Hi. I'm Val.

Hi. I'm Val.

I'm a work in progress.

I make mistakes.

Somedays, a lot of them.

Today is one of those days.

I have a job. It's really challenging.

I have a broken heart.

I have been divorced for 7 years.

I single parent 3 kids.

They are beautiful.

They are as different as can be.

I love them so much, they save me from myself more than they know.

I love God so much. I want to make God smile at me.

But days like this I feel as far from HIM as a person could possibly be.

I don't drink.

I don't take drugs

I battle anxiety.

I battle depression.

I battle but I have to go on, I don't have a choice.

I don't understand a lot.

But I have hope.

I've turned off my facebook today.

I can't look at people with their smiles and happy families.

My ex is awful.

He called me a fat cow.

He called me a bitter bitch.

He called me miserable.

I'm not those things.

But they hurt.

Really hurt.

Told me I need to take a Xanax and get a life.

I'm over this life.

I am a daughter of a woman who battles depression.

I'm numb to this day right now.

My 6 yo is trying to talk to me right now.

She is having issues with her coloring page.

My mind just wants to crawl inside a hole.

She knows something is wrong.

I love her too much to tell her why I'm crying.

I just keep answering her when she tells me she loves me.

I don't want to answer her, I want to just give up right now.

You know, my ex left us 7 years ago.

He walked away leaving me with this life.

I've made it by the grace of God alone.

Am I bitter?

Maybe.

This wasn't the life I had in mind.

But its the life I got.

I've made it though.

No I don't have a husband.

No I don't have extra money.

But my bills are paid.

What is the measurement of being happy?

How do I know when I'm not bitter?

Will finding love erase all that?

Will love help?

I don't think love will solve my problems.

I don't live in fairytale land.

I live in reality-ville.

I yell a lot.

Does that make me a bad person?

I hope not.

I'm not perfect.

Tonight.

I'm.

Just.

Trying.

To.

Survive.

Myself.

Mini Vaca 2018

I had this crazy thought.

I thought maybe I would take a vacation that would make all of my little family happy.

I rented a cabin on a lake near a water park that is FAN-tastic!

Got the idea to make my kids happy I should let them have a friend to come with.

So the day came, we took off.

Got there, me with my 5 kids in tow.

I was doing it.

Then a vertigo panic attack happened and hell entered my world quickly.

Here I was in the most beautiful place that I felt I so desperately needed, 5 beautiful kids and I was in a mental hell. It all became real. I could not do this alone. I couldn't. My independent nature couldn't pull me through.

I had to rely on God for every thought, for every breath, for every single thing.

I realized that I could not do this. I could not make these kids happy. I couldn't.

God did.

God pulled me through and led me back home.

Now let me tell you that in 2nd Corinthians 12 Paul reminded me, yes he reminded me!!!, that when I am weak God is strong. God is glorified when I ____ (had my panic attack and was driving a car) (couldn't decide what to do) (got lost coming home and drove 80 miles out of the way)(when I cam home and the dogs hadn't been let out) (when I realized the dog ate a couch cushion) and the list goes on and on.... God YOU get the glory!!!

God YOU brought us home from a beautiful place! YOU gave us memories that make us laugh and good stories to tell.

YOU!!!

Thank YOU Lord for this time we had together, no matter what!!! No matter what!!!!

I'm so in love with YOU Lord because YOUR saving Grace saves me again and again and again!!!

Much love, Me.

Favorite Days

These are my favorite days.

Rainy. Saturday. With no particular place to be!

Is it so wrong that I was excited that T-Ball practice was cancelled???

Thanking God for for this day!!!

Want to read, and drink coffee, and relax!

Will it happen? I will let you know!

So in love with Calum Scott and Leona Lewis's song...

The everything about that song makes me smile.

Give a listen and breathe.

Today I meet with the Senator regarding a feeding program in our little town and I know that God is preparing me for something really big. Like God sized.

I know HE won't ever give me more than I can handle but this is well outside of my comfort zone!

Give me wisdom, knowledge, help and wisdom for this!!! Let me be YOUR vessel!

Much love, Me.

I don't feel good.

I don't feel good and when I don't I get extremely emotional.

My kids and I were suppose to go overnight to a resort hotel. Relaxing right? I had to cancel, I'm sick.

Why am I left to do this life alone. It's too much and I just can't right now. I'm falling apart and sinking and need a lifeline.  Just too much for one person.

Love, me.

Easter 2018, 5 hours and counting...

The Risen Savior has risen!

And so has Sophia... She woke and within seconds of finding out that the beloved Easter Bunny didn't bring her a Fingerling a breakdown occurred! First of many to come within the next few hours. The older 2 were at their dads for his "visitation" weekend, so only 1 to disappoint at this point in my day.

Then get to church to see the Easter Cantata, which my son was in, and Sophia is upset again because she didn't get to go to Children's Church. Get out of there and then onto Gma's, which she gets upset there because there is no one to play with. Come home and explain to her that part of her gift is we are going to stay at a hotel with a swimming pool and she will get to swim, then breakdown #4 occurs because we are only going for one day.

At this point in my day I'm pissed at everything! Birds, sky, freaking rain (its been raining long enough to look for the ark), and I'm so mad at Mother Nature I'm not shutting my windows! They are open, its freaking cold but damn it I'm done with this crap.

