This little light of mine...

I've been battling with depression and anxiety for a while now.

I've been doubting myself and I've been wondering if I were losing my mind.

I've been thinking what is wrong with me?

The bottom of the barrel. Survival mode again. Its been years since I've been there but I've been there before. It was right after my divorce. I would come home and take my kids and crawl into bed. We ate there, we watched tv there, and we talked and all along I survived there.

This time my survival mode took me down and I now with 3 kids and older that isn't an option. I have to keep going after I leave work.

I've been trying to figure out what was my trigger, what set this off? Months of wondering this, months of prayer, petition, months of fighting to just survive. Months. Months of wondering what had this power to bring me back to the hell of survival mode.

I've gotten answers lately.

God is so good to reveal to us what we need to know when we need to know it.

God has broken my heart to help others and through this desire to help others I worked with a great group to do that. But within that group things didn't add up to God, and I started to say "wait what?" to myself more often. In my world, in my work, in my breath and my soul I want my light to shine so that when you see the shadow puppet you see God.

When things began to happen in our group of "good" God was no longer given a place to stand. God wasn't allowed to be spoken. When the mission of our group was being extinguished, my soul broke. At first I kept quiet. I thought I would continue the message and shine my light.

Then someone put a cover over might little light, they wanted to put my fire out. "Don't open a can of worms" was used when someone once approached the group to preach the gospel. Ugh what????

Still I kept thinking, God I can do this... God finally said watch Val.

I became attacked. Personally, one of the most vile, unchristian man, evil man began to attack me and my work. Literally, he came to my job and wanted to speak about me being unprofessional. He wanted my job. (I thought I was over reacting, no he spoke agreeing that was his agenda to my boss).

When I called out the man as his works being infected by the devil I was asked to pleas not use that word around him so it wouldn't hurt him, I was asked to be a Christian and apologize to him. Yes you read that right I was asked to apologize to him. I wrestled with the devil that night, all night.

But I got up the next morning and said NO.

I can't deny my God, and I will not deny there being a devil. The devil does walk around us, does prowl and does seek to devour. We all know those words, all heard our pastors talk of them, but when he does walk around you so close you feel his breath on your neck, when you watch his antics, and listen to his directions that you are expected to follow... you know he is real.

I've battled this anxiety and depression for a while now, thinking something was wrong with me. All along I was thinking I was crazy. I was not going to come out of this. My kids have seen me break down, my parents have watched me cry, all this time I kept wondering what was going on with me. I've become short tempered and unable to handle things that I should be able.

You see, that's what a sociopath does, that is what the devil will do. They (being the same person) will pressure you to perform, pressure you to do, act, and walk like they want you to, they will demand you PRODUCE good works and then take the credit. They will beat you down subtly until you are clawing yourself to just survive. They will make you doubt who you are, your desires, your God giving ability to make enough light to let the shadow puppet of God's goodness come out of your lantern. They will convince you to put that cover on that light, and if you do... things will be better, "that's what we need is things to be better", make you feel like it's all in your hands and on your shoulders. The weight of the whole program is on your shoulders, in fact the words "I cannot be a part of the program who works like this" were spoken about me to me. It was up to me to fix this.

Even as I type these words, hands shaking, I'm sick to my stomach reliving this, knowing now what I didn't then.

I'm free from this hell I've been in. Twice I've been to the altar, twice I've laid it down, and twice I've walked away knowing I'm being freed. If I have to go to the altar 100 more times I will. I've ended this. I said no more. I've walked away.

This little light of mine. I'm going to let it shine. I love you Lord and my purpose is to be put in a place to honor YOU and all YOU have done in my life and be someone who can testify to others about my journey and let them know it was because of YOU that I survived.

It's ALL about YOU Lord.
YOU.
Much love, me.

Noise

I once had a friend who told me about Noise and how it was so deafening. How it is the equivalent of drama.

I'm ending a relationship with a group of people that I have worked with for nearly 2 years on a project. One of the relationships in the group has become toxic. As much as I try to keep it from infecting my heart, I simply cannot keep in that relationship.

I have full belief that God will continue to use me in his ministry.

I'm not leaving God, I'm in fact following HIM closer. He said "come" and I say "Yes Lord".

It's my word from him. It's my call HE gives.

There has been some grieving the splitting from this group, but better, brighter, bigger things are ahead for me.

Watch and see where HE leads me....

Here we go again...

Hey it's the last night of Christmas Break and the decorations are all put away and the week is looking crazy as usual, and here we go.

I have a doctor appointment on Tuesday and am hoping for answers! I feel like a better me. So let's see how this goes.

I have been trying to understand the "triggers" to my hiccups...

I've also been trying to distance myself from jerks.

I'm ok with being a homebody, if it means I'm not dealing with drama and difficult people.

So ending this busy day with hopes of a good week and a pat on my back for surviving this break!

XOXO
Me.