Monday, March 10, 2014

A letter from me to "you"

My heart broke again yesterday, ok ok a couple of times yesterday I’m sure I’m still very hormonal with all the garbage that this aging body is going through, but a tear is a tear and a pain in the heart where you struggle to breathe is still pain.

I don’t know who reads this, maybe nobody. But on the slight chance that it is “somebody” this is for you.

You were a part of my life and the life of my children long enough for us to love you. Not just you, but your family, and your life, and the idea of dreams. We loved it all. The plans we all made were as set in our minds as our trip to Disney is.

You made an impression on our lives. The one before you planted the seeds of dreams & hope, and you watered it & made them grow.

Then things happened, some of…ok a lot of…I don’t understand. There was a change and things got hard on me emotionally. It just was hard.

I don’t know why things changed.

I know I was blamed, but I really think as much as I walked softly through that situation, I hope that you will step in my shoes & understand my view too. Lot’s of hurt, lots of it. But I stuffed it down deep & tried to be patient (which we know is not a virtue of mine), tried to be understanding because you weren’t feeling well.

I wanted to run off & find someone to say “It’s going to be okay”, I couldn’t. This situation showed me that I had a lot of people around me that didn’t love me, and proved that, ask my ex husband.

God has used this situation to take out the “garbage” in my life. I’ve never felt more alone, I have to go on I don’t have a choice. So I wipe my tears, & go on.

I will make it through this, but I will never ever ever be the same after this. I am a changed person, and I hope for the better. Guess God will let me know that.

You hurt me, but I forgive you because I am stronger and more focused now on my life and finding my dream. I will live where I can watch the cows one day & I will smile at that sunset over the mountains and I will praise God because of you all who brought back my ability to dream and have hope.

I miss you dearly. More than you can ever imagine. Ever. Even though I have so many questions I cling to what I know is true. That God delivered you to me for a purpose and a reason, and a season. And if God ever should bring you to me, I will hug you so hard and…well who knows.

Much love from me to you.