Sunday, March 30, 2014

It's Sunday

It's early Lord. Like 7:21 AM early. How, oh how I wish I were still sleeping instead of up, with 1 cup of coffee downed & listening to the kids argue already.

I've decided we are going to church today & I'm nervous about it. It's such a challenge to take Sophie to church but I'm hopeful that the nursery will be a fit for her & that I will be able to listen to the sermon. I so need to hear YOUR Word Lord. I need the worship time to feel the beats inside my soul. I need to be infused with YOUR promises again Lord, because I feel like I've lost them somewhere down the way. I'm here Lord, ready to feel YOUR Hand in mine & feel you whispering when I need it & yelling at the other times that YOU are still here with me. That I'm truly not alone and that this "single mother-ville" that I live in isn't my forever zip code.

There are days when I beg for someone to help me. Thank YOU for not listening & granting me that prayer, I don't need someone I need YOU.

I fall asleep most nights knowing that the pink chair in my room is occupied by YOU and that YOU are watching over me and YOUR children that YOU have entrusted me with. It's a comforting thought that lets me breathe easier and go to sleep.

Tomorrow I take the kids on my first overnight trip at a hotel. I'm scared I will admit it. Traveling with kids alone & then going to a hotel alone. Its a bit overwhelming to think of it all, but I have to get 1 trip under my belt. It's my desire to take them to the ocean & to do that I have to feel secure, so this is a learning experience for me on a smaller scale.

There's a ton to do to get prepared, but it's do-able. And Lord I thank YOU for giving me the ability to take them.

I pray that YOU will help me get through these years of discipling and training these 3 kids to grow into adults, or at least toddlers & kids who aren't bullies, or meanies, and are wise with their choices.

Well mommy-ville is calling so I must end this for now….

much love,
me


Friday, March 28, 2014

I'm worth more.

So this morning Lord I was reading and found on the Heart to Heart w/Holley Blog the following statement:

In all the moments of your life, you are a woman of grace and strength. Even when you feel weak, you have divine power within you that is able to get you through anything. And you are loved far more than you can even imagine. How you feel today, what you’re facing, even what others may say doesn’t change that—and never can.
Who you are is secure forever. And you are a daughter of God, a holy princess, a woman who is chosen and cherished. Nothing and no one can take that away from you. You have within you a God who is bigger than your bad days and stronger than your circumstances, and he will never let you go. He has promised that nothing will defeat you and no one can stand against you.
Guess YOU knew I needed that reminder. 
Spring Break Vacation starts today at 2 PM & I so need it. Mentally, physically, and spiritually I am wore out & need that time away. 
I was asked out, but its not a fit for forever, and I don't play around so I'm declining. I worth more Lord, I hear YOU reminding me of that. My fear of being alone is far out weighed by my fear of being hurt again and neither is worth the chance on that situation. I have a M A J O R trust issue, (yes insert laugh), right now & so I'm not feeling secure that the line I'm being fed is the truth so that ended that.
Well, must be getting off here, it was a VERY VERY VERY long night major storm woke all 3 kids up & they were in a massive panic. I must admit, I was scared too. It was bad & then all the sudden complete quiet & I thought OMG No! But no weather reports were issued & no warnings given so I settled them all down & finally we went back to sleep.
Thank you Lord. YOU are all I have.
Much love, me.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

First night without children….awww the Queen of my own bed!

Good Morning Lord,

It's the morning after my first night without kids.

There was no sleeping in for me, I've already been up working and getting a letter out for a bid proposal for work. But sleep was glorious.

I must admit that I had a bit of an anxiety attack when I seen a family with small children in the lobby, I missed them terribly. But settled into bed and quickly relaxed and watched an entire, 2 actually, tv show.

The drive here was 4.5 hours long and was horribly quiet at points. I thought to myself, if I were alone I'd be singing. But I was a wise car host and didn't belt out any songs…for her ears sake. But imagine our surprise when we arrived and discovered only 1 bed…I love her since she's my cousin and all, but I wasn't sleeping with her on my first night in a year and half of no children. Wasn't happening, so a little switch a roo and all was well & I was the queen of my own bed!

I have falled for the new show called the Chrisley's (I think that's how you spell it), however my cousin just didn't love it as much as I did, that reality tv wasn't her cup of tea. But I wondered why do I love these shows, I think its because I love seeing dysfunctional families! Makes me feel normal. Sometimes you just want to fit in so badly that fitting in in the dysfunctional family realm is where you find yourself. (Thinking that is probably not such a good thing…huh…).

