Friday, December 12, 2014

just a thought or 2...

Sweet Friday O' how I adore thee!

These days before Christmas are hectic and hurried and jammed packed but o'how I love me a Friday!

I'm a bit better than the slump I was in for a couple of days, the hell of hormones!

But opening up and being honest may make you seem more vulnerable but honesty is the best.
Hurts hurt so there, I cry when I need to where I need too and go on.

A day for me without some type of tears happy or sad is rare anymore. But that's what hormonal hell is I guess at this point. I'm trying to monitor myself better and incorporate and be more conscious of how I eat and exercise and take care of myself to better ward off that roller coaster ride.

But any who....

God is blessed me with a night last night with my children at the lights parade and there is hardly a word that explains the look on Sophie's face. She truly was everything that a child is at Christmas time! Lord, there is nothing I can say other than thank you!

Much love from this heart of mine.

Me.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

I'm her.

Yes I'm her.

The one who comes in each week with 3 kids in tow. Sits in the back row and has the very busy redheaded child.

I'm her.

What you don't know is when the choir sings those songs about Grace and healing and brokenness. It's about me. That's why I'm wiping tears away and trying not to break apart completely. I struggle to keep composed.

What you don't see on the 6 other days and the other 23 hours of Sunday is the blessed life I lead.

I have a beautiful home, 3 beautiful healthy kids, a great job, a nice car to drive, food in my cabinets & freezer. I have everything that I've wanted.

But I'm alone.

My husband of 14 years left me because this wasn't the life for him.

I've tried dating sites. Not good.

So I sit at home with my children. I raise them and I go to bed. I do laundry and dishes, pick up and put up and take out garbage. I rarely sit.

But I'm alone.

I want so badly to have the life with a partner, someone to share my day with. But this is the journey God has me on right now.

There are plenty of days I want to give up. But I can't. So I cry, dry them, survive and repeat.

So when you see me wrestle with my kids and wipe my eyes. Please pray.

Much love, me.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

ugh

Ever feel like you need the world to stop so that you can heal?

I do.

Tonight.

Me.

It's time to turn the page...

It's early and I've been up for a while.

Think the stress from everything lately set off an anxiety attack and I have been up focusing on just simply breathing and praying for others.

There was a point that simply breathing and talking to Jesus was all I could do. I felt HIM so close. I felt HIS hands on my knees saying "relax Val, I've got this".

I want to scream out the fact that I was lied too and its not fair and HE reminded me that HE too knew that feeling. Even though I told HIM I didn't want to have to accept it that I wanted to tell them what my heart felt, HE assured me that HE will handle it. And I believe HIM. I have to, because to scream, doesn't help HIS Kingdom.

Selena Gomez has a song called "The Heart Wants What It Wants" at the beginning of the video she talks and its words are true and its something we all have experienced I'm sure...she says that she can be feeling so confident and then everything shattered in a moment by something, something stupid. The worst part being that the other person makes them feel crazy and like it was our own fault.

Thats it.

I have allowed someone to make me feel like I was the one that wasn't good enough for them, in all actuality they were never good enough for me. God knew I needed and deserved better and HE is still sending them.

So here I am again needing to give myself some good 'ole grace. Giving it is the easy part, taking it is the hard part. (laugh laugh).

But all will be fine and God will continue to protect me I know. UGH...

Much love, Me

PS- Think it's time to turn the page on life!!!!

Friday, December 5, 2014

Trying this again.

Hi.

It's Friday night and it's been a crazy time in our house. Kids are always busy and the piles of things that need wash grow as fast as the kids, the floors are always dirty with crumbs, and there is this holiday that is rapidly approaching.

It's been a while since I've written. My heart hasn't been in it and so I've given myself a break. Not sure I'm ready yet but have to give it a try.

I think about my year and I'm saddened with everything that has happen and yet amazed and blessed.

But no need on looking back, I'm not going back there. Wipe your tears big girl and pull up those big girl panties and head on.

A couple weeks ago I had a date. It was a with a friend from High School. We had a good time, he told me he wanted to take me out again, when he had a night off. Yeah I thought. Today one of my sweet friends told me she had a date and was so excited. I asked with whom? With the guy I went out with. I didn't tell her that i had just been out with him 2 weeks before and had been led to believe that we would go out again. I told her have a great time, he is a good guy.

I had to say that because he is a really nice guy. It is what it is that he hurt me. But I did message him as well and told him to "have a great time tonight she is a sweetheart". I didn't think he would reply but he did and said "it's only dinner taking it slow".

But inward I was dying, I was screaming again what is wrong with me? And through my tears I say, Thank YOU Jesus. I will heal and go on and eventually I will quit looking and let God place someone in my life. It will be okay.

This single motherhood of 3 is quiet a lot at times. But somehow I will make it through this with God's Grace. HE's my everything.

Much love,
Me.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

The Daughter of a King

How honored to be BE THE DAUGHTER OF A KING.

Yes, it is true.

That's me and it makes me smile!

Thanks Father!

Friday, October 3, 2014

October 3

Today I meet with my attorney again. Our request to deny the motion for visitation from Sophie's grandparents was denied again and I am being forced to seek mediation (and pay 1/2 the cost).

Frustrated. Yes.

