Thursday, August 16, 2012

What a day...

When I get overwhelmed with life or have to deal with a difficult situation I tend to break much easier than in the past.

I could blame it on my hormones, or I could just face the fact that I still hurt.

I haven't spoken to Richie this week, and don't really intend too, at least not right now.

This week has been rough, very busy at work, not sleeping good, trying to get kids ready for school which starts tomorrow, plus add in the fact that yesterday Kennedy told me she wishes she had a daddy again, and today our cat died.

Geez. A lot to take in.

The fact that Kennedy said those words cut me to the core and thank God for sunglasses because they somewhat hid the tears. My heart broke. Even after all this time she still hopes for her daddy back. I think that more often than not when daddies leave they focus their energies on making good memories with their children on their weekends and forego the actual parenting duty.

Adding in the loss of the cat has been hard on me too because she was the 1st animal that Tim and I had. So there was an emotional attachment to her.

Somedays are just too much, and this is one of them. I had a sweet friend ask how I was today, this was right after I found out about the cat, I told him and I'm sure he regretted asking.

As much as my children want a daddy, I want someone to take care of us. I don't want to have to be the one in charge all the time, I want someone to be the head of our household and love us so deeply that nothing could ever stand in his way.

Father, does that person exist?

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Figuring it all out...

I am bitter.

I have had this idea for the last few years that I was done wrong, that I was let down, that my life shouldn't have been this hard to live, that I shouldn't have to have made the choices that I have made for myself or my kids, and honestly as sad as it is to say my list could go on.

But last night I had a thought, after I had a breakdown, what if this is how my life was suppose to be.

Obviously it must be what God intended or I wouldn't be here trying to figure everything out.

I was reading today a devotional that spoke about how some Christians feel like God is the all powerful Genie and should solve all their problems. My first thought is "crazies", but then I realize that's me.

I am frustrated with the fact of being a single momma of 2.5 kids and trying to survive, but then I realize now that I need to accept God's provisions, both the good and the bad, and come to see that God has me in this situation to grow me, to prepare my (HIS) children for their own lives, and to further HIS Kingdom.

The things that I have been through and the problems I have faced and will continue to face are not being done to me but being done to further HIS Kingdom. HE has the plan, I do not and as overwhelmed as I get I know that I am blessed.

Knowing all this and slowly figuring it out doesn't change the fact that I will more often than not feel overwhelmed, scared, unloved and unlovable, alone, and vulnerable; but somehow someway God will make a provision for me.

Have a blessed Tuesday!

Monday, August 13, 2012

Monday Morning Clarity

I facebook, but I normally don't post anything. I think that sounds kind of odd since I blog, but nearly no one knows I do this and so it's okay.

If I was to place a post today it would stay:
Sometimes the thing you think is worth fighting for the most and the hardest, you soon discover is not worth fighting for at all.

It's reference would be this off again, off again relationship with Richie.

It's not at all what I need in my life and I believe it's time to close the door. I some what find it very odd to be doing this at this stage in my pregnancy; but I have to believe that if I already know that I was planning on shutting the door in October that I'm worth shutting it now and getting on with it.

He came over yesterday and decided he wanted to stay, I said "whatever". Knowing in my heart that isn't what I truly wanted. I didn't want that for many reasons: I don't sleep well, and he is awful if he is woke up in the middle of the night. I also didn't want to have to deal with the guilt that would follow the next morning. (Amazingly enough there is more relief this morning than guilt). Plus, there are little things he says that don't sit well with me and I know that I reached my breaking point with those comments a while back and that I wouldn't be taking any- and I didn't.

Anyway, he stayed, nothing happened other than the clarity that I needed to know I will not be tied to this situation any longer.

I also need to back up just a bit and tell you that I'm so nearly certain of this that the night before while talking to my mom on the phone she asked if Richie would be coming and staying with me when the time got closer and I just told her how I felt. I explained that "no he wouldn't because I didn't want him to get the impression he was moving in here because that wasn't happening." I told her that I believe that "if I wasn't good enough to marry someday then I'm not good enough to live with today". I think she was shocked with my honesty and agreed with me. I did tell her that I would call him when I went to the hospital, but that would be it.

I have such a frustrating sense about this situation, why doesn't he have anything more 1 year later than he did 1 year ago? Am I just an escape from his parents house? I'm worth more than being someone's Holiday Inn.

So Lord, I still believe that YOU are working in my life and this morning is proof of exactly that. Don't give up on me yet Lord! I'm still here, a little tarnished, but full of the desire of being what you want me to be to these 3 kids.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

The closing of this week...

This week has been filled with raw emotion, that kind that reaches down and makes you go “ugh”.

Lesson reminded…if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck then irregardless if it’s wearing a chicken costume its still a duck. No matter if its family, friend, or foe, a duck is a duck. And an ill-meaning person will not benefit you in any way.

I love my family, but just because a person is called family doesn’t mean that they are capable of loving you in return. Whether or not they have the “family” description in your address book doesn’t mean that they will not hurt you. And for some reason the hurt they cause cuts deeper.

I don’t know why we tend to think that our family won’t hurt us. But they just do, it’s always deeper and more painful. I want to believe that they know us better than anyone else and want us not to feel pain, but that isn’t the case, in some situations they take advantage of being able to cause that hurt and run with it.

This week someone did that to me. The hurt and the accusations that were hurled at me were too much, and I broke. And when I broke I went into immediate self protection mode, pulling my children close and blocking out the world until I felt safe again.

Once I felt a twing of safety I went into the next stage which was self-explanation or being on a defensive front. Why do I think that I need to defend myself against this person I will never know. Their opinion of me doesn’t matter in the least, it will not make or break my today or my tomorrow. But it is an automatic response that luckily I didn’t go into.

I know that God is saying to me, love your family, love your friends, but know “I” am the only one whose love is permanent.

I’m scared.

In my life there are those people who have been permanent and loved me unconditionally and there are those who have loved me conditionally. God has never loved me conditionally, HE has always loved me unconditionally. HE is my … everything. HE has provided for me financially, for me physically, for me a way when there was no way for me to make it, it is all because of HIM that I am here today, in a 3 bedroom/2 bath house sitting in a comfy bed typing this message while listening to an ipod, and typing on a laptop, eating chex mix, all the while a small little baby kicking and moving inside of me. HE has given me this opportunity. HE has given me this baby to love and to adore, to make me feel overwhelmed and scared and confused all for the purpose of knowing that HE is my only provider. HE and HE alone. Richie (or really even Prince Harry) could walk through that door and vow to take care of me forever, but there is always the possibility that they will walk away and leave me, but not God- HE promises!