Anyway, today is the food show and my mind is so set on going home that I'm read to get this baby underway, I love these things. These shows allow you to see great food, great ideas, great ways of using average products.

Our hotel is located on the Mississippi River and the view is beautiful. (My camera broke so no pictures for now but very awesome).

Thank YOU Lord for your blessing of safety and wisdom during this trip and I pray for my children and our return trip home. YOU are my all, without YOU I'm doomed to failure swift and simply put.

Thank YOU Father,
me.

Monday, March 24, 2014

thank YOU

Good evening Lord,

I'm finding myself in a really unusual place…Sophie's asleep and Ian & Kennedy are watching wrestling at my parents.

I could be up doing so many things but my heart just isn't in it.

I want to be here, thinking and praying.

You must be getting ready to do something magnificent in my life because I feel evil surrounding me more and more each day. The weekend was extremely difficult with babysitters backing out on me, a fight with my mom, terrible dealings with my ex, a fever with Sophie, exhaustion with Kennedy, a grumpy woman at the play, insanity at work & the hateful undertones. I know I have to have blinders on & focus, not on the carrot, but on the cross.

Lead me, just don't leave me. I'm scared. I fear not what others can do to me but how I can fail YOU and my children. People don't understand what I've been through recently and the condition of my heart. I think that my dad might and it makes me sad. Sad that he sees my hurt. But he doesn't say it & I won't say it. I have to keep going & eventually the hurt won't hurt near as badly.

Tomorrow I am going out of town for work for the night. I will spend 4.5 hrs in a car with my cousin and I will make conversation about everything, but these last few months. I will pretend and put on my smiling val face & pretend that my life is whole and complete & that I am ok. But inside I'm lost and struggling.

I prayed and prayed that if it weren't to be that you would take it away from me and remove it from my life, YOU did. Thank You for saving me in more ways than 1, thank You.

love much, me

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Noise, smiles, and still believing

Do you ever have days like mine?

If you don't, please just nod so that I don't feel so alone right now in this chaos of my life.

I look around my house & see chaos. I once someone I loved very much told me "Val, it's all noise, just block it out". He was right. But sometimes the noise gets so loud I think I've become deaf from it.

I hear women say, when my kids were young, my house was never clean either, and that reassurance that one day I will have clean floors and a sink empty of dishes, but for now that's not the case.

My laundry is everywhere and dishes too. But so are bicycles, shoes, kids, and …. smiles. As crazy as it all makes me, I will take them all.

I miss my kids terribly when they are at their "dad's" (I use that term louse, oh did I say louse? meant loosely).

Today is the last of the play's and as wonderful as it is, and it is! And those Munchkins are the cutest! Yes I'm partial. I'm exhausted and ready for a day off lol…so I can only imagine how the characters feel.

Well, I must get off here I have cookie duty for the play today and baths to give, but Lord I would be amiss if I didn't say that the verse that has been on my mind these last 2 days is

Phillippians 14 Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15 so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.

I'm just full of aggravation from so many around me that are causing my "NOISE" but I know YOU are telling me "not yet Val, not yet…I've got this remember." So Lord, I'm here still believing that YOU will defend, protect, and love me unconditionally no matter…

Thank you always
much love, me

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Anger, Frustration, Maddness, all directed at the Wicked Witch of the West

Sometimes I get so mad…I don't understand…

So you gave me a husband that cheated on me, ok ok for 11 months I said I wait Lord until YOU say it's ok for me to divorce. YOU did, so I did.

Then I am left raising the kids alone, because he has turned out to be such a louse. I say, ok ok just help me Lord. And YOU do.

Then enter an unplanned pregnancy. I say, ok ok it taught me total total dependance on YOU Lord, and I know my survival from sun up to sun up is ONLY because of YOU. So I am.

Then she arrives, and the underestimated challenge began, I say I can't…YOU say "you can't but I can!" and I say ok.

Lord, I've met all your challenges with obedience, some with hesitation, but I've learned from them.

So Lord…why the difficult mother too?

