Some days are long. I cannot believe the sun is up. UGH.
Seriously. I was just up hours ago with the devil in my ears.
"You are failing, you aren't enough for that guy, you are too chubby, your kids have things, your house is mess and chaotic and unorganized and well this life you are living is a mess."
Ugh. So not fair, when I'm suppose to be resting I'm battling my mind and it leaves me even more exhausted.
I don't really believe I'm completely failing but I am a work in progress kind of mess.
I don't believe that garbage that I hear and I battle back which leaves me tired when I wake up.
But I do have a beautiful life, it's just messy. I mean so I don't cook 3 meals a day, and there is clutter, and the number of kids is often higher than what is legal for a daycare, but the kids are safe, clothed, have access to food and clean. So fuck off devil.
And as far as that guy, his loss. I'm a catch. I'm independent and not a gold digger, I'm a good mom, I'm a loyal person and if that's not what he wants fuck him too.
Whatever God's got going on, I'm on board to kick this devil's ass and show these jack-off's. Let's do this!
Much love, me!
See ya! Coffee is done!
Monday, January 9, 2017
I have to find me again…I somehow forget her and lose her when someone new comes in the picture. Like the best part of me is lost trying to create a “me” that someone else will like because…well the real me is flawed. I feel I need to keep her hidden, but the odd thing is when I realize she is gone, I want her back so badly….
Wow even typing that is hard to follow.
The Sara Evans song, “A Little Bit Stronger” is my go to heart broke song. It’s a journey through grieving put to music. I’m at the part where the words say
“And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.”
That’s me! I’m done. I’m done thinking that maybe he will miss me enough to say “hi, I’ve missed you terribly”. It won’t come and that’s ok.
I had a friend I went on a date with text me the other night about my opinion on a girl we both mutually knew. I asked him the next day after they had met up how it went, he said he thought good, he would know more if she contacted him again.
I asked him “does rejection bother you?” His reply was so spot on true…”not anymore to me. If someone doesn’t want to be a part of my life then I’m ok. I have been through too much cheating and heartbreaks and I would certainly rather not go through it again.”
My reply…”I need tougher skin!”
Later that night my friend Jen, who is amazing, said “Val I kept settling just so I wouldn’t be bored or alone. I’d say I was ok with being alone but down deep I knew I wasn’t being truthful.”
We as women, and as men, have to know our worth. We have to know that the person in the mirror, with their flaws, is priceless and valuable. Period. No changes needed.
I love it that my friends can come over and I don’t feel like I need to stuff crap in closets and hide things to make it look like I don’t have a crazy insane life.
I have 3 children.
I single parent.
I work full-time.
My house is going to look lived in, because it is!
The men who have came into my life recently have been very judgmental (who isn’t right!)! But what I need to realize is that their judgments show how short sighted they are and not how accepting of my life they can be.
I think I’m very observant and try to be very sensitive to things and peoples emotions, but some in this world simply ARE NOT.
I hope to have better discernment in allowing people in my life, and the lives of my children, that treat us better. That are encouragers and positive influences to us. Who love the Lord as much or more than I do.
I have so much hope for myself in the midst of my brokenness. I prayed yesterday for resurrection and I know that it is a process and I’m knee deep in the muck and mire. It will be ok, maybe not this exact minute, but it will eventually.
Posted by Val at 10:57 AM