Tonight it is here on my mantle and I looked at it after a bumpy few hours & thought Believe in what?
The thought that things aren't quite what I imagined. That things are hard and I often need a break. That I am often belittled by other peoples views of what my life should be and how I should handle things. That people expect and have come to demand things from me when I have nothing-absolutely nothing left to give.
I start back to work tomorrow. 7 weeks after giving birth to a baby I didn't plan on having, but a baby that I cannot imagine living without. This time it's really hard.
Am I to believe that this will get better? Eventually yes it will. I know that, eventually she will sleep all night, the kids won't fight so much, and this relationship thing will have worked itself out. But for now it sucks.
I've hit a brick wall.
I'm tired. I'm dreading tomorrow.
But I know that living a life where I stay at home isn't possible. That I'm a working single mom of 3 beautiful children who is struggling to figure out how to handle the stress of raising them and being in a relationship.
I feel like I'm constantly trying to figure out who I am and what I want and what I believe in this life.
I just thought that I would always be the person I was before. Then my life got shifted around, the love I thought would never leave me left, and left me with a world of responsibility unimaginable. I had to change at that point. I became a person who was struggling to survive but surviving.
Then love walked in again, but brought with it its own set of challenges and obstacles to overcome.
I'm tired.
I don't want to fight to overcome anymore obstacles. I don't want to fight anymore fights, even if in the long run its worth it, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of believing that something better will come through, I'm tired of being let down by my own hopes.
I'm going to go grab my kids, snuggle in and try to forget all this. I want things to be better, but believing right now that they will be is too hard.
