Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Ashes for Beauty and My Journey

Isaiah 61:3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Today I had my final doctor appointment before my Sweet Lil’ Sophie Sunshine will be born. It is with such anxiousness that I wait for her! Mainly because I want my body back & to love all over hers! The questions and the anticipation is killer!

I spent some time yesterday looking back over my journal of these past few months and much of it was so very hard to read. My heart has hurt so desperately and it was amazing to see the transformation of myself through these past few months. A couple of weeks ago my co-workers threw me a baby shower and they wanted to take my picture. I asked them not too because I didn’t want to be reminded of this journey. The truth is that it has been so hard that I want to erase my steps and just find myself at the top of the mountain.

I know that is not God’s plan for me during this time. I know that through my journey of these past 9 months that I have a testimony and a blessing that will be bestowed on me and God’s Kingdom through my children. And it will be my work to tell how I survived it ONLY by HIS Grace!

Today I spoke with my sweet friend Tonya who God brought us back together and mended our friendship through my journey. She walked this path 1 year before me and her testimony even before this time is amazing but to have had her to hold my hand is simply God’s design for my survival of this journey.

We talked about God’s use of us and turning our ashes into beauty. More specifically beauty in the way of beautiful baby girls. That made me look up the verse and I was so amazed at the rest of the verse. “The oil of gladness instead of mourning”. I spent so much time in mourning. Mourning what I thought my life would be like and how different it would now be. I kept saying “this isn’t how my life was suppose to go”, but in all actuality it was exactly how it was suppose to go. I have to keep telling myself, I gave myself to God and said “here I am send me”, knowing full well that HE would use me in whatever manner HE needed to in order to make HIS Kingdom grow.

The next part of that verse is a “garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair”. I wish I could say that I praised Him every step of the way. I want to believe that as much as God knows the groaning of my heart when I cannot speak that HE also knows that my heart is thankful even when it is heavy.

It was this last part that made me sigh and smile; “They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.”
A Oak has deep roots, firmly planted and made to stand strong against the wind. That is so what I need, God to firmly plant me so that I stand strong in HIM, and why? “For the display of his splendor”, this life, this journey, this baby, my 2 already born children, my walk, my everything is about HIM. Am I perfect no. Am I a disgrace at times? Do I deserve His Grace? No. But am I blessed because of it? A million times yes!

Thank you Lord for taking me down this path these past few months. For blessing me and my children, both the born and the unborn, and for holding my hand and pulling me along when I didn’t want to go. Thank you for your guidance and your love and mercy! As I walk these final days of this pregnancy that wasn’t part of my plan, I am so glad you chose me and Lord I’m still here, use me.