Thursday, September 27, 2012

Reminder to myself

I'm a planner by fault.

I like my pencil and my calendar and I like to know where & how the whole sha-bang will work out.

I don't like things out of order and I believe everything has a place and a home in life.

I like things to work like a system.

In fact I use that word a lot.

I'm not really spontaneous, and not really a surprise person.

So at this point in my life the 'not knowing' how, when, or any specifics of my today/tomorrow and how all this will work out is maddening.

All I know is God has got this.

The battle has been fought for me and won and HE is in control.

HE told me, and tells me daily, that he has already paid for my ransom with HIS Blood and that I am HIS child.

He truly does have the world in His hand, and my life too, and values us both the same!

Satan likes to play mind games and use the fact that I am a planner against me. He will often say, add up the numbers, there's no way, but God always says "remember I got this one too".

God has yet to fail me.

For nearly a year now Richie has been in my life. And I have often times during this year found myself up at for whatever reason at 2 AM (mainly because of Sophie) worrying/wondering about things with him.

Shouldn't I have peace by now?

Shouldn't there?

I'm tired of the wondering, the questions, the I don't really get it's?

I'm tired of feeling bitter Lord.

I'm tired of saying "responsibility shouldn't just fall to me".

I'm tired of letting these people in my life and it falling apart again, or is it maybe not the being "tired" but the fact that I know this isn't healthy?

The kids don't need to see another man walk away from them. Do I think that Richie will? No not really, but the problem isn't that he would walk away, but rather fail to be a responsible person and me have to remove him from their lives.

I can't fight anymore Lord. I can't.

I'm tired. I must focus on my priority. The ones that has been given to me.

Those with those brown eyes that stare back at me with wonder and excitement about getting to text on their own phone and the fact that the tooth fairy is coming tonight!

Those 2 people and this little one who within 12 days will be in my arms!

That is my world.

Last night I receive an online chat from one of the 3 people in my life I have truly loved. Even though it was 20 years ago, seeing his face pop up on chat made me smile. He was truly my best friend, and always will be in my heart.

I lost him during my marriage and relationship with Tim and hearing his voice and seeing his picture makes me smile even now.

He has a beautiful family and is happy, so please don't misread my words.

But I explained my last 8 1/2 months to him and I cried the entire time I typed the words. I don't know why but I did.

Telling him was the last of the people I dreaded telling. I don't like the word "dreaded" but the hurt and the guilt are still something I'm dealing with.

He of course was very encouraging and very supportive, as I knew he would be.

I guess the hard part is knowing that there are people around me that are encouraging and supportive to me, no matter if I feel alone or not.

Sometimes I need someone. A lot of times I need someone, not to help with the trash, or dishes or discipline the kids, but just to say "I love you", or "you got this", or "your a great mom don't worry".

Because in our maddening world of demands, and questions, and worries, and doubts, and fear, we all need to remember that the battle has been fought, the price has been paid and God wins.

So quit fighting, quit worrying, and remember God's got this!