So I have cried and asked and wondered what I did wrong, I have questioned and I had to come to the final request to God to let me love.

I don't exactly know what that entails or means but that was what I felt was on my heart.

Let me love.

I will let you know what happens! Fingers crossed! And prayers said!

Much love me!

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Holding on.

Good Morning my sweet friends.

It's been a while I know, I lost a computer recently and time hasn't been available to write.

At church on Sunday I sat with Sophie and Ian and wrestled Sophie until I was just wiped out and barely focusing on the message. I thought to myself this isn't for me, we should just leave. Then Pastor Lee spoke and said, If you are tired, and feeling like you want to run- don't quit. If you are overwhelmed and if you are wondering how you got to this place in your life, if tears are hot, if you have questions about why, if you were left and abandoned...

He went on and on, and everyone seemed to say; 'that's you Val'.

I was in tears because his point was- hold on.

Sometimes holding on is painful. It's the hardest thing in the world that a person can do. It's exhausting and it's degrading, and embarrassing, and a million other things.

As a single mom I'm finding myself overwhelmed 100% of the time. I don't know how to do this life, so holding on to my Savior is my only option. HE is all I have. HE is the one who say's "Val I got this, just trust me".

So I do.

I have been so just numb to everything lately. But I'm holding on to HIS promises!

Much love, Me.

Friday, September 5, 2014

My Sweet Hannah.

She is gone.

My heart is empty and there are hardly thoughts or words to even speak.

Quietness consumed me yesterday and already this morning.

She passed in the night and has been buried.

For 19 years she stood with me.

Hannah was my 1st child. She slept in my bed until it was no longer safe for her too.

She….

there aren't words just tears.

God is good all the time, hard days like this and great days too.

I will not be taken by the hard times that have beset me recently, it has been an extremely hard year.

But God has NEVER left my side.

I will eventually no longer cry over Hannah's passing but rejoice in the great memories that we had and the fact that she was loved and loved. But for today, I miss her.

Much love, me.

Monday, September 1, 2014

My Hannah.

Today my prayer was to be non-emotional.

My dog, my first child, is very very sick.

I know it is time.

I have had to keep her outside and it is killing me, but I've no other choice.

She has been with me for 19 years.

My kids don't know and I can't tell them yet. The pain is just simply too much in the midst with my daily life.

I don't know why I have this life that I have but I lift my hand to Jesus and say thank you.

Thank you for my children, my home, my job (ugh), my piles of laundry and dirty dishes too. My memories of my Hannah and my days.

So through my tears I say thank you and bless me Father.

Much love. me.

Friday, August 29, 2014

I choose YOU

I've heard the word "mommy" probably 100 times in about an hour time.

My nerves are so shot.

I love being a mom, and I love my kids.

Recently I've battled to find peace in my life and my search has not yielded much.

Am I looking in the wrong places? Is Satan battling me so hard that I am trying to just breathe? Is this a test? Am I going to survive this? because I really don't think I am right now.

I have to give myself a break I know. I'm dealing with a near 2 yo and a near 11 yo and an 8 yo and a dying dog, and a puppy, 40 hour work week, and a child visitation case.

I use to think, "If I only had a husband to help me through my day's". I no longer long for a husband, my help can't come from earth. The only one who can help me with all that above must have ability far greater than all that mortal man can conceive.

I need help from YOU God. I need peace that only YOU can give. I need YOU to hold my hand and lead me. I have to have an attorney for the visitation situation but YOU Lord are my GREAT COUNSELOR! YOU LORD!

I CHOOSE YOU!

I NEED YOU!

Much love, me.


Thursday, August 28, 2014

UGH

So last weekend Kennedy asked if we could start going to church on Wednesday nights. Awe! I thought! How terrific! YES I wanted to scream & jump around! But being cool and calm I said, absolutely!

As terrific as it was on Sunday, it was rough last night.

I say this to give you an idea of the wrestling match that in sued in my pew, there was no childcare and it was creeping up on bedtime. Wasn't a good idea.

I realized that I have to start saying NO to running to every single place that I feel I have to go to or that the kids feel they have to go to.

Even as wonderful as the idea of being in church on a Wednesday night is, for a single mom of 3 kids (and often more with the neighborhood kids too) I simply can't pull it off.

I am a slow learner and maybe in the fall when Wednesday night childcare starts up again we will try it again. UGH.

My heart says I wanna, but in the end of the day I just am not the person I need to be to pull off another night like last night.

Please help me figure this out Lord!

Much love, me.

Monday, August 25, 2014

the fight for Sophie.

Somedays it's just hard.

Sophie's biological grandparents are fighting me for visitation.

There aren't words to describe my hurt inside.

My questions for God.

I have nothing but the hope and promises that God has given me.

me.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

My daily prayer.

Good morning Lord.

Today is a busy crazy day. I seek your presence, peace and protection over my children and I.

Thank You for last night and the company my table held, I pray over her life and her family. Her decisions, her Lord. Guide her in the ways that YOU house she walk.

Lord, I pray for those with brokenness inside them, for You hold the answers to healing and moving onto the next minute.

I pray for those who fight the silent battle of depression. The battle is real.

I pray for those who have hurt me that I may seek YOUR example and forgive.

I pray for my parents who have had to step in so many times and in so many ways and help me. Thank YOU.

