Thursday, December 13, 2012

Been Here-Done This Before

These last few days have been really hard on me emotionally.

But the thing about this time in my life is...I've been here before.

I've lived this time before, the heartache, the pain, the madness, the why's, the "this isn't suppose to be my life". Yep, all of them and more.

The only difference this time is I have someone still saying "I love you" to me.

Not sure that will carry them back into my life or not. Today at this second, it won't.

I went to the Carter's to leave Sophie last night so that his mom can watch her today and it the drive was hard to say the least. It was the knowing that when I get there that he wouldn't be there like so many times before.

When I did get there I sat up the pack n'play and we laid Soph down & her smiles would melt an iceberg! They were amazing! Better than any sunset, better than anything in the world! I needed those smiles right then & there to know, I'm okay.

The night before I had been praying that just like when God sent the Angel to Mary to prepare her for her adventure that He would send one to me to let me know It was going to be okay.

I cried & cried feeling so abandoned. Then Soph started to cry too. Kennedy picked her up & was bringing her to me in the kitchen. I heard "OH NO" and when I turned around Sophie had spit up all inside Kennedy's shirt, we both stood there and laughed so hard & Soph smiled. It was the icebreaker I needed to know "Smile, lighten up, I got this, now go enjoy my children the dishes can wait". So I did.

Kennedy, Sophie & Ian are perfect and I am blessed. Heartbroken at times still, but so blessed.


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Cherished, Child of God

I heard from him yesterday.

I don't understand things, but knowing he was okay made me feel better.

He has to get help, its not an option. This is something bigger than him, and if he doesn't get help
it can destroy more than him alone.

He can survive this.

I can survive this, I know because God told me.

When I was out shopping last weekend I bought myself something. A set of 3 bracelets. They are a reminder to me that I am "Cherished" & "Child of God", Deut. 7:6. The other two are just colorful.

How crazy it is that I feel I have to be reminded of that. But whatever it takes!

Have a good day.


Monday, December 10, 2012

Struggling to survive


I’m fighting back tears already & it’s only 8:20 AM.

Richie left this past Thursday, I heard from him last night only 2 short messages. 
I left several. 

No explanation. 

No offer of apology. 


My heart is broken.

My tears are hot & want to flow down my face. 

But I remain strong & I try to remain confident and faithful.  

Faithful that God will save me. 

But I don’t know how that will happen right now. 

Then again I’m not suppose to know that.

I clicked on my phone messages & an old message came up, it was from him back in November and it told me that he loved me. UGH! I didn’t need that today. Not now.

Help me to keep it together Lord. Help me to remain strong & to get through this. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this, please show me the steps to take.

Love, Me.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

My heart hurts.

I went shopping last night, alone.

It was hard.

I mustered through it, and hope that I am close to being done. Hope. I have a focus-ing issue and am finding it hard to concentrate.

I really don't have much of the Holiday Spirit in me, my heart hurts too much right now.

The kids & I went to church. Richie's family was there & their hearts hurt too. I think that we all fought off the tears and just got through it. But when Kennedy asked his mom if she knew where he was we all about broke.

I went to Walmart today & ran into the guy who Richie left with, if looks could kill this guy grave would be a fresh one.

My friend Ryan called to check on me & if he had called yet or not. I nearly had an anxiety attack just talking about it. I must admit though that I sent him a text tonight reminding him that tomorrow is Sophie has a dr apt tomorrow. I was shocked when he sent me a "Ok" text.

My heart just really hurt so badly.

Then my cousin Austin, his girlfriend and my cousin Macie came by, Austin hugged me & it helped so much. He doesn't know, but I needed that so badly.

Thanks Lord for sending me Austin.


The End.

Richie- I knew our good-bye was coming soon. What I didn't know was that it would come because you had a choice to make & wouldn't choose to change for us.

Your anger was too much. That was what I thought was the problem.

I've since discovered that was the only the result of you drinking again.

I've never dealt with this before.

All I can tell you is that the pain and anger I have felt in these last few days are the same from when I was left before.