The expectations of this and every other holiday suck! They are too freaking much. There was no dying eggs this year, no hunting plastic filled eggs, nothing. I'm over this crap and I hate that for my kids, but I'm done.

Right now I'm sitting in my bathroom with the door locked trying to find some kind of string of hope to hang onto right now.

So I'm taking them out of town tomorrow, and all I can think is WHY!!!! WHY!!!! Why did I think this was a good idea?

Let's add into the mix the fact I'm newly into a relationship and am feeling like I've been ghosted. I always overthink things and overreact and live expecting heartache from people. And I think why! Why do I expect that!!! I need to get my head back into the game of accept me or reject me, I'm still me and I will still stand. All those sleep overs I didn't get invited too when I was a kid, all the dances I wasn't asked to, all the group things I was never asked to go on... I survived them. I will survive this too. Choose me, don't. It is what it is.

As I type I hear my kids screaming bloody murder in the other room, and honestly I simply wasn't to roll a towel under my head and go to sleep.

No this wasn't a perfect holiday for me, it was a square on a calendar that said the word EASTER on it. I will soon mark this day off with my X and I will go on. 5 hours and counting and this one is in the books.

Love, Me.

Even If...

Breathe in and breath out.... shouldn't be so hard now should it?

Add anxiety in and its a physical exercise, a mind producing exercise that I have to control.

I've listened and read articles that say anxiety is of the devil, that it's a byproduct of wanting to control everything. I believe it.

I want things to go so so, I don't want things to go so so and when they are switched up, I'm a wreck and everyone around me is suddenly demoted to 2nd class and the me and my control issues want to walk in and take over.

Last night I listened to a sermon on Jonah. Chapter 3 and 4. God said Go and Jonah went and when he got there he did what God said to do. Things were good with those who Jonah witnessed too, but because Jonah had this self conceived notion that he didn't like the folks he had witnessed too he was ticked off at God. Said he would just rather die than have to see those people blessed.

Is this me? Am I stomping around like a spoiled Jonah saying "uh not again".... "why me"... seriously as I'm typing this my 5 yo is stomping bc she is upset because she is having to pick off the little candies off the brownie I got her saying "why me"...

The concerns of Jonah were misguided...he didn't care about the people of Ninevah he cared about his  desires.

Is this me today? Am I not caring that I have 2 of 3 kiddos, we are good, my house (minus my room) is CLEANED!!!, at the present time it's not raining, and things are good. Am I overlooking my blessings because I'm instead looking for or expecting a curse?

YES!!! I will clearly answer that question myself. YES!!!

I had such an awesome time last night and am so afraid of rejection. Even if rejection was sent by God for my blessing....

Even if...

Love me.

Nerves

Nerves are bad tonight. Kind of feeling like my insides are vibrating to the sound of nonsense. Too much noise in my life at times leads me to feeling like this.

I tend to want to shut down the outside world and just breathe.

The only sounds I want and I need to hear are the breaths going in and out.

I watched a special on 60 Minutes about the Saudi Prince. Very interesting.

I like news shows that give exposure to other cultures. However every second of the program I had a 5 year old wanting to talk, sing, dance, and be absolutely annoying as ever. I just wanted 15 minutes. I didn't get it. Instead I sent her to her room and we are on a break from each other.

Single parenting sucks.

I just wanted to watch that news show.

I can tell I'm stressed because my ears are hurting. I need to relax, and I will, but I'm sure there will be the battle of bedtime before it happens.

I use to wonder why God woke me up nearly overnight at 2 AM... I think he was saying "soak up the quiet my daughter, it won't be quiet like this for much longer".


Much love,

Me.

Today and always...

Last night my dad called me, I know why he called. He called because he knows I will listen and I care. His best friend and his cousin, John is dying of cancer.

John has been a stable and constant part of my life. He knows and has seen my hurts and damage done by my mom and my sister. He promised me to take care of things with them if something every happened with my dad. He was suppose to be my protector. But most of all he was my validation that things were as I thought they were.

Now he is dying.

I've lost a lot of people in the last year. Cancer is awful. I hate it.

This one is rough to go through.

My dad cried last night. That was hard to hear. I'm glad he feels comfortable enough to come to me, but it doesn't make the situation any easier.

I want so badly to craw up in the lap of God and rest from this life. But until I'm able to do it I will put my shoes on and conquer this day, minute by minute, situation by situation.

God is my glory. Today. And always.

Much love, me.

I'm back!

I'm back in business!!! Woo Hoo!!! My journey has been long coming and the lessons along the way were really enlightening, but I'm here now and ready to get back at it.

School year is busy and non stop, but that's to be expected with 3 kiddos!

So it's Friday night in my world and my jammies are on by 5 PM. Dinner will be picked up and bedtime will be early.

I desperately want to go shopping, ALONE, but since that's not in the cards I will window shop online. Plus we all have the cold crap so we will most likely be snuggled up all weekend. Minus a play tomorrow, no big plans for us.

I can't seem to wrap my head around the vacation this year that I need to desperately plan, but it is so overwhelming that I just haven't yet.

Well just dropped in to say hello and to say watch because I'm back!!!!

Much love, Me.