Help me lead my children through these days. They are YOUR children first and mine second. So I only want to do right.

Much love, me.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Flowers from God.

I sit here typing, knowing that at any minute little people will come waltzing through my door & my time will be a memory.

TV's on silent & the only noise is the one of the fan.

My body is tired and the daylight seems like it's never gonna fade into darkness so that I can convince my kids it's bedtime.

I haven't mention this but a week ago I got a call.

A flower shop here in town called me and I missed the call.

So eagerly I called them back wondering who could have sent me flowers? A friend, a secret admirer? this guy?

They answered and explained to me that in December I was sent flowers that were never paid for and they needed payment.

I made arrangements and thanked God for the flowers and told HIM that they were beautiful and they did make me smile.

I had to take a step backwards and breathe again.

Those were some difficult times in my life and I thank God for my children and for the GRACE that God gave to me at a time when I lost my way.

I prayed early last fall for God to give me "dreams" again because after my divorce I went into survival mode and quit dreaming. I kept reading how other people had dreams and ideas for their future. Me, the future for me consisted of a pillow and blanket in a dark room. I didn't act much beyond taking care of my kids and crawling into bed.

God took me on a journey, it had its highs and lows and for a long time I lost myself.

Then God shined a light on some things and I stopped breathing for a while. I caught my breath, gave HIM Praise and took HIS hand.

By HIS Grace I made it to today, August 12, 2014.

Not sure where I am about making dreams for me and my kids and our future. HE made me a promise that HE knows my future and it will be good. So it's in HIS hands.

I will pay the flower bill and I will pay it because God blessed me with some beautiful flowers for a time in my life.

Lord, just grant me wisdom next time please.

Much love, me.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

What I learned in July

1. Being sick is terrible.

2. That when you feel like things are stacked against you, and you tell a bunch of people the list again and again…your anxiety grows! So it's best to say YOU know Lord, and "let it go!" (as per FROZEN the movie).

3. That the words "let it go" have been said a million times in this house. 

4. That sometimes your mom can be your mom & she's the best mom in the world.

5. That watching your parents hurt because you hurt…hurts.

6. That changing your prayer life, is life changing.

7. That flying an american flag is A W E S O M E.

8. That watching hummingbirds makes me smile.

9. That work is work and life is life and the 2 should remain separate!

10. That it's okay to cry.

11. That Shrek the play that the kids in the community put on this year has some very great points to a momma of 3 kids! LOL!

12. That working out is a necessity to my mental health as much as my physical health.

13. That finding a guy isn't a job for me.

14. That I can take 6 kids to Chucky Cheese & the park and survive. (But not something I want to do everyday!)

15. Watching your nearly 2 year old dance is cute! Watching your nearly 2 year old dance in bed at 1:30 AM because your neighbor is having a party isn't.

16. That you can't pick up your sword and shield and your cross too. Pick wisely!

17. I'm blessed and my wants and needs have been met! All of them.

I'm sure there are a million others! But breakfast time!

Much love, me.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

My prayer.

Lord, it's me again.

It's not 7 PM yet and I'm exhausted.

It was a great day off, but I'm tired.

Father God, I pray for myself and my children tonight, from the hairs on our heads to the soles of our feet.

Bless us Father God.

Remove from us those who do not wish us well.

Bless our paths with those who will encourage us and stand with us.

Father tonight when I lay down please don't leave my bedside.

I need YOU.

Much love, me.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Dear me.

Dear me,

Do you think that the things that are on your plate & challenge you today are surprising to God?

Do you think that HE is sitting there saying, "Come on, give the girl a break"?

Do you think HE is worried that all the weight will take you down?

HE knows, and HIS arms are crossed and the smirk is on HIS face and HE is smiling and pointing saying to those nearby…"watch this! She has no idea!".

Jeremiah 20:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

God is in control, it's ok.

Breathe today.

Take this moment as it comes, HE already knows where you are and what's going on.

Trust me when I say, HE didn't take HIS eye's off you for 1 second…

When you plead with HIM to not leave your bedside at night, you waste your breath, because HE was never planning on leaving.

God's with you right now even!

Your tears HE collects, and someone will answer for them. HE tells us that in Psalms 56:8.

Girl! You are going to be okay. You are HIS!!

Have a great Friday, it's okay.

Love me.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Journeying...

Good Morning Lord.

I know that you are pressing into me the thought of loving those who hurt us.

I know this like I know my own name.

But I don't wanna! (I laugh because with 3 kids I hear them saying those words).

But I know I must.

I must because letting them go and letting YOU handle this, is the only way to survive this time.

There are things I want to disappear from my life to make my breathing easier, but they are there for a reason.

My fear and my hesitation is what if I'm not dealing with these things well in front of my children in order to prepare them for when things like this pop up in their life as adults.

Lord, sustain me, hold me, help me, guide me.

This journey doesn't come with a map or a guide.

Help me today muster my way through these hours and not make a mess of things.

To YOU be the glory when this day is done and I close my eyes to the quiet of the house.

Much love, me.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Only YOU.

Good Morning Lord, I know yesterday I broke again.

I couldn't help it, the stress was built up so big that I didn't know what else to do.

Crying isn't a sign of weakness I know.