I can't go back there.

I'm done.


Jesus- You promised that I wouldn't be left alone. Please don't leave me. I need you.


Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Still accepting change

I began the “chrismtas-ing” of my house on Sunday. I emptied boxes, carried stuff in, set stuff out, turned on lights, cleaned and finally got everything but the tree up. Our house looked homey and very festive even without the tree. The kids came home from a visit with their dad and were so excited!

So last night I began the battle with the tree. It is a hand me down from my mom, and it’s a big one. My living room is very narrow so I really don’t have the room for this tree, but since money is non-existent it will have to do.

I knew from the get go I wasn’t pleased with it, but also knew I didn’t have a choice. So when I drug it out of the box and began to put it together my heart sank. It didn’t look like I wanted it to look. There was no clean smell, only a dusty odor, the branches still needed to be fluffed and the fact that it was leaning didn’t help matters. I sat down in my rocker and began to cry. 

My pity party started out with why do I have to get the hand me downs, it then went to all the comments from my sister about their money stash and their new tree they just went and bought, and how much I don’t have in comparasion. Richie came out to try to help and I bit his head off and he left me alone. Ian came out to read to me a story from his school book and I had no other choice but to sit and listen.

I knew/know that I am blessed beyond belief, so why do I allow myself to be pulled down by the weight of comparing myself to others? My kids don’t see a tree that leans or even the idea of it being a hand me down, they see Christmas. They see a time of excitement and wonder, they don’t care about the “non-perfect” tree or the fact that money is tight.

My poor attitude with the tree only made matters much much worse with Richie and an argument began. I sat in tears, he sat in anger, and Kennedy looked at me and quietly said “I love you mom” and I cried some more.

As a single mom the holidays are rough. It’s a reminder that my family isn’t the “family” it use to be. I know it’s better now with Ms. Sophie but I lived for 20 years with this idea of how my “family” was going to be and for the past 3 years its been different. I just can’t seem to program my thinking into this new idea of how it is.

I wouldn’t go backwards for anything in the world. But reprograming our minds and our hearts to be accepting of a new way of life is difficult at best. God says in Habakkuk 3:17-19 that though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Soverign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights.

My salvation this day, this month, this season of finding myself still accepting change is my Lord. HE is the one who will save me from the pit, will rescue me from my guilt, will remind me that I’m not to be compared to others, and help me remember that I am loved no matter how bad of a day I’ve had. HE is my rescuer. I find myself today wanting to lay my head in HIS lap and let HIM remind me that it will be ok, that this is a joyful season, that all my problems don’t matter at all and that HE is in control.

I will be okay, I know it, my hurts will go away, and (hopefully soon) my hormones will be in check, but for now I will cry when I need to and shout praises to HIM even through my tears.


Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Choices to make

I’m here on day 3 of returning to work.

My head swims with everything that I have going on around me.

The piles of work are separated, but thick with things that need to be concentrated on. But I have no concentration.

I have 1 thing on my mind, I want to go home.

I want to put my comfy clothes on and get Sophie & snuggle on the couch.

I want to watch Kennedy & Ian play the Wii & laugh.

I want to laugh.

I want to forget the world.

I want to just be with my kids.

I never imagined being in a relationship after my divorce. I had hope, but could never imagine it. I am not sure why, but never did.

I need this weekend to just escape from life.

I want to cry right now. I’m sure some of it is exhaustion, being overwhelmed, the fact that this relationship thing is unimaginably hard, and because I know I have decisions to make.

Lord, my faith is in YOU. My choice is loving YOU. Please Father, help me with these choices that I have in front of me. Make my path known.


Sunday, November 25, 2012


This is a small sign I have in my home. It was originally bought for a Christmas decoration, but has come to mean many other things to me.

Tonight it is here on my mantle and I looked at it after a bumpy few hours & thought Believe in what?

The thought that things aren't quite what I imagined. That things are hard and I often need a break. That I am often belittled by other peoples views of what my life should be and how I should handle things. That people expect and have come to demand things from me when I have nothing-absolutely nothing left to give.

