Monday, March 24, 2014

thank YOU

Good evening Lord,

I'm finding myself in a really unusual place…Sophie's asleep and Ian & Kennedy are watching wrestling at my parents.

I could be up doing so many things but my heart just isn't in it.

I want to be here, thinking and praying.

You must be getting ready to do something magnificent in my life because I feel evil surrounding me more and more each day. The weekend was extremely difficult with babysitters backing out on me, a fight with my mom, terrible dealings with my ex, a fever with Sophie, exhaustion with Kennedy, a grumpy woman at the play, insanity at work & the hateful undertones. I know I have to have blinders on & focus, not on the carrot, but on the cross.

Lead me, just don't leave me. I'm scared. I fear not what others can do to me but how I can fail YOU and my children. People don't understand what I've been through recently and the condition of my heart. I think that my dad might and it makes me sad. Sad that he sees my hurt. But he doesn't say it & I won't say it. I have to keep going & eventually the hurt won't hurt near as badly.

Tomorrow I am going out of town for work for the night. I will spend 4.5 hrs in a car with my cousin and I will make conversation about everything, but these last few months. I will pretend and put on my smiling val face & pretend that my life is whole and complete & that I am ok. But inside I'm lost and struggling.

I prayed and prayed that if it weren't to be that you would take it away from me and remove it from my life, YOU did. Thank You for saving me in more ways than 1, thank You.

love much, me