I left Ian & Sophie with her last night while I went to Kennedy's play. FYI…I offered her the tickets, she didn't want them…I ended up going with the neighbor lady Patty. I forewarned her this play is LONG! At 10:30 I'm pulling in the drive, my phone starts ringing & she is screaming at me, where are you! You have been gone too long!

Seriously Lord!

I wasn't bellied up to a bar, I was with my daughter & the elderly widowed lady from across the street. Where the heck did you think I was?

Why do I have to endure her crap? She is a terrible person! Why do I have to deal with the Wicked Witch of the West every single day. I do all this simply by YOUR help alone. YOU are my provider, but when do I get a brake from her wrath? I didn't deserve that phone call. My God I hadn't sat down or did anything for myself the entire day, in fact this is the first time I have had to myself in over 24 hours.

What in the world.

I don't understand. Am I being punished for something? What am I to learn from her evil words & hateful stares & condescending tones? I do the best I can, and I am still treated as dirt and a whore by my mother. The woman who is SUPPOSE to help me feel better about myself and love me unconditionally is the one with the biggest hammer and who swings it the hardest and fastest at me. Thank YOU for YOUR unconditional love, but it doesn't exist down here.

I am so hurt and so frustrated. I am treated no better than a girl who whores around and drinks herself into a stupor every day. I'm a good girl. Don't drink, or smoke, raise my kids alone, lean only on YOU. I don't have the ability to do anything else. WHY LORD! WHY!

Help me get a grip today with her, I want to slice her open with my words, I am so angry right now.

All night long I had nightmares because of her!

I am not the person she thinks I am. I am not & I'm tired of defending myself to her.

Lord she is treating YOUR daughter, to whom YOU chose, something awful. Please Lord, protect me. YOU are all I have.

Love me please, because I feel so alone right now…
me.

Friday, March 21, 2014

remembering love...

Good Morning Lord.

I'm here, E A R L Y!

It's really quiet here now & I'm grabbing some quiet time with you. There are things I cannot write or even say because my heart is so down right now, but its YOUR great love that knows and understands those things.

This is play weekend, so to have to explain how insane the times are and who is going to be where and by what time is impossible. Please Lord, don't let me forget anything.

Thanks Lord for helping me get Sophie's temperature down last night, it was borderline er visit and I don't like that at all.

I was reading off another blog and she spoke so wonderfully about being kind to ourselves and lightening up when we think of our own hearts. I see the meaning, but Lord, I don't know how to do this job and I feel I'm failing at it at a very high rate of speed. So please know I'm thankful for YOUR Grace, and even more thankful for YOUR unconditional love, and finally thankful that YOU won't give up on me. TOGETHER we can get these kids raised.

Lord, I keep thinking about Joseph and how long he waited before he found redemption and every day how hard it must have been for him to endure, not knowing what was next and knowing that he was unjustly there in those places. I'm sure he had to have screamed, "you don't understand!" or "you all have this all wrong!"…right?

This world is ugly. I watched yesterday as evil took yet another situation to it's side and I wanted to scream that isn't right, that is a bad decision, that is going to hurt that other person, but I couldn't for fear of the next person with a black mark. My words would have fallen on deaf ears, and we all just listened and quietly looked at each other and said OMG! Today will be a very very very difficult day for someone. I can't get her off my mind.

Then my cousin lost her son to his crippling disease. Her heart is broken.

I watched as the mystery surrounding the disappearance of a local girl was solved and her vehicle pulled from the local river, with her still in it. Her family has answers this morning, but also a broken heart.

I watched as a mistaken unfolded at work and the juggling of "it's not my fault, it's your job" was thrown around and around and around, words hurt, and they did yesterday amongst co-workers and it was ugly.

Difficult situations, life altering situations, emotions high and words many, with tempers flared are absolutely everywhere we look from across the road to across the globe. Lord, it's getting ugly down here. Please don't let us go. Hold on to us as each of us seek our time of redemption.

The most amazing thing about the Joseph story is that his redemption for himself and for his family came during a famine. During a time of without YOU gave them and their country an amazing turnaround all started by l o v e!

Help us to remember love in our day Lord!

Much love,
me

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Wide Open

Good Morning Lord.

The corner cafe, 
She scrapes some quarters off the table, 
Says thanks yeah now maybe I'll be able,
To get that black Mercedes,
I've been saving for, 
The other girls say, 
You outta undue a couple buttons,
Start showing off a little something, 
She says naw you go ahead, 
Think I'd rather stay poor,
See I'm just making rent, 
She said this ain't where my road ends

--From Jason Aldean's Wide Open

As I was working out yesterday this song came on my iPod & it has a familiar ring to it.

