Friday, January 29, 2016


Want to know how to get me mad??? Belittle me. Make the work and the struggle seem not important. Tell me that I create these situations up. Do that and I will be steaming hot mad.

So mad that I start to question everything and I quickly draw a line in the sand and build my walls a little taller and a little thicker.

Do that and let those who are around me not support me, and it hurts deeper and my walls get thicker and even taller.

Do that and I stand at the throne and say "but God..."

Nothing rocks me further to the core than that, and it destroys a lot. It erases the ground I have made on coming out of this tomb I've built thinking I was saving myself.

I'm tired of not having the strength to battle these battles without tears.



Over this.



Thursday, January 28, 2016

A little love goes a long way

Sooo. Today I feel as though someone poured concrete in my head. Ugh...the agony of it all...I know there are a lot worse things than a head cold.

Today in the midst of getting us out the door and in the wonder of making it out the door, and not having to go back for anyone I forgot, not anything anyone forgot, I made sure to give thanks for our heat!!! Minuscule I know but when you go without you understand the blessing!! I thank HIM for my dishwasher and my laundry appliances on a lot of days as well.

I also realized in the rush of things that the slightest acknowledgement of any kind of positive reinforcement can be a great thing. It's important in these days of hard times that we notice something positive and tell another person those things in hopes that it will uplift them.

A little love goes a long way...

Much love, me.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016


Yes busy momma, I know. You are tired. Me too.

Last night was an up and down all night with my 3 year old so I understand. Today's been a long day here and focusing hasn't been a strong point for me today. The coffee didn't last and lunch was very yummy but made me want to curl into a cocoon even more.

The thought of even fixing food for dinner is not something I can even comprehend, I want to scream really I have to feed little people tonight???

Within the last week we have had a snowstorm that took us out of school for 3 days, the emerging of friends through my door has seemed to be non stop. The food supply is nil, and the drinks are now down to water from the faucet, and I seem to keep finding clothing that is not belonging to my family. No kidding one day I found shoes! Who went home without shoes!!!! And speaking of clothing, my daughters seem to multiply like rabbits. Honestly. 

So I feel your pain when you discover a valentine's box has to be made, and your son wants a school bus box...ok...thank God for Pinterest...and your daughter says they have a pirate dance coming up (WHAT!!!???)

I can hardly envision those things with this grey haze of needing to sleep and knowing it will be hours til it happens. But motherhood isn't for the faint of heart, nor does it take heed to the sleepy. We must trudge onward and reach the goal of full bellies, with clean clothes, and matching shoes.

So busy momma, I know. It will be ok at some point it will be ok...I look at being ok like it is a destination...if you get there before I do send me a smoke signal of some kind to let me know I'm close please & I will gladly do the same for you!!!

Much Love, me.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Having a bad day doesn't really mean you have a bad life...

Today I still keep waiting for that call…that attitude…the condemnation.

My friend once went to a therapist and was asked how have you been, my friend replied “good, but I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop”. The therapist replied, “why? It’s ok to have a good day, and it’s ok that sometimes bad things happen.” Having a bad day, doesn’t mean you have a bad life right?!!!!

So yes the call may come and the attitude, and the condemnation, and a ton of other yuck…but God directs me and holds me up when I can no longer stand.

Last night was bad.

I told my friend I wanted to run away, he asked if he could come too. I said no. I truly mean it too. Nothing against him, but my fantasy of running away to a quiet place where I snuggle with books and hot coffee and music I can sing as loud as I want too, is my heaven. It’s where I am at peace. I can’t take anyone there. This has upset him and he no longer is speaking to me. Sorry no amount of guilt will wreck my peaceful retreat.

In my breaking a part last night I tried to explain why I was so hurt, I got the I will always stand beside you…blah blah blah…yes I was in that mood and quickly shot back…yeah heard that before…yeah I know…but when you are in the fire and feeling the flames the last thing you want to hear is “next time I will….”. Let’s make sure there isn’t a next time!! That seems to be more my answer.

Being an independent momma for 5 years is really really hard to believe and fall into the chitter chatter of someone who doesn’t understand the full concept of responsibility.

To someone who has not had to lean on the shoulder of God or be carried through the moments that seem to last forever there simply is no understanding. Walk that walk, look beside you and see no one around EXCEPT for God and you will soon realize who you can count on. Cry at night, see who is there. God is it and I have had to lean into HIM to simply take steps, I have had to ask HIM to blink, move my lungs, make my heart beat because I have been simply without anything in me to do that. When I’m there, in the depths of despair, HE answered the call every time.

Every single time.

Much Love, Me.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

CPR from God

Feel the preserving encircling of Christ around you and start praying and praising and thanking and worshipping. Stand in the rising, twisting storm — and let Him gently wring an unforgettable worship from our hearts.

These words came from Ann Voskamp blog Holy Experience

The wring that it is referring to is the tears we shed. Sometimes the ones we just simply cannot stop. That was the case this weekend. When I went to bed on Saturday evening I thought something just isn’t sounding right with the furnace. But gave it to God to deal with and tried to sleep. At 12:30 AM still sounded terrible. At 3 AM I woke to a room of smoke and quickly called my parents, and carried Sophie out the door. The furnace quit. A fire inside burnt wires up, a motor ruined and something called a blower box. Around $700.

Later that same day I lost power at part of my house and found a power strip overheating and throwing sparks and smoking. The emotions of having to figure out all this lowered me to my face.
I couldn’t function, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t…and God knew it.

HE took over, HE caused me to survive a very difficult week. I praise God from this side of those days that HE gave me the strength of my dad and the help of him as well.

When I think of the things that could have happened I’m sick inside again and my thoughts seem to stop and God comes in touches me and I breathe again.

God is giving me CPR (Constantly Providing Relief) quite frequently now. The nudge, a sign, a thought, anything that keeps me saying “ah it’s YOU”.

That’s where I am at. Leaning on the everlasting arms…repeating, rejoicing with the verse from “Victory In Jesus”, especially the lines of “And then I cried, "Dear Jesus,
Come and heal my broken spirit,"
And somehow Jesus came and brought
To me the victory.”

All God’s doing not any of my own. I’m blessed, I struggle, I cry, I wonder, and I may question, but. I. Am. Blessed.

Much love, Me.