Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Need Sleep, but have HIM

When I have these fully exhausted days I’m numb nearly, very raw emotions, and a tolerance level of nil.

Sophie was up from 1:30 AM on, and when she did fall asleep, after the sun was up, she had a nightmare that there was a crab in her hair. It’s been a long night, day whatever it is.

Add in a tweenager who is bound and determined to make me feel guilty over her not seeing a movie today. Never mind the constant you have to help around the house fight that occurs every single day when I get home and see her dragging out of her bedroom just getting up.

I’m beyond. I feel like white fire. A hot mess. A don’t mess with me mess. Like I should don a superhero costume and end the B.S. in the world around me with 1 fail swoop. But I have not the energy today to swoop anyone or anywhere, so the B.S. in the world around me is safe.

I wonder what God’s intention was for me today. Not just in my life, or on this journey but TODAY.  Whatever it is, I’m thankful for it. I will battle this day, not on my own strength but with HIS.

This life is not do-able right now, so HE will make my steps, decisions, calm my anxiety, and push away my lingering depression…it’s all HIM. All HIM.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

the world today...

My phone dings at me when a news alert comes across. It’s been that way for a while, I’ve had this urging of feeling like I need to know since 9-11.

When I look back I see alerts regarding Tokyo, Munic, Paris, Florida, Nice and the list goes on I think what has happened to our security.  This insecurity is choking the life out of me and all this is hard to handle. But I pray over each of those situations and I have to go on.

I wonder if all this isn’t really new, that this destruction and hatred has always been and that in this world of technology we just happen to know about it in a split second at our fingertips.

My children are often oblivious of the chaos of the world. We don’t watch the news and we don’t receive a paper, our TV stays on cartoons.

All I think as I type these words are “where could I go, oh where could I go, seeking a refuge for my soul”. You are our answer and in YOUR clefts we hide. In YOUR words promising peace and wisdom we cling.

So Lord, as we look and all seems to fall apart, we cling ever so close to YOU.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

It's been a while since I've posted on here.

My mind and life is so busy I often find myself thought-less at the end of my days.

The school year is in the final curve and the end is in sight, but we still have 3 days after today to muddle our way through. 3 more mornings of getting 2 grumps up out of the beds and into CLEAN clothes and with CLEAN socks and matching shoes.

Even once out the door the ride is seldom without adventure...I guess that is what I would call it. It's always amazing how its the short ride to school that brings things back to their memories. "I need $10 today", "I forgot my reading book", "I forgot to bring home the permission slip you HAVE TO sign for today", the endlessness of it all is daunting.

My "Hollywood" son and I took an adventure Monday on a Nature field trip with his class. I'm the most un-nature loving person around. I see a bug I want it dead. The nature-loving hippie that led us through the first half of the morning was not quiet that way. He would replace the crawling bug to a leaf where it could finish living out its life. Me...I nearly broke a canoe paddle killing a spider.

Yes canoe. I along with my more than eager son got in a canoe. Eventful is a good adjective. I'm sure the nature-loving hippie only rowed 1/2 mile to the destination, I'm sure if we measured our route it was somewhere close to 2 miles. FYI canoe guides its wise to let the unskilled know the big person goes in the back. After feeling like I had ripped my arm muscles fr
om the bone we rested on the shore line to listen to the nature loving hippie speak...then he was more than excited when he noticed a snake.

I was not and quickly backed away from the shore line and headed to the beach area where we started only to have another snake cross my path. Had the snake came any closer I and Jesus would have shared the ability to walk on water. But after making a spectacle of myself and beating the oar I was not in any danger.

My eager-to-canoe son at the beginning was not so eager at the end and suggested that we should get a motor for our canoe...which we laughed about once we caught our breaths.

The second part of the day was a hike.

How bad could that be? DEAR GOD IT'S ME VAL AND I DON'T HIKE.