This life, it "ain't where my road ends" I stand here amongst so many that frustrate me that they go on and succeed, the girl at the gym who looks perfect but is cheating on her husband, the ugliness at work, the other single mothers who were dropped for a younger less responsible model, and the lies that others dish out knowing that hurting someone in the long run is the end result.

People just don't care anymore. 

Morals don't matter.

I have people say to me all the time, You have to get out more. 

I want to scream, "get out? into what? this garbage?"!

I've taken out the garbage from so much of my life and I don't need to replace it with other pieces. Lord, this life gets lonely. There are often days that I don't have an adult conversation with anyone, but let me say this too. I'd rather talk with children than with a liar so if that is what you are protecting me from I'm ok.

I know that there is some grandeur scheme up your sleeve, but until that day of revealing…please don't let me go. I'm scared, tired, and feeling like I'm making a mess of 3 really great kids. Help me please Lord.

Much love,
me.





Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Looking for help and hope...

Lord, I know there are far worse things in life than the chaos thats my life.

But Lord, today was hard too.

I don't understand.

My struggles I'm sure are for YOUR Glory, but it still hurts.

I don't understand.

I've tried to keep my children's lives as normal as possible & fill the gap that they lack from not having a dad.

But it's hard. I just can't figure out how to do it all.

I have battled the pity party for a couple days now & I have quoted scripture and praised YOU.
I had a migraine today, work was I N S A N E, and I had to make a 10 yo girl into a munchkin by 5:30, and get 3 kids fed as well.

I can't do this. I'm speaking honestly. I just can't. You will have too.

I'm done.

Please send me help and hope.

love, me.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

tired

Tonight Lord, I'm tired.

Physically, mentally, and Lord, I'm done.

My body is tired, my mind is gone, my eyes are tired of crying, and I'm done.

I don't understand so much of what is around me.

I'm tired of struggling.

I didn't ask for this to happen to me. The divorce, the unplanned pregnancy, the heartbreak, the hurt in my kids eyes when things didn't pan out.

I know there is a bigger purpose to this mess of a life, a grandeur scheme of things.

But tonight Lord.

I'm tired and sad.

Just get me through this night is all I ask. I will deal with tomorrow tomorrow, but tonight I've just got to survive.

waiting for the sunrise,

me.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Thanks Lord I needed that laugh!

video
They are my blessing!

Ian's words of wisdom for the week are:
1. I wish I could re-live yesterday, minus school & the bath.
2. I wish I was a dog, they don't have to go to school & they just walk around.


Thanks Lord!


A promise stronger than death...

Sometimes really nice days make me feel really alone in this world. Don't know why but it does.

This past situation was just another reminder of how someone else walked away from us leading the way of his departure with lies.

But as I was reading in my book today, there is someone who will never ever walk way from us, in fact HE is waiting for us.

Before my heart was broken by this last situation, it was given hope and made feel alive by someone very special to me.

Today this was what I read about death: Death seems to take so much. we bury not just a body but the wedding that didn't happen, the golden years we never knew. We bury dreams. But in heaven these dreams will come true. God has promised a "restoration of all things" (Acts 3:21). All things include all relationships! (from you'll get through this by Max Lucado)

What a promise.

A promise I can hold on too.

I have tried the online dating & am done with it. I was asked "just how did you end up with a 1 yo at 41 years of age?" That hurt.

How did I? God gave me her. He said you want someone to love you don't you? I said, "yes Lord
desperately", HE gave me Sophie.

How could I ever question that?


Saturday, March 15, 2014

wondering…stil...

I wrote this the other day...

In the midst of my dreams & ideals being crushed and falling apart I had a parent/teacher conference with my son’s teacher. Seems’ he is ADD. They are having to test him for this disorder in order for him to receive extra 1 on 1 help.

I have struggled with so much over these last few weeks.

Through this “situation” I found such promise and enjoyed speaking with 1 of the people, he was always so wise and so full of promise and he himself seemed to have a direct line to God. I truly believed he must have had one of those red phones that quarterbacks use to talk to the coaches in the booth. I believe DrJ (as I will call him) must have had a red phone in the closet that spoke directly to God.

