Hi. I'm Val.
I'm a work in progress.
I make mistakes.
Somedays, a lot of them.
Today is one of those days.
I have a job. It's really challenging.
I have a broken heart.
I have been divorced for 7 years.
I single parent 3 kids.
They are beautiful.
They are as different as can be.
I love them so much, they save me from myself more than they know.
I love God so much. I want to make God smile at me.
But days like this I feel as far from HIM as a person could possibly be.
I don't drink.
I don't take drugs
I battle anxiety.
I battle depression.
I battle but I have to go on, I don't have a choice.
I don't understand a lot.
But I have hope.
I've turned off my facebook today.
I can't look at people with their smiles and happy families.
My ex is awful.
He called me a fat cow.
He called me a bitter bitch.
He called me miserable.
I'm not those things.
But they hurt.
Really hurt.
Told me I need to take a Xanax and get a life.
I'm over this life.
I am a daughter of a woman who battles depression.
I'm numb to this day right now.
My 6 yo is trying to talk to me right now.
She is having issues with her coloring page.
My mind just wants to crawl inside a hole.
She knows something is wrong.
I love her too much to tell her why I'm crying.
I just keep answering her when she tells me she loves me.
I don't want to answer her, I want to just give up right now.
You know, my ex left us 7 years ago.
He walked away leaving me with this life.
I've made it by the grace of God alone.
Am I bitter?
Maybe.
This wasn't the life I had in mind.
But its the life I got.
I've made it though.
No I don't have a husband.
No I don't have extra money.
But my bills are paid.
What is the measurement of being happy?
How do I know when I'm not bitter?
Will finding love erase all that?
Will love help?
I don't think love will solve my problems.
I don't live in fairytale land.
I live in reality-ville.
I yell a lot.
Does that make me a bad person?
I hope not.
I'm not perfect.
Tonight.
I'm.
Just.
Trying.
To.
Survive.
Myself.
