Tuesday, May 26, 2015

3:45 AM Confessional

This has been the longest weekend...

I am not sure where I could have imagined myself other than here at 3:45 AM but sitting in front of this tiny screen typing my heart out trying to figure out how I got to this place in my life.

Being a single mom is the hardest thing in the world to handle. I believe it is something that can be accomplished with grace and poise but to do so one must be willing to hide everything, everything under the covers.

During this journey through "troubled waters" as the bible calls it, I have had a history of pushing back and eliminating all those who hurt me. I use to imagine it as a crossing out of such when I was younger. I have positioned myself to mentally eliminate those who hurt me so that I don't revisit that painful time.

But what do you do when those who hurt you happen to be your own flesh and blood. When they, without meaning, say something that rocks you to the core. That sends you to the couch for the rest of the day and mentally has put you in a place of sadness.

Is that how she sees me? Is that how I am to her? Does she see my balance and my deciding factors depending on that piece of the puzzle? Probably not, and I'm most assuredly just an emotional mess. Hormonal menopausal hell is tricky. Trying to figure out how to navigate it is a game that right now I'm not in control of and that my friend isn't good.

So I sit here, head pounding from hours of crying wide eyed at this insane hour, thinking I want a cup of coffee (not going there). I never imagined myself at 42 years old trying to find someone to date, trying to validate my feelings of needing to be accepted. I just didn't think that was in my future. But it was. I spend much of my time raising kids and telling myself that I am ok, that online dating is acceptable, and honestly saying day after day, "I know it's today", only to once again have yet another 24 hours of nope it's not maybe tomorrow thinking.

Oh the garbage of "quit looking" it will happen flows from everyone, or the infamous raise your kids and then find someone. That's is all really great advice, from someone who didn't raise their kids as a single mom. Who spent their days loved by their husband.

Everyone needs affirmation, everyone needs to feel that they are loved. Oh yes the "you must love yourself first" garbage. Yes. I love myself. I don't like who I can be pushed to become at times no. But when a 2 year old stands screaming like a banshee for 5 minutes, you are pushed to the point of wanting to run screaming down the road or having to handle it and handling it, sometimes isn't pretty. Hell, mothering isn't pretty I have been in my pj's for well over 24 hours now.

So about an hour ago a thought popped up. What would I change in this life to make things more able to be tolerated and lived different...there is very little to be honest (which is quite surprising to me).

1. I think all the work that being a single mom takes, is daunting and without some kind of balance of work and play (to use a simple word) will destroy a perosn. I spend my days with my children and my neighbor Patti. Patti is a widow of close to 75 years old. While there is wisdom in her, she is a woman who is waiting to die so that she can see her husband again. She feels her days have no meaning, and it is a very sad situation. I love Patti and my children do as well. But I need to be around more people who have a positive spin on this harsh life. I need words of affirmation and encouragment, and a locker room pep talk, the kind that leaves you sparing in the hallway before a boxing match. Especially now. More than ever now.

2. The time I spend on social media needs to be cut down. It's easy to get caught up on the day to day of the internet world. But that is a cold and lonely world. There's no personal touch. No hugs, no pat on the backs, etc...You can be a hit on fb for a day, but you are still on the couch in your jammies in a house with no one to physically touch.

I see changes in my life soon and while some changes require diligence and patience I know it won't be easy. But I am anxious to smile again. To find me again, to love me again. Alone or not.

Love me.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

A visit from...me

I love to journal, blogging well has taken a backseat as of recent. But I do and I journal everywhere. It’s an escape. It’s a therapy session of such.

Today I stumbled upon one of my notebooks where I journaled. 2 years ago I journaled, the same situations with the same thorns as I feel today, still.

It along with other things brought back hurt. It took my breath, making me thing back where I was and ….

I don’t share many things one on one with nearly anyone. I have best friends, but I’m VERY guarded. Very.

No one knows the whole story. No one.

So when I hurt because of some of the reason’s I’m so guarded, I just deal with it. When I look in the mirror, I see the girl with the broken heart, red eyed. I recall so many things in my past that make me stumble and say wait a minute. But I kept quiet and let them rave, I kept to myself and walked away. Not because I didn’t have a response but because they aren’t worth it.

Family. Funny word I think. Something I feel I’ve outgrown. I’ve outgrown and stepped into the world of reality. Where just because we share the same blood doesn’t mean we share the same life. Family. They are the ones who dig the knife in the deepest. Who twist it with a vengeance. Who intend for it to hurt and laugh while doing it. They will reap what they sow and I will pray for them all along the way, begging God to help them because I HOPE “they know not what they are doing”. I hope.

And as I pray, I will not allow myself to be there with them. Not at a holiday or celebration. I will not. I cannot. 

I’m not the things they say. I’m a person. I’m a good person. I’m a child of God. Chosen. Not whole anymore, but broken, but still a person. And while I am alone, God has not left me. Somehow HE promises I will be okay. That I HOPE, as well.

I know my journey, I know what hurt me, I know how much I am responsible for and I own that. I also know that God is here with me and with all my tears and questions, doubts, and fist pounding anger HE doesn’t shake HIS head at me. HE isn’t ashamed of me. 

When we can’t find Sophie’s shoes, HE doesn’t say why don’t you get it together?
When I have 50 tons of laundry, HE doesn’t say “you have got to be kidding me!”
When I just need another set of hands, HE doesn’t say “why can’t you do this on your own?”
When I struggle with life, HE doesn’t say “raise your own kids and get off you’re a!@!”
When I just need to share something with someone, HE doesn’t say “I have no idea what you are talking about”. 

See HE isn’t, HE IS... my everything.

I don’t know what has me where I am, I don’t know why I can’t have the hurts be amnesia’ed out of my life so that I can just survive this part without continuing to hurt. But I am here.

I thought recently about the past few years. I had a time when I didn’t have any dreams (some days I’m still there, pain will do that to you, it numbs you). Then my life took a good turn (or so I thought), months later dreams smashed. I still find myself wondering what are my dreams, what am I destined for? Am I ever going to make it out of survival mode? I want my smile back, I want to breathe again, I want to say, believe and know that I’m good. Will I make it? God says have faith. Even as small as a mustard seed. 

Somehow I will make it. I will be ok. I will be blessed with the Lord’s Favor far beyond those critics imagination, all because “the Lord has anointed me” Isaiah 61 reminds me of HIS promise and I cling, sometimes by my fingernails but I cling.

Much love, me.