I realized that the frustrations with the situations that laid against me are in the past, and only with YOU leading me we made it through EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE DAYS.

Not me, but YOU.

YOU took my hand and said let's go. I didn't want to. I wanted to quit, I wanted to sit down but YOU said, "no we must, I have something to show you"; and so we walked on.

Lord, somedays I look backwards, like yesterday & want to stop and remind YOU how much that hurt.

YOU always allow me to stop and look, but then YOU gently urge me forward.

I made it through yesterday because of YOU Lord.

Only YOU.

Much Love, me.

Friday, July 18, 2014

My eventful day!

I've spent today in a crazy hurried blur & my day isn't even over yet, no where close.

Last night it was 10:30 before I opened my front door to begin the night.

Today I knew I had 2 things to do today, get a bed being given to me & bring it home (45 min drive) & go to the play tonight.

So we left early, 8:30 early for Carbondale.
Drive was good.
Got there, no tools.
Neighbor had some…shew!
2 Girls strapping a twin size trundle bed in the back of my dads truck…grueling. But done.
5 min into the drive, we lost the mattress.
Get it reloaded, tailgate fell off.
Get it reattached.

(By this time…its by the Grace of God that we hadn't peed ourselves. Laughing insanely!)

Drive back on a 65 mph road, 40 mph.

Get home, lost a screw.
And my sweet friend Shelly, lost her keys.

So we get ready to head to Carbondale to get them from where she thought they were at.
Ian shuts his hand in the door & it looks like he broke a finger. (Wasn't broken…shew).

So at 3:40, 1 hour before call time, bed is here, short 1 screw, mattress been on the highway, 1 reattached tailgate, 1 jammed finger fresh from ER, and 1 really tired mom, & 1 best friend being taken by her dad to a dealer to get a new key made.

Lord, it is by YOUR Grace alone that we've not peed ourselves today! Thank you!!!!

Just had to share!

Much love me.

A great visit with a great lady...

Last night was the first night of the play.

It was AWESOME! As always! & SOLD OUT!!!!

How those kids go from a rotten dress rehearsal to the great production of the play is funny!

In fact Kennedy said last night, this is my favorite play!

I've yet to see the entire play. I spent much of the night tying up costumes, changing Kennedy & doing whatever needed to be done.

After the intermission I was able to talk to a sweet momma that I don't get to talk with much.

She is amazing, soft spoken, great family.

I was so blessed with her visit, thank you so much Lord for the time with her.

Much love, me.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Gonna Build Me A Wall

Good Morning God,

At one time I use to say what I learned from the past week.

It's only Thursday & I've learned a lot.

I'm also in the middle of my daughter's Shrek play & exhaustion has set in and tonight is the 1st performance.

I love all the songs & the kids are more than fantastic, they are amazingly talented.

But one song say's this is Val's Theme Song all over it!

Shrek sings it & it's call, "Gonna build a wall".

The me part is when he says:
Gonna build me a wall, a perfect place, to hide,
Hey world, stay on your side,
The best way to conquer, they say is to divide.

Gonna build me a wall,
Gonna be what they say,
Gonna hide in my heart,
Gonna build me a wall.

That's me.

I'm done with defending & trying to prove my heart and my mind and soul.
When in the jungle you can't make the lions understand what the arctic is like,
So to make the crazy people of this world try to understand me is the same.

I'll be okay, Just don't leave me.

Much love, me.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

DENY YOURSELF…Yes Lord...

Yet again I faced another situation that took me to a low position.

I needed what happened yesterday.

Grace was extended a million times beyond what I expected to have received at the end of the day and am once again blessed.

This morning I woke to a splitting headache from the events 24 hours ago and still questioning "why", and this was my answer…

DENY YOURSELF

What? and again DENY YOURSELF.

I need to quit defending myself. Quit trying to make people understand who I am, quit trying to answer to their "this is how I see you" statements.

Quit saying, "but that isn't who I am Lord!", "YOU search my heart", "YOU know"…

HE does.

And so HE says, "DENY YOURSELF VAL".

Basically quit.

Then Jesus said to HIS disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and full me." Matthew 16:24.

Pick up your cross, and let's go Val.

Deny answering the craziness of all the things that lay against you. Pick up what's being given & let's go. There's a life out there that is full of promise and full of hope, and let's go.

Isn't that what my first blog was all about, here I am Lord send me? And now this one, Yes Lord I still believe?

After all the things that have made my cross heavier, I laid it down. After all I can't carry a sword and shield to protect myself and the cross too…so deny myself…pick up my cross…and let's go.

I gotta go…HE is waiting.

Thanks Lord, just don't leave me…I'm scared.

Much love, me.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Contentment

Good morning Lord, I listened last night as YOU talked.

I understand my discontent in life. That on one scale, I'm comparing myself with someone who has a life full of new things and trips and getting things with money. On the other scale I compare myself with someone with statements like "but I do this and I do that…".

There's not much difference is there….

In both situations I'm discontent and I know that isn't a good thing.

Philippians 4:11
Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.

In order for me to begin to find my peace again, I have to be content where I am, no matter if I am in want.

I will figure this out. Eventually. I know you are probably shaking your head at me, but I am so thankful that YOU stick with me.