There were a lot of poison ivy and hills. Lots. This tour was led by 2 girls, who encouraged us all to wipe our feet off before entering the hike...I was confused.

But at the end of the adventure, my toes felt like they were bleeding, my child and my cousins child were begging for a drink, and all I could think of is "is that a snake? is that a snake? did that just move? Relaxed? no.

We ended our adventure with a trip for ice cream.

The day hadn't started out well, my cat had a stroke and was at the vet and things went from bad to worse for her.

Then I had 2 meetings to go to, it was a long enduring day.

We made it through and have learned that we are not nature people and that a canoe, no matter how cool they are on a car will ever be owned by us. Sorry canoe makers.

Much love, me.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Day 1 of 5 of Spring Break 2016

I think that I have said "I can't" so much people don't take me serious about it anymore.

But tonight I can't give another second.

The constant is too much. Spring break week is off with a bang and with little bucks so home we are.

Today 7 kids were in and out of my house, running, playing, eating, drinking, and having a grand ole time. There comes a time when you say I quit, and mean it. Messes will get cleaned up eventually and as long as no one is bleeding or in danger of dying all is well.

I can't tonight.

I can't take anything else on. Please don't let any catastrophe happen because my reaction to it will be nil. I just can't.

I can't figure this life out on a regular day, little lone a day when I've had 7 kids here. I don't even think that is legal for a day care...but yet I did it. If you could see my dog right now you would see she too is saying "I can't".

I can't tonight.

And when I can't I want to lash out at those who have left me to "have too", who have left me to navigate these waters that are not friendly, who have left me to paste on this "hey I'm fine" look on my face. However I subconsciously imagine my fake smile looks much like the Joker's in batman. (NOTE TO SELF: That could be why I get all those crazy glances back)

I think that this being day 1 of 5 of the 2016 Spring Break and having 7 kids in my home and hearing "Let It Go" for the millionth time today and having to threaten every one of the 7 kids with the "don't bounce the basketball in my house" rule, and having to make my 3 come in and sit down and give them the "if we don't find this remote control no one plays for the rest of the day and everyone else goes home" rant because internally I was loosing it at that moment...probably is a sign tomorrow needs to be calmer and lower in numbers.

But the clock is reading 7:25 PM and a little red head is yelling at me on the other side of the door begging for me to let her in, so I must end this rant.

I'm tired Lord, so tired. Thank you for no loss of blood today! For letting everyone get home safely and for there not being a mutiny.

Good Night and Much Love

Tuesday, February 23, 2016


I sit here and breathe in and out.

My mind has 1000 questions and I only want to ask God.

I only want to know what HE says.

But I believe I know what the answer is and instead of making my life easier and jumping for makes me sad.

I mean I asked God to restore my joy this year, and these decisions won't do that I know. But I feel HIM saying, "in the long run they will".

Here's the thing, in my life it seems there is so much that I do that is to survive the short term. Does that make sense? When you are fighting the fight for survival, you focus on the daily, minute by minute plan for survival. You rarely see the "in the long run", but I guess that is where my faith will be strengthened.

I see Lord, but please understand that my heart still hurts.

I am reminded of the verse,
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in Him.' The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul that seeks Him." Lam 3:22-25

The Lord never ceases to amaze me. I think somedays I'm so scared that I need to lay at HIS feet and rest.


Much love, me.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

My friends journey

Today I seen a Facebook post from a friend who was obviously experiencing heart ache.

I sent her a private message and come to find out her husband has asked for divorce.

Talking with her was like having flashbacks of doubt, insecurities, and the fear of unknowing how I would do this life.

Lord if I walked this journey, this rocky journey, to help her today then Lord may it lead her to seek You and your saving Grace then it's worth it.

I told her that the fact she said she has to go on and live for her kids makes her brave. Her reply was, "I don't feel very brave". I explained the brave never see their own bravery.

