Saturday, April 27, 2013


Time for honesty.

1. I've talked with Richie.

He is still getting help for his problem. But yes we've spoken.

I want to be an encourager to him, I want him to know that I support his good choices. I want him to know I'm praying for him, and for Sophie too because more than anything else she deserves a sober daddy.

Within 2 weeks he will be home & beginning life, hopefully, anew. Infused with God. Every. Single. Pore.

The praying is my job, the believing is my job, the rest is his job.

2. My days are chaotic and hurried, and busy, and I don't like it. There just doesn't seem to be any peace. It's like the constant of something...always.

The dog who is very very very old is huffing and puffing, and walking around with the sound of her feet on the floor. Sophie is crying. The kids fighting. A spill is made. Supper is late. I'm tired. Laundry is piling up. There is chicken in the fridge that needs to be cooked up. Grandma's clothes are needing to be cleaned and returned to the nursing home. Grandma is calling reminding me to pick up her mail. Dad has forgotten something and needs an errand ran. Mom won't watch the kids for me to run the errand and so I have to take all 3 kids. Softball practice doesn't start til 6:30 PM and last until 8 PM, it's too cold to get Sophie out of the car so we sit in the car at the field. All are hungry, including Sophie and it's just hard.

That was 1 day. That was yesterday.

My friend tries to call, and I don't answer because honestly speaking, it's hard to change a diaper, talk on the phone and remind Ian to not get in the road.

After I am unable to answer her 4th or 5th call, I get the "are you mad at me text?". "Seriously" is what I want to reply, but I don't. I reply "no, just overwhelmed." Her reply; "do you know if I can take my dog in the school building?". Once again I want to reply; "seriously!" but instead say "I don't know."

I don't have time for that kind of conversation. The only one I want to hear is the one where the words "It's going to be okay" come towards me from the lips of my friend to my ears and heart.

Days like yesterday are everyday. And everyday I survive only by the Grace of God.

3. I don't feel good. Major headache accompanied the 30 degree difference in temperature these last 24 hours. I want to lay my head down and someone rub my hair  until I fall asleep. I want to be cold enough to snuggle but not to hot that I sweat.

I want peace. I know that there is that saying that says- "No God, no peace. Know God, know peace." But in the Knowing God is the constant battle for peace. It seems satan seeks to steal our joy and our peace so the fight is constant.

But I will remain diligent and faithful and full of hope that God will continue to grant me the Grace that I need to survive.


Thursday, April 25, 2013

April 25, 2013

Lord it is in the quietness after the chaos that I now find myself sitting in.

Wet with tears.

How am I suppose to do this? How do I teach my kids respect? How am I suppose to love them and teach them discipline and not hug them off when their in trouble and crying?

I want to be the good mommy sometimes.

I'm tired of harping and nagging, pick this up, pick that up, get to the tub, where is your freezer pack, the list of questions and directions is miles long. When will I get to just love and not teach?

The bad part is the angry words that I speak. I wish so desperately to be able to use the delete key and erase them forever. But they are already there.

Their dad doesn't care. You see they are an inconvenience to him and his new wifey. This isn't the life he wanted I remind myself.

Lord when will there be a balance of effort of what I give to my children and love and respect from them. Never I'm sure.

I look at that last sentence and it catches me off guard. I have recently come to realize that my relationship with my mother & my father is conditional. My mom loves me without condition as long as am living according to "her" views of life (ie: man basher, hater of my dad & his family, grumpy and unhappy) and my dad loves me without condition as long as he doesn't have to love me in front of my mom. You see there is this "your dad loves you more than anyone else" battle that my mom wages, basically all the time. 

What I need to realize is that just because my parents love like that doesn't mean that I have to love or receive love like that. Note to self- not everyones love is conditional. Especially not my children's. They love me because I love them and they can count on me. I'm am their stability, their constant, their peace. That sounds awfully familiar- it's because God is those things to me! He loves me unconditionally. I love him and I can count on HIM. HE is my stability, my constant, my peace. They love me like I love my Savior.

