Thursday, July 31, 2014

My prayer.

Lord, it's me again.

It's not 7 PM yet and I'm exhausted.

It was a great day off, but I'm tired.

Father God, I pray for myself and my children tonight, from the hairs on our heads to the soles of our feet.

Bless us Father God.

Remove from us those who do not wish us well.

Bless our paths with those who will encourage us and stand with us.

Father tonight when I lay down please don't leave my bedside.

I need YOU.

Much love, me.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Dear me.

Dear me,

Do you think that the things that are on your plate & challenge you today are surprising to God?

Do you think that HE is sitting there saying, "Come on, give the girl a break"?

Do you think HE is worried that all the weight will take you down?

HE knows, and HIS arms are crossed and the smirk is on HIS face and HE is smiling and pointing saying to those nearby…"watch this! She has no idea!".

Jeremiah 20:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

God is in control, it's ok.

Breathe today.

Take this moment as it comes, HE already knows where you are and what's going on.

Trust me when I say, HE didn't take HIS eye's off you for 1 second…

When you plead with HIM to not leave your bedside at night, you waste your breath, because HE was never planning on leaving.

God's with you right now even!

Your tears HE collects, and someone will answer for them. HE tells us that in Psalms 56:8.

Girl! You are going to be okay. You are HIS!!

Have a great Friday, it's okay.

Love me.

Thursday, July 24, 2014


Good Morning Lord.

I know that you are pressing into me the thought of loving those who hurt us.

I know this like I know my own name.

But I don't wanna! (I laugh because with 3 kids I hear them saying those words).

But I know I must.

I must because letting them go and letting YOU handle this, is the only way to survive this time.

There are things I want to disappear from my life to make my breathing easier, but they are there for a reason.

My fear and my hesitation is what if I'm not dealing with these things well in front of my children in order to prepare them for when things like this pop up in their life as adults.

Lord, sustain me, hold me, help me, guide me.

This journey doesn't come with a map or a guide.

Help me today muster my way through these hours and not make a mess of things.

To YOU be the glory when this day is done and I close my eyes to the quiet of the house.

Much love, me.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Only YOU.

Good Morning Lord, I know yesterday I broke again.

I couldn't help it, the stress was built up so big that I didn't know what else to do.

Crying isn't a sign of weakness I know.

I realized that the frustrations with the situations that laid against me are in the past, and only with YOU leading me we made it through EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE DAYS.

Not me, but YOU.

YOU took my hand and said let's go. I didn't want to. I wanted to quit, I wanted to sit down but YOU said, "no we must, I have something to show you"; and so we walked on.

Lord, somedays I look backwards, like yesterday & want to stop and remind YOU how much that hurt.

YOU always allow me to stop and look, but then YOU gently urge me forward.

I made it through yesterday because of YOU Lord.

Only YOU.

Much Love, me.

Friday, July 18, 2014

My eventful day!

I've spent today in a crazy hurried blur & my day isn't even over yet, no where close.

Last night it was 10:30 before I opened my front door to begin the night.

Today I knew I had 2 things to do today, get a bed being given to me & bring it home (45 min drive) & go to the play tonight.

So we left early, 8:30 early for Carbondale.
Drive was good.
Got there, no tools.
Neighbor had some…shew!
2 Girls strapping a twin size trundle bed in the back of my dads truck…grueling. But done.
5 min into the drive, we lost the mattress.
Get it reloaded, tailgate fell off.
Get it reattached.

(By this time…its by the Grace of God that we hadn't peed ourselves. Laughing insanely!)

Drive back on a 65 mph road, 40 mph.

Get home, lost a screw.
And my sweet friend Shelly, lost her keys.

So we get ready to head to Carbondale to get them from where she thought they were at.
Ian shuts his hand in the door & it looks like he broke a finger. (Wasn't broken…shew).

So at 3:40, 1 hour before call time, bed is here, short 1 screw, mattress been on the highway, 1 reattached tailgate, 1 jammed finger fresh from ER, and 1 really tired mom, & 1 best friend being taken by her dad to a dealer to get a new key made.

Lord, it is by YOUR Grace alone that we've not peed ourselves today! Thank you!!!!

Just had to share!

Much love me.

A great visit with a great lady...

Last night was the first night of the play.

It was AWESOME! As always! & SOLD OUT!!!!

How those kids go from a rotten dress rehearsal to the great production of the play is funny!

In fact Kennedy said last night, this is my favorite play!

I've yet to see the entire play. I spent much of the night tying up costumes, changing Kennedy & doing whatever needed to be done.

After the intermission I was able to talk to a sweet momma that I don't get to talk with much.

She is amazing, soft spoken, great family.

I was so blessed with her visit, thank you so much Lord for the time with her.

Much love, me.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Gonna Build Me A Wall

Good Morning God,

At one time I use to say what I learned from the past week.

It's only Thursday & I've learned a lot.

I'm also in the middle of my daughter's Shrek play & exhaustion has set in and tonight is the 1st performance.

