Monday, April 15, 2013

The Good, the Bad and the Broken Hearted.

It's been a while I know. I've been busy. 3 kids keep me hopping!

Between Girl & Boy Scouts, Softball, Piano, work, and well life things have been crazy.

The kids are growing at an amazing pace & I find myself more blessed than I ever deserve! I also find myself full of the Grace of God. It has to be the Grace of God that has me here surviving every single day.

I've started back on my diet to try to get off the muffin top & the muffin top that has fallen south from my little muffin! It's not easy but the simple fact that I'm having a hard time finding time to eat is a plus.

Sophie is 6 1/2 months now & she is a ball of smiling fun energy! She is perfect & I enjoy her every single second.

Kennedy is an ever changing ever growing ever amazing little girl who amazes me every single time we talk.

Ian, well what can you say about this little guy (who hates to be called little) other than I love him. He is and has always been my most challenging daily endeavour.

These are my 3 on a very sleepy morning. Better pictures soon.

On my love life, well it's life. Up & down & all around. Who knows. Just God. My trust, my faith, and my hope is that God will direct my feet & my path & protect my heart.

On life in general. Well, my grandma (my dads mom) who I love so very much has fallen sick. In about a month's time she has went from an 84 woman living by herself & taking care of herself. To being very very sick with no use of her legs or feet. We have to lift her to even help her go to the bathroom. My heart is even more broken now than before and all the while I didn't think there were even pieces of my heart left to break. But I have come to the realization that there is and its a pain that is even deeper than I ever imagined.

My mother's mother passed when I was much younger, without children and without responsibility and while the pain of losing her was hard, I hadn't experienced much of LIFE yet. But this time, I know the heartache, I know the reality of this. I am aware of the finality of death. I am aware that the harshness of watching someone decline and lose control of their body and its functions. I watch this woman slowly being overtaken by the finality of life and it is so hard.

In every family there is dysfunction and in mine there is no exception. This one doesn't like that one, this one is annoying and so no one will take their calls, this one is that, this one is this. But when you get to this point in life, those things don't matter and you hope to pull together and encourage each other in a way to help lighten the hurt and burden of the situation. Now not always does that happen. But for a few of us in this family it is happening and we are bearing the burden together.

Life, hard.
Going through a divorce, hard.
Finding myself again, hard.
Raising 2 kids alone, hard.
Trusting someone with my heart again, hard.
That trust shattered, hard.
Finding myself pregnant at 40 & unmarried, hard.
Forgiving myself, impossibly hard.
Raising now 3 kids alone, hard.
Trying to find myself again, hard.
Watching my grandma slowly digress, there aren't words- just tears.

I have often looked back over my life and wondered how I got here? I know how I survived- by the Grace of God. But how I came to a point in my life where 3 entire beings depend on me and where I am one of the caretakers of my grandma is a journey that is blurred. All I know is that in about 2.5 hours, if not before I will hopefully awake (please Lord, let me sleep at some point tonight!) and do it all again.

Lord, I don't know why YOU picked me for this place today, yet here I am. When I uttered that prayer "Here I am Lord Send Me" years ago YOU took me up on that offer and have sent me to the depths of loving someone so much that I eagerly jump and run to do any job required to help my Grandma. I love her so dearly Lord. Please please please I beg, don't let her suffer. But until YOU decide to meet her face to face I will be here waiting to be sent again to her side.

Good Night, I hope.