I needed to write this out to find that piece of the puzzle that now makes sense. Parenting these kids isn't much different than being parented by the Savior. He forgives and I need to as well. 

The things in the floor will not make the night break in two, it will not make the earth shake and shutter. It will be okay. The unfolded laundry will be okay left unfolded for another day. And the dishes won't be going anywhere anytime soon. But this day, this April 25, 2013 will only happen once. I will not let this day pass without peace between me and my children.

Thanks for listening! Got something I have to go do...

Monday, April 15, 2013

The Good, the Bad and the Broken Hearted.

It's been a while I know. I've been busy. 3 kids keep me hopping!

Between Girl & Boy Scouts, Softball, Piano, work, and well life things have been crazy.

The kids are growing at an amazing pace & I find myself more blessed than I ever deserve! I also find myself full of the Grace of God. It has to be the Grace of God that has me here surviving every single day.

I've started back on my diet to try to get off the muffin top & the muffin top that has fallen south from my little muffin! It's not easy but the simple fact that I'm having a hard time finding time to eat is a plus.

Sophie is 6 1/2 months now & she is a ball of smiling fun energy! She is perfect & I enjoy her every single second.

Kennedy is an ever changing ever growing ever amazing little girl who amazes me every single time we talk.

Ian, well what can you say about this little guy (who hates to be called little) other than I love him. He is and has always been my most challenging daily endeavour.

These are my 3 on a very sleepy morning. Better pictures soon.

On my love life, well it's life. Up & down & all around. Who knows. Just God. My trust, my faith, and my hope is that God will direct my feet & my path & protect my heart.

On life in general. Well, my grandma (my dads mom) who I love so very much has fallen sick. In about a month's time she has went from an 84 woman living by herself & taking care of herself. To being very very sick with no use of her legs or feet. We have to lift her to even help her go to the bathroom. My heart is even more broken now than before and all the while I didn't think there were even pieces of my heart left to break. But I have come to the realization that there is and its a pain that is even deeper than I ever imagined.

My mother's mother passed when I was much younger, without children and without responsibility and while the pain of losing her was hard, I hadn't experienced much of LIFE yet. But this time, I know the heartache, I know the reality of this. I am aware of the finality of death. I am aware that the harshness of watching someone decline and lose control of their body and its functions. I watch this woman slowly being overtaken by the finality of life and it is so hard.

In every family there is dysfunction and in mine there is no exception. This one doesn't like that one, this one is annoying and so no one will take their calls, this one is that, this one is this. But when you get to this point in life, those things don't matter and you hope to pull together and encourage each other in a way to help lighten the hurt and burden of the situation. Now not always does that happen. But for a few of us in this family it is happening and we are bearing the burden together.

Life, hard.
Going through a divorce, hard.
Finding myself again, hard.
Raising 2 kids alone, hard.
Trusting someone with my heart again, hard.
That trust shattered, hard.
Finding myself pregnant at 40 & unmarried, hard.
Forgiving myself, impossibly hard.
Raising now 3 kids alone, hard.
Trying to find myself again, hard.
Watching my grandma slowly digress, there aren't words- just tears.

I have often looked back over my life and wondered how I got here? I know how I survived- by the Grace of God. But how I came to a point in my life where 3 entire beings depend on me and where I am one of the caretakers of my grandma is a journey that is blurred. All I know is that in about 2.5 hours, if not before I will hopefully awake (please Lord, let me sleep at some point tonight!) and do it all again.

Lord, I don't know why YOU picked me for this place today, yet here I am. When I uttered that prayer "Here I am Lord Send Me" years ago YOU took me up on that offer and have sent me to the depths of loving someone so much that I eagerly jump and run to do any job required to help my Grandma. I love her so dearly Lord. Please please please I beg, don't let her suffer. But until YOU decide to meet her face to face I will be here waiting to be sent again to her side.

Good Night, I hope.