Friday, October 18, 2013

What if...

Last night we had the "what if this isn't about me" talk. The one where you hope that they understand that our purpose is about the greater good of the Kingdom, the one where you hope that their belief is strong enough to understand and their faith is big enough to wrap their arms around it.

And it was.

He said you know, my dad said the same thing tonight at dinner and "what if it is".

Lord, Your Word tells us in Romans 8:28 that All things work together for the good of those who love God & are called according to HIS purpose.

So Lord, I call upon YOU to work and know that we are here believing, expecting, waiting, and calling on YOUR testimony to those who do not know YOU.

This "steve" doesn't believe. Show him the truth, the way, the life through YOU. Answer his questions with Tony or his dad. Let their hearts lead them in the way they should address his questions.


Thursday, October 17, 2013

Expecting the Amazing

My day began late as I expected and 7 AM came very very fast once I shut my eyes.
This is the side effect of a baby being on steroids.

But momma was exhausted & when Sophie did sleep I had to hold her so the few hours I did get were sitting up holding a 1 year old. There aren't words to explain how tired I am, I think I'm beyond the tired and running on adreneline right now.

Emotionally I'm a wreck too, you see someone I care about so very deeply is hurting and I can't do anything about it. Nothing. Nothing but pray and leave it in God's hands.  Which sounds so easy, but really it's so hard to put my hands up and say "it's your's Lord".

I'm a fixer, God created me to be a fixer, and HE doesn't make mistakes. Sooooo what do I do about this urge to fix this? To get on a plane, fly out there & hold his hand. I wait (and I'm suppose to do it patiently but that's another virtue that I've not mastered either), and I wait, and I wait. I hope and I hope and I hope. I believe and I believe and I believe. And last but not least I do it all with expectancy! Expecting God to bless him and save him from the evilness of others.

I'm here expecting, believing, waiting & hoping.


Wednesday, October 16, 2013

It's 2 AM & I must be crazy!

It's 2 AM here in my world. And in my world is a 1 yr old who is wired for sound, me who is heartbroken over lost hope, 2 kids asleep in my bed, and 1 very old dog asleep on the couch.

I don't know how I got here, whatever train it was I hope it has derailed so that no one else takes this ride. I also don't know how to get off this train.

"Oh God's got great plans for you, HE is pruning you" my friend 1says. Well what you call pruning, I call punishing. I can't imagine that I've ever been so down I said to myself a short bit ago, so I looked back. And what to my teary eyes should appear but a journal from this time several years ago. Yes I have, and each time I was heartbroken, heavy laden, and survived. This time I'm sure I will survive too. But honestly right now sleep would be helpful, just not seeing it in my immediate future.

I come home to a very very very messy house, that set me on my ears, then when I switched my phone tonight the switch didn't happen all at once & some of my text messages went to my old phone. This made an issue with someone I care about greatly. And now there is no response from them on their end.

When you love someone who is going through their own set of trials & tribulations & you want so desperately to take that pain away from them it's proof that you love.

Having this proof that I do love, is proof that I have overcome those times in the past when I thought I couldn't take 1 more step or handle 1 more thing in my life. It was each of those times that I thank God I sat down & wrote it out. HE knew that I would be sitting here 1 Wednesday morning bright and early like 2 AM early & need to know, that it will be okay.

That I will be able to continue through this. That this world will not overtake me, that sleep will come at some point, the dishes will get done at some point, my heart will heal at some point, and my breaths will continue and most importantly these tears will stop at some point.

My heart is heavy because I am a fixer, but being an earthy "fixer" is taking things into my own hands and taking them out of God's. I have spent much time in prayer & petition for this person I've come to love and his situation, I have called upon the Lord, I have sent Satan running, and yet it doesn't seem to help anything. Aren't I suppose to be able to say, "this is my testimony, this is what God can do, this is an example of how HE can heal, this is HIS power at work." And maybe I will very soon, be able to say those things and more. But today, this morning at 2 AM, I don't feel it. Is it possible to believe it & not feel it?

I mean I believe in the ability for gigantic boats to float in the waters, but can't feel them. I believe that planes can fly but can't touch one right now. So I do believe it's possible to believe & not feel it.

This momma's tired. Help me. Sweet Jesus. Help me!

Love, me.

PS- feels good to be back.