I miss him a lot.

A lot.

My life was altered, and maybe it was all a farce, but whatever “they” call it I call it God altering.

Every so often in my day I will be stopped and my mind drifts to millions of memories or questions that I have and I just wonder.

Much like now…

Ugh.

Frustrating…

me.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Forgotten

Taken from my personal journal….

I feel like I'e lost so much. But I know how YOU work Lord. I know when I feel I've lost it's because my focus is changing and my gain will be so much greater.

One thing I loved is the idea of being protected. Most seen it as scary and an invasion, but for the most part it was nice. Now that too may have been a joke and if it was then so be it (just don't tell me), let me live that lie.

I keep coming back to that time in my life, guess its because it hurts so badly because so much has changed from then to now in such a short amount of time.

I feel what Joseph felt when he was in prison. Alone and forgotten.

That's the word…forgotten.

No one likes that. We all want to be thought of and remembered. No one want to feel invisible.

There is a line in a Lady Antebellum song that says "no one would notice if I left this town and never came back.

Today's realization is just that, I feel forgotten.

My life changed, the trash has been taken out.

Now what?

I feel forgotten in the prison cell of life.

Just waiting for the guard to open the door, YOU Lord are that guard! I know!!

Much love,
me.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Forgiveness

So yesterday I was talking with a co-worker and she said "look I'm concerned that you have so much anger inside of you right now because of the betrayal of your friend".  She said you are going to have to do something to release that anger.

I went back to my office and sent the "friend" who went to my ex-husband a text message that said basically, I don't know how you could have done what you did to me, that I thought you thought more of our friendship and relationship to have done that, that you have ok'ed your actions by saying "I was worried" when you were very very wrong. She stood by her choice and finally said I'm sorry & I would like to meet up with you.

I don't know that that will ever happen. The trust is gone.

Am I angry?

No not really, I'm numb to it. I really feel indifferent.

So last night I was reading about Joseph & the betrayal he felt with his brothers & how he was faced with what to do when they returned to him seeking help through the famine.

As someone who has been betrayed, and I'm sure I'm not alone, my inner peace doesn't really find much solace in the fact that God will repay their evil. I'm an impatient person (lol really!), I want the swift hand of justice here and now & with great force. But God's not like that.

This book reminds me of that. Because last nights chapter was all about revenge (ironically!).

There is a part that reads: "Unlike us, God never gives up on a person. Never. Long after we have moved on, God is still there, probing the conscience, stirring conditions, always orchestrating redemption. Fix your enemies? That's God's job."

I'm trying to forgive her for what she did. I'm successful somedays, some moments, then I fail at others. But I'm trying. I lost a friend, or the idea of a friend because no friend would have done that.

I feel very alone, but I guess that Joseph did as well. And when I really seek I see that Jesus was betrayed and he so knows what I'm feeling as well.

Must go…more later…
(ps the quote came from Max Lucado's "you'll get through this")

Much love, me.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Just a thought or 2

The weather is wild today, yes it's only 6:30 AM but the wind has been strong all night.

The massive drop in temperature has left my head pounding with a deep pain. UGH…

But I had to stop here & say Good Morning.

I hope that today blesses us all with peace. I hope that God grants us all with love, HIS love. The kind that makes you smile because you know HE has you in his hand and heart all day.

Last night I was overwhelmed, and to a point still am. I want to curl up in bed & get through this time but 3 kids and God's desire for me to be better won't let me, so I will get up & tame this hair & truck on down to work. Where I hope to be able to get some stuff done.

I'm blessed beyonds words, and even though I've hit a rough patch, I know that God has me hand in hand.

Have a blessed day & if HE blesses you, bless someone else…

Much love,
me.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Calendars, Ex's, and Dreams...

It's me again Lord.

Sophie's in the tub & I'm here, struggling to breathe today.

The calendar keeps filling up, do this for this one, take this one here, that one there. It's 6:45 PM & I've just sat down from work.

Thank you for the beautiful weather, we are blessed. So very blessed.

I joined a gym & go on my lunch hour, I had too. I had so much frustration built up I need to get it out of my system.

Yesterday I received a text from my ex-best friend Ryan, her message was "I miss you". I texted her back, is this a joke? I mean come on. You call my ex-husband and tell your version of my life to him (he doesn't need to know any version!), and when I confront you, you avoid the fact that what you did was wrong. And now you miss me. Huh. Wow, that sucks. But I don't feel anything for you.