This is a crazy week for us here in this house. So I breathe deep and say, use me. I still believe.

Much love, Me.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Geeze Louise...

Geez Louise…

This post is a hard one to write.

The past few weeks have been more than I could have fathomed experiencing at one time. My kids had a health situation, Pool pump died, my dad received a threatening call from Sophie's grandparents demanding visitation or I would be taken to court, my pay was cut due to budget issues at work, I became very very sick with an infection that attacked my throat and mouth and prevented me from eating (I was sick for 11 days), during which the bank called and said there was an error on my flood insurance policy and I had been cancelled and needed to pay $500 asap, I was served a summons on the 4th of July stating I was being taken to court for grandparent visitation, had to hire an atty to file paperwork for the case $500, my car broke down $400 to fix, I locked my keys in my car & had to get a locksmith to unlock it.

My oh my Lord, the verse “Count it all joy when you meet trials of many kinds.” {James 1:2}
Rings so true for me right now, but Lord it's hard.

I wanna scream & act like Sophie & stomp my feet. I want to ask, "why", like my kids do when I tell them to do something….I've got a lot of growing up to do don't I?

I know you are here, I can feel your presence close tonight. It's like you are whispering "let it go", the same words my parents have been saying to me for the past few days. It's hard to just let it go, the yucky side of me wants revenge, wants eye for an eye kind of stuff. But that's not what YOU want us to do I know. YOU want me to love that other person, hold nothing against them, you want me in essence to "let it go".

I want to pray for them, don't get me wrong…I wanna pray that they'd come to their senses, but that is wrong too. I need to pray for the situation and that YOUR will be done. I just need you to say, close your eyes, and let me lead you.

I'm tired Lord, or am I depresses? The doctor says I have healing that still needs to happen and that I'm tired because of everything. I will be ok, won't I? I miss you Lord.

Hold me tonight, I'm scared.
Love, me.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Ugh.

In 1 week I have: been to the doctor 3 times, ER 1 time, not ate a meal other than stale cheerios & pudding, dealt with a bank/home insurance issue, and been served with paperwork from Sophie's grandparents who are seeking visitation with her.

I'm emotionally gone, my body is exhausted from the weight of the stress that these 7 days have given me. I have nothing left to give.

The fact that I blink and breathe is a miracle of God.

I begged God to remove me from this situation and yet I face the rising sun today.

I begged God to grant me the answer as to "why", and yet I hear the spinning of the ceiling fans.

I don't know why I have had such a time lately, I hope that it's because HE loves me & is holding me close.

YOU are all I have Lord.

Bless me please.

Me.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

And again I ask

She lays here beside me and I type one handed, for she is holding my other one.

A week of sickness has passed with her not being Sophie and I hate it.

As a single mom I battle so much more than a married mom.

Its all mine and I own it.

It's the endless days of the past week where you simply nap through the nighttime in between giving meds, and getting drinks and making her comfortable.

Her sickness will pass, hopefully soon, but the exhaustion that is all around is wearing me thin.

I asked HIM again last night through my tears, "WHY!".

There wasn't an answer again.

So I hold on, clinging to FAITH, clinging to HOPE, all alone knowing HE is my answer.

Much love today, me.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Saturday, June 20

It's Saturday, the sun is out & my goodness its a beautiful day!

We are blessed.

I did my walk of shame to the library with my 4 years overdue book & paid the fine & then donated the book back to them. I took with me Ian & Sophie. Lord, Sophie was soooo loud, I swear they had to have all shook their heads when we finally left. She was screaming, I was wearing snot on both of my shoulders, and my head is pounding!

I think being these 3 kids momma is a wonderful thing, but so help me…. if I HEAR MOMMA MOMMA MOMMA ONE MORE TIME I'M GONNA LOSE IT TODAY!

The combination of this head ache, Sophie's cold, a mountain of laundry and a few other things I'm mentally done, to the point of putting on my jammies & calling it a day.

I ran to Carbondale today & spent my Kohls cash on new pillows for my living room & a fantastic platter for my dining room.

But the pain of the headache about did me in on the trip home.

I find myself so lost some days, I seem to relive some memories just to try to feel like a girl again. Someone somebody once loved.

But quickly I'm brought back to reality and my job taking care of 3 amazingly beautiful children, just with a broken heart.

I find myself wanting to close inward again and just survive. But I know I can't that I must endure these times, and survive for the sake of HOPE and FAITH.

HOPE that this brokenness won't consume me and FAITH in God's promise.

Well my minute of time to myself is long gone & Sophie needs a nap desperately.

Off to being momma now….

As Reba once said, "the world doesn't stop for my broken heart".

Much love, me.


Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Grace

Last night I was exhausted, who of us momma's aren't.

I begged just to close my eyes, even though I was up and down a million times it seems. 

With my 2 oldest back from their weekend visit with their dad it is customary to want to huddle together in my bed. 

So was the door locked? where's the passy? get the dog outside? turn the tv off? someone needed a drink, I needed a bathroom break...but what I was truly begging for was peace & quiet.

However as warm & cozy as it is that we all 4 pile into the bed, Sophie wasn't taking kindly to having a Bubba to share a pillow with and a dog touching her feet. Life wasn't going well for her. 

