but has come to mean many other things to me.

Tonight it is here on my mantle and I looked at it after a bumpy few hours & thought Believe in what?

The thought that things aren't quite what I imagined. That things are hard and I often need a break. That I am often belittled by other peoples views of what my life should be and how I should handle things. That people expect and have come to demand things from me when I have nothing-absolutely nothing left to give.

I start back to work tomorrow. 7 weeks after giving birth to a baby I didn't plan on having, but a baby that I cannot imagine living without. This time it's really hard.

Am I to believe that this will get better? Eventually yes it will. I know that, eventually she will sleep all night, the kids won't fight so much, and this relationship thing will have worked itself out. But for now it sucks.

I've hit a brick wall.

I'm tired. I'm dreading tomorrow.

But I know that living a life where I stay at home isn't possible. That I'm a working single mom of 3 beautiful children who is struggling to figure out how to handle the stress of raising them and being in a relationship.

I feel like I'm constantly trying to figure out who I am and what I want and what I believe in this life.

I just thought that I would always be the person I was before. Then my life got shifted around, the love I thought would never leave me left, and left me with a world of responsibility unimaginable. I had to change at that point. I became a person who was struggling to survive but surviving.

Then love walked in again, but brought with it its own set of challenges and obstacles to overcome.

I'm tired.

I don't want to fight to overcome anymore obstacles. I don't want to fight anymore fights, even if in the long run its worth it, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of believing that something better will come through, I'm tired of being let down by my own hopes.

I'm going to go grab my kids, snuggle in and try to forget all this. I want things to be better, but believing right now that they will be is too hard.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Clarity? Think again.

I actually thought that maybe a good dose of a weekend might bring clarity and peace to this unsettled feeling I have.

But its only 7 AM on Saturday morning and I know as strongly now as I did before that this is it.

Last night wasn't any better. There was no disrespect like the other night but his attitude was hateful.

I can't deal with it, I need a break and I need it soon.

Today is a crazy busy day but at some point the conversation will make its way out.

I've been praying: God present me an opportunity to speak to this man, to not be harsh or unloving, but respectful (even when I don't receive it in return), help me to use ONLY the words provided by YOU. Help me to be strong and to not waiver, and Lord please clothe me with the armor of YOU so that the devil will not penetrate any part of my body, mind or soul.


Friday, November 9, 2012

My Journey

When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted. (Psalm 138:3)

I survived that night. Woke up the next morning (or at least hours later) to the overflowing of "I'm sorry's" and "I love you's", not surprised. Its a wonder what a few hours of sleep with cause a person to reconsider. But is it enough? No is my answer, at least not right now.

My heart is still so heavy. 

I'm not ready to forgive, not willing to say "I understand that you were just tired". 

I'm not ready to give him an excuse for being disrespectful.

It seems that all too often I give people the "it's okay" for their bad actions or words. 

You see I'm exhausted too, a newborn has that effect on people.

Ms. Sophie had her 1 mo. check up yesterday & she now weighs 7 lbs 9 oz! We took in a little shopping too. 

I seen a family friend & she ooh & ahh'd, then said "you look great, but very tired". Great. This was of course after our waitress asked me "what is this baby to you?" meaning is she your grandchild? How old do I freaking look??? 

So remorse about him not getting any sleep, don't have any!

Where will this relationship go? I don't know. I don't have to make any decisions right now.

All I know is that God is my refuge, HE is my strength, HE will guide me through this.

And the journey begins....

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Finding Strength Again

I've prayed about my relationship with Richie for months and months now.

I've prayed God please remove him from my life if it is not meant to be.

I wanted my heart to not to break.

I didn't think I could go through another heart break again. I didn't want to.

I figured that maybe since we had been living together for nearly a month now that things were better.
That we had overcome whatever obstacle was preventing us from making it in this relationship thing.

As anyone who has had a newborn before knows sleep is a valuable commodity. Very valuable.

And as anyone knows lack of sleep is not pretty. But lack of sleep is not an excuse. Period.


Tonight a line was crossed and I realized afterwards when I was trying to figure out what had happened I realized my heart broke.

The thing I didn't want to happen, happened.

I was/am basically back in a bad situation.

Remember all those thoughts about our lives together, our future, all gone.

All I can think of now is that I want to put my kids in the car and drive away. I can't and won't because I need sleep and so do they.

I want to wrap my family up in a tight ball and forget the world.

I have a friend who is dealing with some hard times and she was really upset with some choices she had made and told me that she wasn't strong enough to deal with her situation. I told her that she was, she just didn't know it now. But tomorrow when she woke up and realized she had made it through the night she would be amazed and thank God. That strength isn't something you are born with, but rather something you develop.

I know from the past that I will survive this, I don't have a choice. But there are things that are in my life that I do have a choice and this is when I will have to find my strength again.

Pray & wish me luck.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Looking for God's Fingerprints

It happened again, it happens about once a day.

The "what in the world- I didn't know" conversation.

I explain the "I know it was a surprise to me, but everything is great" part and smile.

My smile isn't real, its full of hurt, and I never know exactly how to end that conversation.

She is here with me, wrapped in a fuzzy pin blanket snuggled up all adorable and perfect! I couldn't ask for anything more! God has completed my life with hers.

Why do people think that they should be informed on every aspect of our lives. Guessing because facebook makes it possible to tell everyone everything, but its not necessary.

No one needs to know what you are doing today, what you are having for supper, or even if you are pregnant or not (especially if you don't want them to know).  I wasn't embarrassed about being pregnant, but condemned by guilt. I had to deal with my own guilt and accept God's forgiveness and then my own forgiveness.

I also didn't feel that those people who didn't care about me and my life on a daily basis didn't need an outlet to give me input on my life and situation. I didn't need to know what "they" thought, I needed to be quite and listen to what God was saying.

My life is confusing, hard, emotional, and a mess on any given day at any given time and a lot of times I don't call and confess to my girlfriends because I'm hoping to hear God's voice. I want and need to hear HIM! I need HIS direction! I need his fingerprints on my life again! But then again I look beside me and this sweet bundle is absolutely covered with HIS prints!