I was right, I do have someone who is interested in my house. But now Lord its up to YOU to deliver me my house. I will wait til you do. When I see the cows I will know that "this is it!". I'm so excited. So excited!!!!!

Lord the dream is there. Thank you!!!

Well, bath time is done & she is hiking her leg to get out of the tub so I must head off.

My life isn't the same as a year ago, and Lord…I'm so glad!

Much love, me.

Monday, March 10, 2014

A letter from me to "you"

My heart broke again yesterday, ok ok a couple of times yesterday I’m sure I’m still very hormonal with all the garbage that this aging body is going through, but a tear is a tear and a pain in the heart where you struggle to breathe is still pain.

I don’t know who reads this, maybe nobody. But on the slight chance that it is “somebody” this is for you.

You were a part of my life and the life of my children long enough for us to love you. Not just you, but your family, and your life, and the idea of dreams. We loved it all. The plans we all made were as set in our minds as our trip to Disney is.

You made an impression on our lives. The one before you planted the seeds of dreams & hope, and you watered it & made them grow.

Then things happened, some of…ok a lot of…I don’t understand. There was a change and things got hard on me emotionally. It just was hard.

I don’t know why things changed.

I know I was blamed, but I really think as much as I walked softly through that situation, I hope that you will step in my shoes & understand my view too. Lot’s of hurt, lots of it. But I stuffed it down deep & tried to be patient (which we know is not a virtue of mine), tried to be understanding because you weren’t feeling well.

I wanted to run off & find someone to say “It’s going to be okay”, I couldn’t. This situation showed me that I had a lot of people around me that didn’t love me, and proved that, ask my ex husband.

God has used this situation to take out the “garbage” in my life. I’ve never felt more alone, I have to go on I don’t have a choice. So I wipe my tears, & go on.

I will make it through this, but I will never ever ever be the same after this. I am a changed person, and I hope for the better. Guess God will let me know that.

You hurt me, but I forgive you because I am stronger and more focused now on my life and finding my dream. I will live where I can watch the cows one day & I will smile at that sunset over the mountains and I will praise God because of you all who brought back my ability to dream and have hope.

I miss you dearly. More than you can ever imagine. Ever. Even though I have so many questions I cling to what I know is true. That God delivered you to me for a purpose and a reason, and a season. And if God ever should bring you to me, I will hug you so hard and…well who knows.

Much love from me to you.

Me.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Done.

Omg.

I didn't expect it.

But I got it.

Sometimes God seems to pour salt in our wounds & we wonder why. Why do I face this again.

What did I do to deserve this. Why do I have so many questions and no answers.

I loved like you said Lord. I believed without a doubt Lord. I hoped Lord. I made dreams Lord.

I prayed Lord. I followed YOUR Word Lord.

And yet here I am in tears again with a throbbing headache and even more questions.

I'm done with love. I'm through. I can't hurt anymore like this, it's not worth it.

Help me survive this Lord. My heart is broke.

me.
616hbg@gmail.com

PLEASE

OMG

If by chance one of the people who sees this blog know me & know about the situation in my recent past.

Please somehow contact me.

Please. I beg please.

Grillin' & Cryin'

Today I hit a rough patch, these come every so often, and in the most of unusual ways.

I needed to buy a grill, I put it off b/c you know I was suppose to be moving…lol. But I had to do it, I needed it. So Sophie & I headed off to the store to buy one.

One problem.

They don't sell them assembled.

To a single momma, with no ability to know how to put things together. I didn't have much of a choice but to get 1 in the box.

I cried all the way home. I know stupid. But facing that task with 100's of parts overwhelmed me & I hadn't even cracked open the box yet.

One call to my cousin & I was able to drop it off & run away before they asked…have you been crying?

I will get through this won't I?

me.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

??????????

So tonight I took a step out of my comfort zone & went out.

I never go out.

Tonight I did, we went to Paducah & went out to listen to a band & eat. Then we stopped in at another place & listened to another band.

I don't drink so it wasn't that kind of a night for me.

The girlfriend I went with is very active on the dating scene & with the guys. Me not so much. I missed my Sophie so much.

Plus I missed the life I had built up for myself in my dreams (you know the ones that were crushed).