I start back to work tomorrow. 7 weeks after giving birth to a baby I didn't plan on having, but a baby that I cannot imagine living without. This time it's really hard.

Am I to believe that this will get better? Eventually yes it will. I know that, eventually she will sleep all night, the kids won't fight so much, and this relationship thing will have worked itself out. But for now it sucks.

I've hit a brick wall.

I'm tired. I'm dreading tomorrow.

But I know that living a life where I stay at home isn't possible. That I'm a working single mom of 3 beautiful children who is struggling to figure out how to handle the stress of raising them and being in a relationship.

I feel like I'm constantly trying to figure out who I am and what I want and what I believe in this life.

I just thought that I would always be the person I was before. Then my life got shifted around, the love I thought would never leave me left, and left me with a world of responsibility unimaginable. I had to change at that point. I became a person who was struggling to survive but surviving.

Then love walked in again, but brought with it its own set of challenges and obstacles to overcome.

I'm tired.

I don't want to fight to overcome anymore obstacles. I don't want to fight anymore fights, even if in the long run its worth it, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of believing that something better will come through, I'm tired of being let down by my own hopes.

I'm going to go grab my kids, snuggle in and try to forget all this. I want things to be better, but believing right now that they will be is too hard.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Clarity? Think again.

I actually thought that maybe a good dose of a weekend might bring clarity and peace to this unsettled feeling I have.

But its only 7 AM on Saturday morning and I know as strongly now as I did before that this is it.

Last night wasn't any better. There was no disrespect like the other night but his attitude was hateful.

I can't deal with it, I need a break and I need it soon.

Today is a crazy busy day but at some point the conversation will make its way out.

I've been praying: God present me an opportunity to speak to this man, to not be harsh or unloving, but respectful (even when I don't receive it in return), help me to use ONLY the words provided by YOU. Help me to be strong and to not waiver, and Lord please clothe me with the armor of YOU so that the devil will not penetrate any part of my body, mind or soul.


Friday, November 9, 2012

My Journey

When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted. (Psalm 138:3)

I survived that night. Woke up the next morning (or at least hours later) to the overflowing of "I'm sorry's" and "I love you's", not surprised. Its a wonder what a few hours of sleep with cause a person to reconsider. But is it enough? No is my answer, at least not right now.

My heart is still so heavy. 

I'm not ready to forgive, not willing to say "I understand that you were just tired". 

I'm not ready to give him an excuse for being disrespectful.

It seems that all too often I give people the "it's okay" for their bad actions or words. 

You see I'm exhausted too, a newborn has that effect on people.

Ms. Sophie had her 1 mo. check up yesterday & she now weighs 7 lbs 9 oz! We took in a little shopping too. 

I seen a family friend & she ooh & ahh'd, then said "you look great, but very tired". Great. This was of course after our waitress asked me "what is this baby to you?" meaning is she your grandchild? How old do I freaking look??? 

So remorse about him not getting any sleep, don't have any!

Where will this relationship go? I don't know. I don't have to make any decisions right now.

All I know is that God is my refuge, HE is my strength, HE will guide me through this.

And the journey begins....

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Finding Strength Again

I've prayed about my relationship with Richie for months and months now.

I've prayed God please remove him from my life if it is not meant to be.

I wanted my heart to not to break.

I didn't think I could go through another heart break again. I didn't want to.

I figured that maybe since we had been living together for nearly a month now that things were better.
That we had overcome whatever obstacle was preventing us from making it in this relationship thing.

As anyone who has had a newborn before knows sleep is a valuable commodity. Very valuable.

And as anyone knows lack of sleep is not pretty. But lack of sleep is not an excuse. Period.


Tonight a line was crossed and I realized afterwards when I was trying to figure out what had happened I realized my heart broke.

The thing I didn't want to happen, happened.

I was/am basically back in a bad situation.

Remember all those thoughts about our lives together, our future, all gone.