As anyone within a block radius could tell, Sophie's cries were deafening. I begged, pleaded...she was having a come-a-part and I was too.

I always regret the way I handle those situations. I'm sure as momma's we all second guess the way we handle EVERY situation. 

As I look back on last night I think, good grief of all the things Jesus bestowed on me last night the thing I could have passed on was GRACE, and didn't.

What am I teaching my kids if I don't teach them GRACE?

Now I could give you a list of reasons why I was short tempered and tired and while I'm sure that many of you would nod your head and say "been there", it's not an out for me not giving the thing I deserved least.

Here's hoping for a better day!

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Lord, I praise YOU for all the blessings I have in my day, 

even the ones I have no idea about.


I went to work today.

I was dressed nice, hair done, make up on.

Smile in place. Warm gestures to all (or at least all but 1) who crossed my path.

My hands, mind, and fingers all going as fast as they could go.

Bumps happened and times I wanted to stop smiling and let the real show.

But I didn't.

I kept on, keeping on.

I wrote to YOU and told you how I felt I was drowning again.

YOU brought to mind the song, "Where could I go".

I have no where else Lord.

There is no place to lay my burdens down.

No friend who has shoulders left to help me carry mine.

So I kept going today.

I'm suppose to give YOU my burdens Lord. (Why when I type those words to tears appear?)

My burdens are ugly, some self-created, others have grown out of molehills, some I can't even speak (or even type), and yes they truly are all mine. No one else would or could attempt to claim them.

Where could I go, O' where could I go
Seeking a refuge for my soul.

I need a refuge. A place to hide, and feel safe again. A place to know I was going to be okay.

Because on days like today, I don't.

Today I received bad news from a friend and she said, "it will be okay". I replied, "no it won't". She asked "why" and I told her "because I'm a single mom losing this battle".

She of course went on to offer words of encouragement, because that's what we do, we lift one another up.

I'm overwhelmed and full of fear of not making it. It's scary out here in this world Lord.

I need YOU like never before, I want to smell YOUR scent, feel the breeze of your passing by me, feel the warmth of YOU radiating brightly. I need to feel YOUR touch, hear YOU speak to me, and know beyond anything else it is YOU. Make it clear. Make it without question. Keep Satan away guard me, with a thousand angels today because there is no fight left in me.

Hold me today & tonight when I sleep please don't leave my beside.

Being a single mom is hard and there aren't any arms to run to here in this world. So hold me Loving Father, keep me safe and let me know it will be okay.

Much love, me.


Thursday, June 5, 2014

Taking a stand against a bully

It's 2 AM here & in my bed attached to me is Sophie & somewhere towards my feet is Ian.

Can't sleep.

I have been finding myself tempted by Satan recently.

The neighborhood bully and her mother taunt and harass my children and I, and nothing angers a momma more than someone picking on their child.

This taunting & harassing pushes me to a level of low that is only known to the snake of the grass himself.

Oh just walk away from them is the advice given by so many. I ask, why should my kids and I be forced inside of the house because they taunt. No we stand strong. We hold to our belief that 1 person not overrun another person. We hold strong to the fact that physical violence-even threatened amongst kids- isn't to be tolerated.

I hold strong knowing that my children's bully is bigger than my kids, and even though her ways are being brought on because of jealousy or whatever, it can't be tolerated.

I think of Adam and Eve in the Garden and how the temptation of the devil brought them down. I can't allow these "people" to do that to me.

I think of the little girl from Columbine who when asked who is a Christian, stood up and said I am. If you ask me who will stand up against my son & daughter's bully, I am.

The laws of our community do not affect the dealings between kids regarding harassment, bullying, or taunting. Basically let the kids fight it out amongst themselves is the thought process. I don't believe a child 2-3 times bigger than mine is a fair fight. I also have read about bullying statics and the correlation to suicide and other problems later in life.

I am taking a stand against this little girl and her mother, we will not be pushed to hide in our house or retreat to our backyard because of their gruffness.

I will pay the fine and penalty for my wrongs but this will be stopped. i cannot believe that God would approve of how I handled things recently and through HIS Grace I see my error. But accept her abuse and retreat isn't God's way either.

You see in the last 10 years HE has given me 3 particular lives to love and raise and protect. If I let someone bully, pick on, or even verbally abuse one of them I am held accountable especially if I knew it.

I pray for wisdom on how to deal with this situation. I pray for strength to continue to stand strong and tall for my children. I pray for help in dealing with them, I pray for favor on searching for answers.

HE says ask, seek, knock, whisper if you must, but always come! I am here Lord, seeking, learning, hoping, asking, loving, believing, knowing, and waiting for YOUR answer to come.

Much love, me.

Friday, May 30, 2014

That is not my life, this is.

It's Friday.

On a 4 day work week Friday seems so far away, but I made it. Today I was woke up with the sound of heaven…Sophie laughing in her sleep.

That is the most precious sound ever. She is perfect. My unexpected gift in life. One that keeps on giving. Now she is the one who I'm constantly cleaning up after, especially since she believes she can drink out of a coke can, and feed herself, believes she can play in the dogs watering bowl, and the one I have to watch like a hawk! LOL! But she and her brother and sister are my everything.

Their smiles, their excitement, their stories, the way they all talk at one time trying to tell me everything that happened in their day that meant something to them, it's all wonderful.

