I'm up, it's 3 am, it seems a different date on the calendar but the same day in day out.
I'm really a mess lately.
My kids were gone an hour & half & I was asleep in bed w/Sophie.
How sad is that?
Then when she is fussy & up at 2:30 am, I'm frustrated because I want to sleep. So here I am up at 3 am, and wondering what man would want this mess? What person would say, I want that kind of chaos in my life? Hence all the ones who walked away.
I think of all the things that Tim did, Richie did & said & the garbage I put up with with the last one. The things he said, that he said he KNEW to be true, weren't. He didn't know my heart, what he read or believed from putting pieces together weren't the me I am. So I sat and listened to a man say, you loved this, you did that, you felt this, you felt that. He didn't know how I felt. He has never walked in my shoes. He judged me for things that happened over 20 years ago. All the while deceiving me & lying to me. I endured pure hell and he was the liar.
I'm so mad at myself for not stopping it way back when and for not speaking up for me. I am worth it. I am worth it.
I started dreaming again and he smashed that dream to bits, or did he? Maybe he planted the seed to me dreaming again.
The snow has began to melt off & the hope of Spring coming is just round the corner, maybe my hope is just around the corner too. Maybe my rebirth is coming. All I know for sure at this early early hour today is that I am worth it.
My dad might not stand up for me, my past relationships show me that they think I am not worth it, but I am. Heart soul 100% I'm worth it!
Thanks Lord! I needed to get that out tonight!
Now hopefully to go back to sleep,