I love all the songs & the kids are more than fantastic, they are amazingly talented.

But one song say's this is Val's Theme Song all over it!

Shrek sings it & it's call, "Gonna build a wall".

The me part is when he says:
Gonna build me a wall, a perfect place, to hide,
Hey world, stay on your side,
The best way to conquer, they say is to divide.

Gonna build me a wall,
Gonna be what they say,
Gonna hide in my heart,
Gonna build me a wall.

That's me.

I'm done with defending & trying to prove my heart and my mind and soul.
When in the jungle you can't make the lions understand what the arctic is like,
So to make the crazy people of this world try to understand me is the same.

I'll be okay, Just don't leave me.

Much love, me.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014


Yet again I faced another situation that took me to a low position.

I needed what happened yesterday.

Grace was extended a million times beyond what I expected to have received at the end of the day and am once again blessed.

This morning I woke to a splitting headache from the events 24 hours ago and still questioning "why", and this was my answer…


What? and again DENY YOURSELF.

I need to quit defending myself. Quit trying to make people understand who I am, quit trying to answer to their "this is how I see you" statements.

Quit saying, "but that isn't who I am Lord!", "YOU search my heart", "YOU know"…

HE does.

And so HE says, "DENY YOURSELF VAL".

Basically quit.

Then Jesus said to HIS disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and full me." Matthew 16:24.

Pick up your cross, and let's go Val.

Deny answering the craziness of all the things that lay against you. Pick up what's being given & let's go. There's a life out there that is full of promise and full of hope, and let's go.

Isn't that what my first blog was all about, here I am Lord send me? And now this one, Yes Lord I still believe?

After all the things that have made my cross heavier, I laid it down. After all I can't carry a sword and shield to protect myself and the cross too…so deny myself…pick up my cross…and let's go.

I gotta go…HE is waiting.

Thanks Lord, just don't leave me…I'm scared.

Much love, me.

Monday, July 14, 2014


Good morning Lord, I listened last night as YOU talked.

I understand my discontent in life. That on one scale, I'm comparing myself with someone who has a life full of new things and trips and getting things with money. On the other scale I compare myself with someone with statements like "but I do this and I do that…".

There's not much difference is there….

In both situations I'm discontent and I know that isn't a good thing.

Philippians 4:11
Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.

In order for me to begin to find my peace again, I have to be content where I am, no matter if I am in want.

I will figure this out. Eventually. I know you are probably shaking your head at me, but I am so thankful that YOU stick with me.

This is a crazy week for us here in this house. So I breathe deep and say, use me. I still believe.

Much love, Me.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Geeze Louise...

Geez Louise…

This post is a hard one to write.

The past few weeks have been more than I could have fathomed experiencing at one time. My kids had a health situation, Pool pump died, my dad received a threatening call from Sophie's grandparents demanding visitation or I would be taken to court, my pay was cut due to budget issues at work, I became very very sick with an infection that attacked my throat and mouth and prevented me from eating (I was sick for 11 days), during which the bank called and said there was an error on my flood insurance policy and I had been cancelled and needed to pay $500 asap, I was served a summons on the 4th of July stating I was being taken to court for grandparent visitation, had to hire an atty to file paperwork for the case $500, my car broke down $400 to fix, I locked my keys in my car & had to get a locksmith to unlock it.

My oh my Lord, the verse “Count it all joy when you meet trials of many kinds.” {James 1:2}
Rings so true for me right now, but Lord it's hard.

I wanna scream & act like Sophie & stomp my feet. I want to ask, "why", like my kids do when I tell them to do something….I've got a lot of growing up to do don't I?

I know you are here, I can feel your presence close tonight. It's like you are whispering "let it go", the same words my parents have been saying to me for the past few days. It's hard to just let it go, the yucky side of me wants revenge, wants eye for an eye kind of stuff. But that's not what YOU want us to do I know. YOU want me to love that other person, hold nothing against them, you want me in essence to "let it go".

I want to pray for them, don't get me wrong…I wanna pray that they'd come to their senses, but that is wrong too. I need to pray for the situation and that YOUR will be done. I just need you to say, close your eyes, and let me lead you.

I'm tired Lord, or am I depresses? The doctor says I have healing that still needs to happen and that I'm tired because of everything. I will be ok, won't I? I miss you Lord.

Hold me tonight, I'm scared.
Love, me.

Saturday, July 5, 2014


In 1 week I have: been to the doctor 3 times, ER 1 time, not ate a meal other than stale cheerios & pudding, dealt with a bank/home insurance issue, and been served with paperwork from Sophie's grandparents who are seeking visitation with her.

I'm emotionally gone, my body is exhausted from the weight of the stress that these 7 days have given me. I have nothing left to give.

The fact that I blink and breathe is a miracle of God.

I begged God to remove me from this situation and yet I face the rising sun today.

I begged God to grant me the answer as to "why", and yet I hear the spinning of the ceiling fans.

I don't know why I have had such a time lately, I hope that it's because HE loves me & is holding me close.

YOU are all I have Lord.

Bless me please.