Finding this life again, is there one out there?
What defines this life?
The number of times that I get frustrated must minus some of the "life I find" right?, and the number of loads of laundry I do must add to something right? The number of times I wipe Sophie's face must account for something right? The number of kids I fed today at lunch has to count too shouldn't it?
I'm still stunned that all that I thought was real, wasn't at all.
I was truthful, I was honest, too much to a point. I was also foolish, and naive, and taken as a joke.
I've lived through this pain before, I wasn't enough & this life was too much for Tim. Richie was all wrong, his comments well they just about killed me. Then there was this guy…, all a mess, all my foolishness.
My biggest regret saying hello from the beginning. What good came from that? I hurt like I had just walked away from a marriage. Feeling deceived and frustrated that I took so much garbage from him.
So it's over and all is gone, literally all is gone. So now I wipe the tears & go on. Remembering to breath in & breath out.
So my Saturday was M I N E. I spent it shopping & I missed my kids so much. I paid dearly for my sitter, but Dear God she was awesome! THANK YOU!
I must say that this last "relationship" has done some things for me. It helped me take out the trash in my life. It has helped me rid people that are not good for me. So I guess that's it, that is what the good was for.
I'm praying about something in my life too, I think I'm going to put my house on the market, I want to move to the country. I want some privacy. I need it desperately. I think that I might already have a buyer!! Fingers crossed. Plus with my job, I can live where ever & as long as I transport the kids, they can go to school in town.
I've been reading a book by Max Lucado and he equivocates the story of Joseph & the coat of many colors to surviving a hard time in this life and how Joseph overcame everything to be blessed greater than he could have ever dreamt.
The most heartbreaking thing about this lost "relationship" was the fact that I allowed myself to dream again & then all the sudden it all crashed. I felt foolish for dreaming again. I don't know how to dream without begin hurt, what I learned is that I have to dream dreams with God's Will as the leading player. I have to not trust man to carry out my dreams.
Keep me strong Lord. Keep me breathing in and out, that is all I ask for today!
Much Love, Me.