Friday, August 29, 2014

I choose YOU

I've heard the word "mommy" probably 100 times in about an hour time.

My nerves are so shot.

I love being a mom, and I love my kids.

Recently I've battled to find peace in my life and my search has not yielded much.

Am I looking in the wrong places? Is Satan battling me so hard that I am trying to just breathe? Is this a test? Am I going to survive this? because I really don't think I am right now.

I have to give myself a break I know. I'm dealing with a near 2 yo and a near 11 yo and an 8 yo and a dying dog, and a puppy, 40 hour work week, and a child visitation case.

I use to think, "If I only had a husband to help me through my day's". I no longer long for a husband, my help can't come from earth. The only one who can help me with all that above must have ability far greater than all that mortal man can conceive.

I need help from YOU God. I need peace that only YOU can give. I need YOU to hold my hand and lead me. I have to have an attorney for the visitation situation but YOU Lord are my GREAT COUNSELOR! YOU LORD!



Much love, me.

Thursday, August 28, 2014


So last weekend Kennedy asked if we could start going to church on Wednesday nights. Awe! I thought! How terrific! YES I wanted to scream & jump around! But being cool and calm I said, absolutely!

As terrific as it was on Sunday, it was rough last night.

I say this to give you an idea of the wrestling match that in sued in my pew, there was no childcare and it was creeping up on bedtime. Wasn't a good idea.

I realized that I have to start saying NO to running to every single place that I feel I have to go to or that the kids feel they have to go to.

Even as wonderful as the idea of being in church on a Wednesday night is, for a single mom of 3 kids (and often more with the neighborhood kids too) I simply can't pull it off.

I am a slow learner and maybe in the fall when Wednesday night childcare starts up again we will try it again. UGH.

My heart says I wanna, but in the end of the day I just am not the person I need to be to pull off another night like last night.

Please help me figure this out Lord!

Much love, me.

Monday, August 25, 2014

the fight for Sophie.

Somedays it's just hard.

Sophie's biological grandparents are fighting me for visitation.

There aren't words to describe my hurt inside.

My questions for God.

I have nothing but the hope and promises that God has given me.


Thursday, August 14, 2014

My daily prayer.

Good morning Lord.

Today is a busy crazy day. I seek your presence, peace and protection over my children and I.

Thank You for last night and the company my table held, I pray over her life and her family. Her decisions, her Lord. Guide her in the ways that YOU house she walk.

Lord, I pray for those with brokenness inside them, for You hold the answers to healing and moving onto the next minute.

I pray for those who fight the silent battle of depression. The battle is real.

I pray for those who have hurt me that I may seek YOUR example and forgive.

I pray for my parents who have had to step in so many times and in so many ways and help me. Thank YOU.

Help me lead my children through these days. They are YOUR children first and mine second. So I only want to do right.

Much love, me.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Flowers from God.

I sit here typing, knowing that at any minute little people will come waltzing through my door & my time will be a memory.

TV's on silent & the only noise is the one of the fan.

My body is tired and the daylight seems like it's never gonna fade into darkness so that I can convince my kids it's bedtime.

I haven't mention this but a week ago I got a call.

A flower shop here in town called me and I missed the call.

So eagerly I called them back wondering who could have sent me flowers? A friend, a secret admirer? this guy?

They answered and explained to me that in December I was sent flowers that were never paid for and they needed payment.

I made arrangements and thanked God for the flowers and told HIM that they were beautiful and they did make me smile.

I had to take a step backwards and breathe again.

Those were some difficult times in my life and I thank God for my children and for the GRACE that God gave to me at a time when I lost my way.

I prayed early last fall for God to give me "dreams" again because after my divorce I went into survival mode and quit dreaming. I kept reading how other people had dreams and ideas for their future. Me, the future for me consisted of a pillow and blanket in a dark room. I didn't act much beyond taking care of my kids and crawling into bed.

God took me on a journey, it had its highs and lows and for a long time I lost myself.

Then God shined a light on some things and I stopped breathing for a while. I caught my breath, gave HIM Praise and took HIS hand.

By HIS Grace I made it to today, August 12, 2014.

Not sure where I am about making dreams for me and my kids and our future. HE made me a promise that HE knows my future and it will be good. So it's in HIS hands.

I will pay the flower bill and I will pay it because God blessed me with some beautiful flowers for a time in my life.

Lord, just grant me wisdom next time please.

Much love, me.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

What I learned in July

1. Being sick is terrible.

2. That when you feel like things are stacked against you, and you tell a bunch of people the list again and again…your anxiety grows! So it's best to say YOU know Lord, and "let it go!" (as per FROZEN the movie).

3. That the words "let it go" have been said a million times in this house. 

4. That sometimes your mom can be your mom & she's the best mom in the world.

5. That watching your parents hurt because you hurt…hurts.

6. That changing your prayer life, is life changing.

7. That flying an american flag is A W E S O M E.

8. That watching hummingbirds makes me smile.

9. That work is work and life is life and the 2 should remain separate!

10. That it's okay to cry.

11. That Shrek the play that the kids in the community put on this year has some very great points to a momma of 3 kids! LOL!

12. That working out is a necessity to my mental health as much as my physical health.

13. That finding a guy isn't a job for me.

14. That I can take 6 kids to Chucky Cheese & the park and survive. (But not something I want to do everyday!)

15. Watching your nearly 2 year old dance is cute! Watching your nearly 2 year old dance in bed at 1:30 AM because your neighbor is having a party isn't.

16. That you can't pick up your sword and shield and your cross too. Pick wisely!

17. I'm blessed and my wants and needs have been met! All of them.

I'm sure there are a million others! But breakfast time!

Much love, me.