All I can think of now is that I want to put my kids in the car and drive away. I can't and won't because I need sleep and so do they.

I want to wrap my family up in a tight ball and forget the world.

I have a friend who is dealing with some hard times and she was really upset with some choices she had made and told me that she wasn't strong enough to deal with her situation. I told her that she was, she just didn't know it now. But tomorrow when she woke up and realized she had made it through the night she would be amazed and thank God. That strength isn't something you are born with, but rather something you develop.

I know from the past that I will survive this, I don't have a choice. But there are things that are in my life that I do have a choice and this is when I will have to find my strength again.

Pray & wish me luck.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Looking for God's Fingerprints

It happened again, it happens about once a day.

The "what in the world- I didn't know" conversation.

I explain the "I know it was a surprise to me, but everything is great" part and smile.

My smile isn't real, its full of hurt, and I never know exactly how to end that conversation.

She is here with me, wrapped in a fuzzy pin blanket snuggled up all adorable and perfect! I couldn't ask for anything more! God has completed my life with hers.

Why do people think that they should be informed on every aspect of our lives. Guessing because facebook makes it possible to tell everyone everything, but its not necessary.

No one needs to know what you are doing today, what you are having for supper, or even if you are pregnant or not (especially if you don't want them to know).  I wasn't embarrassed about being pregnant, but condemned by guilt. I had to deal with my own guilt and accept God's forgiveness and then my own forgiveness.

I also didn't feel that those people who didn't care about me and my life on a daily basis didn't need an outlet to give me input on my life and situation. I didn't need to know what "they" thought, I needed to be quite and listen to what God was saying.

My life is confusing, hard, emotional, and a mess on any given day at any given time and a lot of times I don't call and confess to my girlfriends because I'm hoping to hear God's voice. I want and need to hear HIM! I need HIS direction! I need his fingerprints on my life again! But then again I look beside me and this sweet bundle is absolutely covered with HIS prints!

Monday, October 29, 2012

Beautiful feet!

 "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!" Romans 10:15

I look at Ms. Sophie & think you are not mine. You are HIS! You are God's gift to me for a specific amount of time, to raise and to love.

I look at her big little feet and think those feet will see and go places I could not even dream of, they will walk the path that is chosen by HIM, they will enlarge a Kingdom that one day we will all meet in, they will be blessed and be granted favor by HIM.

I'm blessed to have this little bright eye'd at 3 AM little girl.

So these days of being tired at 9 AM, load and loads of laundry & dishes, and constant messiness will all pass. One day my house will be quiet and I will be without these blessings I call my mess makers and I won't know what to do. This for right now is my calling, I may spend a good portion of my day being an Administrative Assistant but my real job is being a momma.

Thank you so much for blessing me today with this little bundle of joy (who was really bright eyed at 3 AM today), for the little guy who is so excited to be carrying his Luden's cough drops to school today, and for my big little girl who is acting much beyond her 8.5 yrs old. How could I have ever imagined their impact on my life!

Love, Me!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Psalm 23

Psalm 23
A psalm of David.
1The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.
4Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,a
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

I have recited this verse more times than I can imagine these last few days. I have had a horrible round with a terrible migrane and nausea and have just been released from the hospital.

I don't know what brought all this on, I'm sure that the fact that I've had little sleep and not been eatting well hasn't helped but the stress of a new baby was something I had totally forgotten. Totally.

I rested all last night , and have had a lot of fluids ran through me these last few days. Ms. Sophie stayed with her grandparents and my other 2 kids stayed with my mom so that she could get them ready for school today.

I'm so thankful for my family and all the help that they have given me these last few days.

I felt so many times that I was walking through the shadow of death, but it was the next part that gave me solace.

But without sounding to holy-er than thou, there was still fear (and to some point still is that the pain/nausea will return). But I recognize that I am human even though I am a Child of God. HIS chosen Child.

Praise God that HE takes me when I need him the most desperately and keeps me close, that he guides my hands and my feet, that HE protects me as I walk through these days.

I am a blessed Child.

