Isaiah 61:3 and provide for those who
grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil
of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of
despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for
the display of his splendor.
Today I had my final doctor
appointment before my Sweet Lil’ Sophie Sunshine will be born. It is with such
anxiousness that I wait for her! Mainly because I want my body back & to
love all over hers! The questions and the anticipation is killer!
I spent some time yesterday looking
back over my journal of these past few months and much of it was so very hard
to read. My heart has hurt so desperately and it was amazing to see the
transformation of myself through these past few months. A couple of weeks ago
my co-workers threw me a baby shower and they wanted to take my picture. I
asked them not too because I didn’t want to be reminded of this journey. The
truth is that it has been so hard that I want to erase my steps and just find
myself at the top of the mountain.
I know that is not God’s plan for me
during this time. I know that through my journey of these past 9 months that I
have a testimony and a blessing that will be bestowed on me and God’s Kingdom through
my children. And it will be my work to tell how I survived it ONLY by HIS
Grace!
Today I spoke with my sweet friend
Tonya who God brought us back together and mended our friendship through my
journey. She walked this path 1 year before me and her testimony even before
this time is amazing but to have had her to hold my hand is simply God’s design
for my survival of this journey.
We talked about God’s use of us and
turning our ashes into beauty. More specifically beauty in the way of beautiful
baby girls. That made me look up the verse and I was so amazed at the rest of
the verse. “The oil of gladness instead of mourning”. I spent so much time in
mourning. Mourning what I thought my life would be like and how different it
would now be. I kept saying “this isn’t how my life was suppose to go”, but in
all actuality it was exactly how it was suppose to go. I have to keep telling
myself, I gave myself to God and said “here I am send me”, knowing full well
that HE would use me in whatever manner HE needed to in order to make HIS
Kingdom grow.
The next part of that verse is a
“garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair”. I wish I could say that I
praised Him every step of the way. I want to believe that as much as God knows
the groaning of my heart when I cannot speak that HE also knows that my heart
is thankful even when it is heavy.
It was this last part that made me
sigh and smile; “They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the
LORD for the display of his splendor.”
A Oak has deep roots, firmly planted
and made to stand strong against the wind. That is so what I need, God to
firmly plant me so that I stand strong in HIM, and why? “For the display of his
splendor”, this life, this journey, this baby, my 2 already born children, my
walk, my everything is about HIM. Am I perfect no. Am I a disgrace at times? Do
I deserve His Grace? No. But am I blessed because of it? A million times yes!
Thank you Lord for taking me down this
path these past few months. For blessing me and my children, both the born and
the unborn, and for holding my hand and pulling me along when I didn’t want to
go. Thank you for your guidance and your love and mercy! As I walk these final
days of this pregnancy that wasn’t part of my plan, I am so glad you chose me
and Lord I’m still here, use me.