This post is choppy and very unrefined, I am just heartbroken for my friend and others who have been through this valley of dark times. Marriage often comes with this disillusionment of forever and happy 100% of the time. We invest all of ourselves and often become one when referred to, i.e. Brajelina (Brad and Angelina). Then years later when the facade fades we are left to find ourselves again. The not knowing how to do this or how the effects will be handled by the kids, is all overwhelming.

But as I told my friend, survive today. Don't think about tomorrow. Just know that tomorrow is coming and if I could sit and hold your hand until you seen that glorious sunrise I would. She will do great and rock this new life. I just have that faith in her, I also have that faith in my glorious God!

Much love me.

Saturday, February 13, 2016


To the momma's out there thinking how much you hate Valentine's Day...I understand.

To the momma's tired....I understand.

To the ones w a stack of bills they don't want to open...I understand.

To the ones not answering calls...I understand.

To the ones left to clean up the mess...I understand.

The ones who wonder if all the back breaking to try to keep the kids lives the same so they didn't have to do with out because of your idiot ex husbands ways...I understand.

To the ones who thought you had it again, only to remember...I understand.

To the ones so full of hope...I understand.

Much love. Me.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

tough love

I often think of leaving this one horse town...actually I think of it a lot.

Sometimes I feel tethered here because of the kids. The help I get from my parents is huge and for now it out weighs the peace of leaving.

The lure is the thought of quiet and lots of coffee lol.  However the quiet is something I sure will eventually come. Tonight 2 of my 3 are with friends and so its Sophie and I again.

This morning I was asked to pray for a young man who has had a less than smooth journey. He lost both of his parents when he was young. Has dealt w anger issues from it and now has taken to drinking heavily. My heart hurts because I know his is hurting but I have no sympathy for addicts. He was at the doctor today because he was throwing up so much and his body wouldn't stop. When I asked his aunt do you think he is ready to stop she said I don't know. I asked if he would be willing to talk to a man very much like his uncle who has also walked a horrible journey as an addict that nearly  cost him everything, her reply was no. I said then he isn't done. He doesn't want to hear what this guy has to say because he isn't ready.

The "if his parents hadn't died then maybe"...that isn't realistic. The blaming the drinking on the past doesn't set well either. Responsibility sucks. Getting up and doing a day you really don't want too, sucks. Paying bills, suck.

But this is life. It's not for wimps.

Much love, tough

Monday, February 8, 2016

Realizing the Noise

God you are so good, even when things don't go Val's way. you still shine through.

This weekend was crazy, but all are. My house still looks like a bomb went off, and truthfully it has and it has and is named Sophia. Very busy little girl.

We did miss church yesterday, literally laid down for a second and woke up wondering what time it was. It wasn't an easy day for Sophia because she came to understand that Super Bowl takes control of the t.v. and she was without cartoons for hours. She did survive much to her disbelief.

Kennedy and Ian returned from their dads house, and my family was once again whole. I will never understand why that man has to be in our lives, but for the time he is, God and I will talk someday.

Today I read in Matthew and am always humbled and saddened when Jesus is in the Garden and sweating drops of blood. His pleading to have the cup removed, 3 times he pleaded. As a parent I can't imagine the agony of having your child plead for help and know what the next few hours would hold for him. The humbling comes at at the fact that God let HIS child endure pure hell and humiliation for me.

I always get sickened at the fact that people spit on Him. What in the world! To me spit is despicable. Degrading. It's mor than I can imagine. the physical was so horrendous that he died from it, but the spit, the names, the accusations, and the jokes, those don't kill, they just mutilate you enough to wish you were dead. Then the betrayal of Judas for 30 coins...what a joke...what a joke. Hours before he had his feet washed and celebrated the Lord's Supper and then betrayed him.

Lord, I cannot fathom it all. The next few chapters get incredibly worse and it rips at me to read them. I need this reminder though, this world needs this reminder.

When I read these passages it honestly puts dealing with an idiot ex in a less than needing to be discussed place. There are far greater things than wondering why this idiot has a place in my contact realm. So i breathe in and let it go! It will be fine, irregardless it is what it is...noise.

