Monday, August 13, 2012

Monday Morning Clarity

I facebook, but I normally don't post anything. I think that sounds kind of odd since I blog, but nearly no one knows I do this and so it's okay.

If I was to place a post today it would stay:
Sometimes the thing you think is worth fighting for the most and the hardest, you soon discover is not worth fighting for at all.

It's reference would be this off again, off again relationship with Richie.

It's not at all what I need in my life and I believe it's time to close the door. I some what find it very odd to be doing this at this stage in my pregnancy; but I have to believe that if I already know that I was planning on shutting the door in October that I'm worth shutting it now and getting on with it.

He came over yesterday and decided he wanted to stay, I said "whatever". Knowing in my heart that isn't what I truly wanted. I didn't want that for many reasons: I don't sleep well, and he is awful if he is woke up in the middle of the night. I also didn't want to have to deal with the guilt that would follow the next morning. (Amazingly enough there is more relief this morning than guilt). Plus, there are little things he says that don't sit well with me and I know that I reached my breaking point with those comments a while back and that I wouldn't be taking any- and I didn't.

Anyway, he stayed, nothing happened other than the clarity that I needed to know I will not be tied to this situation any longer.

I also need to back up just a bit and tell you that I'm so nearly certain of this that the night before while talking to my mom on the phone she asked if Richie would be coming and staying with me when the time got closer and I just told her how I felt. I explained that "no he wouldn't because I didn't want him to get the impression he was moving in here because that wasn't happening." I told her that I believe that "if I wasn't good enough to marry someday then I'm not good enough to live with today". I think she was shocked with my honesty and agreed with me. I did tell her that I would call him when I went to the hospital, but that would be it.

I have such a frustrating sense about this situation, why doesn't he have anything more 1 year later than he did 1 year ago? Am I just an escape from his parents house? I'm worth more than being someone's Holiday Inn.

So Lord, I still believe that YOU are working in my life and this morning is proof of exactly that. Don't give up on me yet Lord! I'm still here, a little tarnished, but full of the desire of being what you want me to be to these 3 kids.