One day I will walk into this house & it will be quiet, the floor cleaned, the washer won't run 24/7, and the dishes will be cleaned. But for now that is not my dream, that is not my ideals on a perfect day, and that is not my life.

This is.

Dirty floors, laundry, dishes, and all. And it's okay.

Much love, Me.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Someday and someday's

Someday's I just don't get it. I don't know how to handle life, but eventually those moments pass and I look back and realize even though I didn't know how, I did.

Today my dad came to my work to get Sophie for an hour so I could finish a report. As he leaves he says, "Val, we need to talk about something later". Well curiosity wasn't gonna kill this cat, I asked and he tried to say it really fast so that the pain wouldn't hurt me. But it did.

Seems Sophie's grandparents on her dad's side want to see her. They called my dad and told him that if I don't let them start seeing her they will take me to court. My reply is "to court we go". In the state of IL there are no Grandparent visitation rights.

The emotion I felt wasn't one of fear.

It was anger. I didn't like being threatened, doesn't set well with me. They are trying to bully me into giving them visitation. Well, we know how I don't deal with bullying very well.

God is good all the time. Today especially. I'm blessed beyond imagination and will hold my head up and say so. Will this be ok? Yes. How? I don't know but God say's "I've got this one too Val" and I believe HIM.

Scared of losing Sophie to visitation with them. No.

It will be ok. But I find myself closing down again. Pulling up my walls and going into defense mode. It's how I handle these things, I close myself off until I feel like I can handle it. I will be ok I keep telling myself, because…well because someday I will.

Much love, me.

My days


Life isn’t fair, but no one said it would be.

God is good, even when life isn’t. HE is my rock, my Grace supplier, my guide on situations where I am lost, and my everything. HE is there when I am trying to pull away. HE’s the voice I hear in my heart when I’m crying out “where are YOU”, saying “I’m still here, I’ve never left”. I often picture God sitting in my Pink fuzzy chair in my bedroom keeping watch over me. Especially when my day has been hard, and my heart is heavy. There is no peace like that of a child who has a momma or daddy sitting beside their bed keeping watch.

This life isn’t easy. But no one said it would be.

This past weekend I have quoted the words, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure a million times. Last fall I didn’t put the pool cover on, I’ve worked 3 days so far on the pool trying to get it ready to open. 3 days inside a 4’ plastic pool with 3 kids running crazily around, arguing, fighting, begging for this or that as if their last breath depended on it.

Each day when I got to the point of breaking, I quit. I couldn’t do it anymore. My sanity was worth more than 4’ plastic tub of water. I’m finding that my laundry pile and the dish pile and the dirty floor…well those things just are.

I don’t know how to do this life.

I have had to deal with so much in the last few years that I find myself settling with things and I don’t want to settle for anything. God tells me, “Val, you are mine! A child of God doesn’t settle! A child of God waits for the blessings beyond all things I can imagine.”

I’ve recently battled mentally with the “do I even know how to love” question, and when I met a guy recently I still don’t know. I don’t know how to know and right now I don’t know. Am I blessed? Beyond all things humanly imaginable.

These are the last few days of 2nd grade for Ian and 4th grade for Kennedy. There is no homework at the end of their day & these last few days we’ve had no nighttime extracurricular things going on. The idea of coming home and being is just terrific! There is nothing like it. Being home at night is wonderful. These are the days of smiles, laughter, popsicles, bike rides, and memories.

It’s during these soft moments that we can all breathe and say, “thank you”, watch the sunset over the trees, and know all is well in the world. Does it mean that we won’t have struggles? OMG No!

But for the moment I will have a banana popsicle and lean back with my feet up, the dishes, laundry & broom can wait.

Much love, me.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Mother's Day Blessings!

I struggled with Mother's Day. That's not a hidden fact.

I pleaded with God to show me Love, teach me Love.

Here's what happened.

1. Friday before Mother's Day. My friend Cheryl buried her mom. It was horrible watching someone lose her momma, clinging to the every second of her life. Cheryl told of how her mom took certain ones to the side and talked to them and gave advice and reminded them of her love. She talked of how her mom feared "the end" and wanted to know how "it" would happen. Cheryl spoke of her dad and his love for his bride and how until this very second it still continues.

2. Saturday before Mother's Day. The bullying of my son came to a stop. I stood up for him and they now know I will not back down. PERIOD. Cops got involved, it was ugly. But the little girl will not do that again, and if she does I will be right there! I was advised by a cop that Ian needed to fight his own fight, but fighting a bully isn't the answer. Especially when they are 3 times your size.

3. Mother's Day. Full of warm wishes and a gift from God. Look & see for yourself:

Baby birds were born in the birdhouse on the fence and we watched as they were fed. It was the most amazing thing to watch and share with the kids!

I am blessed as a momma every single day. I wouldn't trade it for cleaner floors, or a sink without dishes, or an empty laundry basket. I'm blessed with a great life.

Thanks Lord! You knew exactly what I needed when I needed it!

Much love, me.

Friday, May 9, 2014

today...

This week I decided to get the kids a new puppy. He was so perfect! Cute, small, smart, love at first sight.



Today he had a heart attack and died.

Ugh.

But God is good ALL THE TIME!