Monday, October 15, 2012


I find myself here in my home, where currently its so quiet.

Ms. Sophie is sleeping and all is well.

God is good. He has blessed me far beyond my imagination.

Even the song "I can only imagine" is something that I could not behold.

She is 1 week old today, and she is perfect.

Nothing else matters.

I had this selfish thought process of "after she's born I'm gonna..." those things don't matter.

Nothing does.

Getting my kids home, shutting my door, and knowing we are all here safe is all that matters.

I'm a blessed momma!

Thank you Lord for NEVER acknowledging my plans for my life and for not letting my desires come before YOUR perfect will for my life!


Thursday, October 11, 2012

She's here!!!

Good morning & when I say morning I mean 2:14 AM morning.

Ssshhhheeee'ssss heeeerrrreee!

Monday came & at the end of the day I have a baby girl!!!!!!

She is perfect! Heaven sent!

Labor & delivery was ugh! Yuck & all that other stuff. But filled with the knowledge that I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be.

On my knees at the feet of God praising Him and accepting His Grace and His Mercy.

I also know that I'm still very hormonal, very emotional and very blessed.

I hope to hit the sack soon so know that whatever you are enduring today God knows.

And ALL things come together for the good of those who love HIM!

Nite (I hope!)


Thursday, October 4, 2012


Somedays are hard and really rough.

These have been 2 of the roughest so far.

Lord, I need you like never before!


Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Ashes for Beauty and My Journey

Isaiah 61:3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Today I had my final doctor appointment before my Sweet Lil’ Sophie Sunshine will be born. It is with such anxiousness that I wait for her! Mainly because I want my body back & to love all over hers! The questions and the anticipation is killer!

I spent some time yesterday looking back over my journal of these past few months and much of it was so very hard to read. My heart has hurt so desperately and it was amazing to see the transformation of myself through these past few months. A couple of weeks ago my co-workers threw me a baby shower and they wanted to take my picture. I asked them not too because I didn’t want to be reminded of this journey. The truth is that it has been so hard that I want to erase my steps and just find myself at the top of the mountain.

I know that is not God’s plan for me during this time. I know that through my journey of these past 9 months that I have a testimony and a blessing that will be bestowed on me and God’s Kingdom through my children. And it will be my work to tell how I survived it ONLY by HIS Grace!

Today I spoke with my sweet friend Tonya who God brought us back together and mended our friendship through my journey. She walked this path 1 year before me and her testimony even before this time is amazing but to have had her to hold my hand is simply God’s design for my survival of this journey.

We talked about God’s use of us and turning our ashes into beauty. More specifically beauty in the way of beautiful baby girls. That made me look up the verse and I was so amazed at the rest of the verse. “The oil of gladness instead of mourning”. I spent so much time in mourning. Mourning what I thought my life would be like and how different it would now be. I kept saying “this isn’t how my life was suppose to go”, but in all actuality it was exactly how it was suppose to go. I have to keep telling myself, I gave myself to God and said “here I am send me”, knowing full well that HE would use me in whatever manner HE needed to in order to make HIS Kingdom grow.

The next part of that verse is a “garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair”. I wish I could say that I praised Him every step of the way. I want to believe that as much as God knows the groaning of my heart when I cannot speak that HE also knows that my heart is thankful even when it is heavy.

It was this last part that made me sigh and smile; “They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.”
A Oak has deep roots, firmly planted and made to stand strong against the wind. That is so what I need, God to firmly plant me so that I stand strong in HIM, and why? “For the display of his splendor”, this life, this journey, this baby, my 2 already born children, my walk, my everything is about HIM. Am I perfect no. Am I a disgrace at times? Do I deserve His Grace? No. But am I blessed because of it? A million times yes!

Thank you Lord for taking me down this path these past few months. For blessing me and my children, both the born and the unborn, and for holding my hand and pulling me along when I didn’t want to go. Thank you for your guidance and your love and mercy! As I walk these final days of this pregnancy that wasn’t part of my plan, I am so glad you chose me and Lord I’m still here, use me.