Monday, May 6, 2013

May 6, 2013

Good Morning Lord,

It's a Monday & I'm up, so I'm blessed. But honestly, 5 AM came early.

I went to visit Rich yesterday, it was a good visit. He's ready to get out & I'm ready for him too. I'm hopeful and I know he is too. Lord, Your Will be done. That is my prayer. I can't wait for him to see Sophie. I feel she has changed so much in the last month. I do love Rich. But I'm not going to return to the life I had before. He has a lot to take control of and until he does I'm not jumping in full throttle. I don't want to date anyone to be honest, I don't have time.

In my last post, I spoke to You about the desire to know that I'm liked. On last Friday night, I had someone come up to me at a ballgame and start flirting with me. He was really cute, very nice, a new Christian, and a single dad. All I can say is Thanks! Thanks! Thanks!

I texted Tim last night and asked him if he would want to do the every other weekend visitation with the kids, he said "YES!". I've been thinking about it a lot recently. I need the help desperately. I hate it, but it doesn't change much as far as the number of times he will get them, maybe 1 or 2 more times a year. So Lord, I hope I did right.

Grandma seems to be getting weaker. Please Lord, don't let her suffer.

Thanks so much for loving me and choosing me. In YOUR name,

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

A note to my Lord.

Dear Lord, I'm here again. My tears have stopped for now and I was wanting to talk.

Why is a question I have a lot.

I'm struggling again. I don't know what sets this off. It's like a avalanche of emotions from time to time.

The overwhelming feelings of doing it all, being their all, and having the responsibility of it all. It's the "all" that is too much. Plus it's the constant stress from my mom that is killing me.

I will never be who she wants me to be. I'm okay with that. I am not perfect, but I don't want to be like her either. I like the me that is loving and kind to my dads family. But do I have to endure the sarcastic remarks because I am kind to them? That makes things much harder for me. I find myself hiding my kindness to them or not sharing what I would like to about things that involve them with her, and sometimes she's my only adult conversation after work.

I'm trying to teach my children responsibility, but I'm also so tired of harping and yelling. It's not working. I don't know how to do it.

I'm frustrated because the one person I considered my close friend isn't being very friendly anymore. She seems to only call when she needs something. She knows I've been struggling lately with everything and hasn't once called to check on me.

The dog. O' Lord, that dog. I love Hannah, but the constant nails on the floor and her barking, etc is just frustrating especially when I'm trying to get or keep Sophie asleep.

Also Lord, the stress from Rich is huge. I don't want to return to the life I had before his last escapade, but sometimes I get so lonely and need conversation and a reminder that here on earth someone likes me. Sounds so childish I know. But we all like to know we are liked.

Please help me today. Amen.