So with the mixture of tears, God ALWAYS gives us something to smile about…


video

Much love, me.

mother's day, i wish it wasn't a holiday

This Sunday is Mother's Day.

This is my most disliked holiday.

It holds terrible memories that I want to forget but were all tied to this day.

When I was married, my then husband, made my last mother's day as his wife the most miserable day of my life. I always say it was on Memorial Day when I felt peace and told him I was divorcing him, but God delivered the final blow to make me sure that it was ok on Mother's Day.

While that has been several years ago the after effects still sting.

Nothing like hearing your then husband on the phone with his girlfriend wishing her a happy mother's day, and totally ignoring you the mother of his children. Then getting the blame for your failing marriage by his mother.

I was granted peace by God to divorce him, and God stepped in in a major way filling every want/desire/need that the kids and I have had since that day. I'm blessed beyond anything imaginable, but I just don't care for this holiday.

I also think as a single mom that this is just a day when society expects us to be honored, but for us who have children are so young it's us that has to fully honor ourselves. Does that make sense?

I asked my girlfriend Jen who also has walked the same journey as I, if she was going to be honored on Sunday with a grand breakfast in bed and all the fixin's. Her reply, "uh not unless someone leaves a pop tart in my bed from the night before." I truly laughed out loud!

So for all the families that honor their momma's enjoy this day. Celebrate & love her.

But for me, I'd rather do nothing and forget it had any meaning.

Much love, 
me.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Things I learned this week...

The things I learned this week:

1. Spring time makes the work week seem longer.
2. You can officially catch up on laundry for a few hours.
3. Trying out a puppy is a good thing.
4. I miss treasure hunting (garage sales). I got a lot of great finds! A coffee table, a wall hanger, a rooster measuring spoon holder, a play garden set for Sophie, 2 baskets, a bouncing horse for Sophie, curtains for my dining room. and an awesome ball bag for Kennedy for Softball.
5. Standing up against someone that is bullying your child because they are bigger than he is, is ALWAYS NECESSARY! The little girl across the street has been bullying Ian & I stopped it on Friday night, 30 minutes later the police came. Yes, her mother called the police. But of course I knew the cop, work with his mom, he fishes with my dad & he went to school with my sister. So basically it was a "hey how are you visit". Long story short, the girl will NEVER EVER be allowed back on my property again, and the neighborhood mothers all know so her daughter will be mighty lonely this summer.
6. Spending 2 days with the doors & windows wide open listening to Country music is therapeutic.
7. I miss my kids terribly when they are gone.
8. Church is always good for the soul.
9. Front porch sitting is good, but backyard lounging is the best!
10. Surprising your kids with a puppy is an awesome thing!

I'm so blessed. Thank you Lord. Life may not be what I expected, and my journey may be rougher than I believed it would have been, but I am still blessed. In my deepest whoa's and lowest lows, I'm still blessed.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

YOU Lord teach me to love.

Last night I laid in bed with a migraine praying Sophie would go to sleep. I wanted to puke the pain was so intense. Ian crawled in bed & said nothing. I whispered to him Ian, and he answered yes momma, I said pray for me please my head is hurting so badly. He said I will and drifted off to sleep.

This morning I was dealing with an old situation and my nerves were shot, I was trying to get to work, 2 kids to school (1 which is sick & had to go to the dr) & 1 to mawmaws.

At one point it was just me and Ian. I said, “buddy, I need you to pray for me, I just don’t feel like I can keep up.” He said, “momma, I will and I prayed last night too for you.” I love him so much.

He is only 7 and he is the man of our house. I say probably too much to him for his age, but when you are the only adult and need someone to just listen it happens.

We walked out the door and got in the car to leave, at 1 point it was just Ian and I again and I closed my eyes. I prayed, a deep prayer, a prayer that covered us all & begged for God’s Grace and help in my day.

I know parenting doesn’t come with a manual and I know we shouldn’t compare ourselves with others. I know that like I know my name. But then why do I feel I’m doing this wrong? That I don’t measure up in this life?

Lord, I don’t know the answers to those questions. I also am not sure I know how to love. Loving my children is natural, it’s like breathing without it I would die. It’s not a thought or a choice.

But loving another? That’s a choice you make. When my grandparents were married, they didn’t make the right choice about loving the other one. They shared a very hard and abusive relationship. My parents, don’t choose love, they too have a harsh relationship, not physically but mentally. My marriage ended because my ex-husband didn’t choose loving us over a life of less responsibility. And Sophie’s dad, chose alcohol over choosing to love.

So Lord, I’m looking to YOU. I know I see love when I think that you bear my burdens, and cry along side of me, that YOU care when I’ve had a bad day & when I don’t know what to do, when I feel lonely, and without options.

YOU Lord, YOU bore it all on a cross. YOU said that “Val, she’s worth it.” The lashes, the punishment, the pain, all of it. YOU show me love when I think of the cross.

YOU are my desire. YOU are the one I need to take my hand today, right now, right here, and help me. Lord, I’m not alone I know. I read about it every day that there are other momma’s out there just like me. But our battles are lonely battles. Help us Lord, help us to see love and know that there is life beyond the dishes, the laundry, and the daily grind.


Bless me Father so that I may in turn bless someone else.

Much love, me.