Have a blessed Monday!
Much love, Me.

Saturday, February 6, 2016


Today the sun is out and it's hard to believe this is February instead of April. We are blessed. Last night Sophie was still awake at midnight, so I'm feeling the equivalent of a person who partied all night. I'm wiped out today, but this is my catch up get ready for the weekly race day. I trudge on slower but onward.

I'm still battling nightmares and I can't seem to break free from them, these too keep me from relaxing.

I'm not feeling any great words of wisdom today...but I thank You Lord for my little redhead spit fire who goes 100 mph and has me up waaayyyy past my bedtime, who sings me crazy songs, and keeps me on my toes!

Ugh...till I have more insight and sleep...

Much love me

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

1 Shoe!

Wow it's Wednesday, only Wednesday! This is a busy week at home for us.

Cheer has started this week with traveling games and juggling it all is difficult. Traveled last night to our game in McCleansboro...with my daughter and 6 other kids. I was serenaded all the way there! ALL THE WAY! And I have learned a new dance move called the pop-it?? I did find it funny that one of the songs they all new was the song Scrubs by TLC!! I knew word for word!!!

Finally got to the gym and seen the girls scurrying around and looked like little was my daughter only had 1 shoe...UGH! Dear God! 1 shoe!!!

Games were not in the Win column for us, but a great time was had and I'm needing a nap today.

How do you not have 2 shoes???? Still baffled!

Blessings all!!

Much love, me

Friday, January 29, 2016


Want to know how to get me mad??? Belittle me. Make the work and the struggle seem not important. Tell me that I create these situations up. Do that and I will be steaming hot mad.

So mad that I start to question everything and I quickly draw a line in the sand and build my walls a little taller and a little thicker.

Do that and let those who are around me not support me, and it hurts deeper and my walls get thicker and even taller.

Do that and I stand at the throne and say "but God..."

Nothing rocks me further to the core than that, and it destroys a lot. It erases the ground I have made on coming out of this tomb I've built thinking I was saving myself.

I'm tired of not having the strength to battle these battles without tears.



Over this.



Thursday, January 28, 2016

A little love goes a long way

Sooo. Today I feel as though someone poured concrete in my head. Ugh...the agony of it all...I know there are a lot worse things than a head cold.

Today in the midst of getting us out the door and in the wonder of making it out the door, and not having to go back for anyone I forgot, not anything anyone forgot, I made sure to give thanks for our heat!!! Minuscule I know but when you go without you understand the blessing!! I thank HIM for my dishwasher and my laundry appliances on a lot of days as well.

I also realized in the rush of things that the slightest acknowledgement of any kind of positive reinforcement can be a great thing. It's important in these days of hard times that we notice something positive and tell another person those things in hopes that it will uplift them.

A little love goes a long way...

Much love, me.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016


Yes busy momma, I know. You are tired. Me too.

Last night was an up and down all night with my 3 year old so I understand. Today's been a long day here and focusing hasn't been a strong point for me today. The coffee didn't last and lunch was very yummy but made me want to curl into a cocoon even more.

The thought of even fixing food for dinner is not something I can even comprehend, I want to scream really I have to feed little people tonight???

Within the last week we have had a snowstorm that took us out of school for 3 days, the emerging of friends through my door has seemed to be non stop. The food supply is nil, and the drinks are now down to water from the faucet, and I seem to keep finding clothing that is not belonging to my family. No kidding one day I found shoes! Who went home without shoes!!!! And speaking of clothing, my daughters seem to multiply like rabbits. Honestly. 

So I feel your pain when you discover a valentine's box has to be made, and your son wants a school bus box...ok...thank God for Pinterest...and your daughter says they have a pirate dance coming up (WHAT!!!???)