It was fun listening to the bands, but not watching the people. UGH. This isn't for me.

Lord, I don't understand….

Me.

Discovering I'm worth it!

I'm up, it's 3 am, it seems a different date on the calendar but the same day in day out.

I'm really a mess lately.

My kids were gone an hour & half & I was asleep in bed w/Sophie.

How sad is that?

Then when she is fussy & up at 2:30 am, I'm frustrated because I want to sleep. So here I am up at 3 am, and wondering what man would want this mess? What person would say, I want that kind of chaos in my life? Hence all the ones who walked away.

I think of all the things that Tim did, Richie did & said & the garbage I put up with with the last one. The things he said, that he said he KNEW to be true, weren't. He didn't know my heart, what he read or believed from putting pieces together weren't the me I am. So I sat and listened to a man say, you loved this, you did that, you felt this, you felt that. He didn't know how I felt. He has never walked in my shoes. He judged me for things that happened over 20 years ago. All the while deceiving me & lying to me. I endured pure hell and he was the liar.

I'm so mad at myself for not stopping it way back when and for not speaking up for me. I am worth it. I am worth it.

I started dreaming again and he smashed that dream to bits, or did he? Maybe he planted the seed to me dreaming again.

The snow has began to melt off & the hope of Spring coming is just round the corner, maybe my hope is just around the corner too. Maybe my rebirth is coming. All I know for sure at this early early hour today is that I am worth it.

My dad might not stand up for me, my past relationships show me that they think I am not worth it, but I am. Heart soul 100% I'm worth it!

Thanks Lord! I needed to get that out tonight!

Now hopefully to go back to sleep,

Me.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Yes Lord

Some days I manage fine, others not so much. A lot of questions cloud my view and mind and leave me in a mess. I have been to the doctor and I am peri menopausal. That is a pretty name for a terrible thing in life that leaves me feeling like I want to jump off a cliff.

I can attest to my mood swings, my feelings of complete frustration and my lack of memory to this pretty little word. But not my heartache.

It still overwhelms me even a week later.

But just like every other time in my life I have to "cowboy" up and deal with it. I must admit though that I want so desperately to have some sort of answer. But I don't think it is ever going to come, so I like Before find myself saying Yes Lord I still believe.

Until my next complete thought (yes I laughed),

Me.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Dreams

Finding this life again, is there one out there?

What defines this life?

The number of times that I get frustrated must minus some of the "life I find" right?, and the number of loads of laundry I do must add to something right? The number of times I wipe Sophie's face must account for something right? The number of kids I fed today at lunch has to count too shouldn't it?

I'm still stunned that all that I thought was real, wasn't at all.

I was truthful, I was honest, too much to a point. I was also foolish, and naive, and taken as a joke.

I've lived through this pain before, I wasn't enough & this life was too much for Tim. Richie was all wrong, his comments well they just about killed me. Then there was this guy…, all a mess, all my foolishness.

My biggest regret saying hello from the beginning. What good came from that? I hurt like I had just walked away from a marriage. Feeling deceived and frustrated that I took so much garbage from him.

So it's over and all is gone, literally all is gone. So now I wipe the tears & go on. Remembering to breath in & breath out.

So my Saturday was M I N E. I spent it shopping & I missed my kids so much. I paid dearly for my sitter, but Dear God she was awesome! THANK YOU!

I must say that this last "relationship" has done some things for me. It helped me take out the trash in my life. It has helped me rid people that are not good for me. So I guess that's it, that is what the good was for.

I'm praying about something in my life too, I think I'm going to put my house on the market, I want to move to the country. I want some privacy. I need it desperately. I think that I might already have a buyer!! Fingers crossed. Plus with my job, I can live where ever & as long as I transport the kids, they can go to school in town.

I've been reading a book by Max Lucado and he equivocates the story of Joseph & the coat of many colors to surviving a hard time in this life and how Joseph overcame everything to be blessed greater than he could have ever dreamt.

The most heartbreaking thing about this lost "relationship" was the fact that I allowed myself to dream again & then all the sudden it all crashed. I felt foolish for dreaming again. I don't know how to dream without begin hurt, what I learned is that I have to dream dreams with God's Will as the leading player. I have to not trust man to carry out my dreams.

Keep me strong Lord. Keep me breathing in and out, that is all I ask for today!

Much Love, Me.