I can hardly envision those things with this grey haze of needing to sleep and knowing it will be hours til it happens. But motherhood isn't for the faint of heart, nor does it take heed to the sleepy. We must trudge onward and reach the goal of full bellies, with clean clothes, and matching shoes.

So busy momma, I know. It will be ok at some point it will be ok...I look at being ok like it is a destination...if you get there before I do send me a smoke signal of some kind to let me know I'm close please & I will gladly do the same for you!!!

Much Love, me.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Having a bad day doesn't really mean you have a bad life...

Today I still keep waiting for that call…that attitude…the condemnation.

My friend once went to a therapist and was asked how have you been, my friend replied “good, but I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop”. The therapist replied, “why? It’s ok to have a good day, and it’s ok that sometimes bad things happen.” Having a bad day, doesn’t mean you have a bad life right?!!!!

So yes the call may come and the attitude, and the condemnation, and a ton of other yuck…but God directs me and holds me up when I can no longer stand.

Last night was bad.

I told my friend I wanted to run away, he asked if he could come too. I said no. I truly mean it too. Nothing against him, but my fantasy of running away to a quiet place where I snuggle with books and hot coffee and music I can sing as loud as I want too, is my heaven. It’s where I am at peace. I can’t take anyone there. This has upset him and he no longer is speaking to me. Sorry no amount of guilt will wreck my peaceful retreat.

In my breaking a part last night I tried to explain why I was so hurt, I got the I will always stand beside you…blah blah blah…yes I was in that mood and quickly shot back…yeah heard that before…yeah I know…but when you are in the fire and feeling the flames the last thing you want to hear is “next time I will….”. Let’s make sure there isn’t a next time!! That seems to be more my answer.

Being an independent momma for 5 years is really really hard to believe and fall into the chitter chatter of someone who doesn’t understand the full concept of responsibility.

To someone who has not had to lean on the shoulder of God or be carried through the moments that seem to last forever there simply is no understanding. Walk that walk, look beside you and see no one around EXCEPT for God and you will soon realize who you can count on. Cry at night, see who is there. God is it and I have had to lean into HIM to simply take steps, I have had to ask HIM to blink, move my lungs, make my heart beat because I have been simply without anything in me to do that. When I’m there, in the depths of despair, HE answered the call every time.

Every single time.

Much Love, Me.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

CPR from God

Feel the preserving encircling of Christ around you and start praying and praising and thanking and worshipping. Stand in the rising, twisting storm — and let Him gently wring an unforgettable worship from our hearts.

These words came from Ann Voskamp blog Holy Experience

The wring that it is referring to is the tears we shed. Sometimes the ones we just simply cannot stop. That was the case this weekend. When I went to bed on Saturday evening I thought something just isn’t sounding right with the furnace. But gave it to God to deal with and tried to sleep. At 12:30 AM still sounded terrible. At 3 AM I woke to a room of smoke and quickly called my parents, and carried Sophie out the door. The furnace quit. A fire inside burnt wires up, a motor ruined and something called a blower box. Around $700.

Later that same day I lost power at part of my house and found a power strip overheating and throwing sparks and smoking. The emotions of having to figure out all this lowered me to my face.
I couldn’t function, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t…and God knew it.

HE took over, HE caused me to survive a very difficult week. I praise God from this side of those days that HE gave me the strength of my dad and the help of him as well.

When I think of the things that could have happened I’m sick inside again and my thoughts seem to stop and God comes in touches me and I breathe again.

God is giving me CPR (Constantly Providing Relief) quite frequently now. The nudge, a sign, a thought, anything that keeps me saying “ah it’s YOU”.

That’s where I am at. Leaning on the everlasting arms…repeating, rejoicing with the verse from “Victory In Jesus”, especially the lines of “And then I cried, "Dear Jesus,
Come and heal my broken spirit,"
And somehow Jesus came and brought
To me the victory.”

All God’s doing not any of my own. I’m blessed, I struggle, I cry, I wonder, and I may question, but. I. Am. Blessed.

Much love, Me.