Even If...

Breathe in and breath out.... shouldn't be so hard now should it?

Add anxiety in and its a physical exercise, a mind producing exercise that I have to control.

I've listened and read articles that say anxiety is of the devil, that it's a byproduct of wanting to control everything. I believe it.

I want things to go so so, I don't want things to go so so and when they are switched up, I'm a wreck and everyone around me is suddenly demoted to 2nd class and the me and my control issues want to walk in and take over.

Last night I listened to a sermon on Jonah. Chapter 3 and 4. God said Go and Jonah went and when he got there he did what God said to do. Things were good with those who Jonah witnessed too, but because Jonah had this self conceived notion that he didn't like the folks he had witnessed too he was ticked off at God. Said he would just rather die than have to see those people blessed.

Is this me? Am I stomping around like a spoiled Jonah saying "uh not again".... "why me"... seriously as I'm typing this my 5 yo is stomping bc she is upset because she is having to pick off the little candies off the brownie I got her saying "why me"...

The concerns of Jonah were misguided...he didn't care about the people of Ninevah he cared about his  desires.

Is this me today? Am I not caring that I have 2 of 3 kiddos, we are good, my house (minus my room) is CLEANED!!!, at the present time it's not raining, and things are good. Am I overlooking my blessings because I'm instead looking for or expecting a curse?

YES!!! I will clearly answer that question myself. YES!!!

I had such an awesome time last night and am so afraid of rejection. Even if rejection was sent by God for my blessing....

Even if...

Love me.

Nerves

Nerves are bad tonight. Kind of feeling like my insides are vibrating to the sound of nonsense. Too much noise in my life at times leads me to feeling like this.

I tend to want to shut down the outside world and just breathe.

The only sounds I want and I need to hear are the breaths going in and out.

I watched a special on 60 Minutes about the Saudi Prince. Very interesting.

I like news shows that give exposure to other cultures. However every second of the program I had a 5 year old wanting to talk, sing, dance, and be absolutely annoying as ever. I just wanted 15 minutes. I didn't get it. Instead I sent her to her room and we are on a break from each other.

Single parenting sucks.

I just wanted to watch that news show.

I can tell I'm stressed because my ears are hurting. I need to relax, and I will, but I'm sure there will be the battle of bedtime before it happens.

I use to wonder why God woke me up nearly overnight at 2 AM... I think he was saying "soak up the quiet my daughter, it won't be quiet like this for much longer".


Much love,

Me.

Today and always...

Last night my dad called me, I know why he called. He called because he knows I will listen and I care. His best friend and his cousin, John is dying of cancer.

John has been a stable and constant part of my life. He knows and has seen my hurts and damage done by my mom and my sister. He promised me to take care of things with them if something every happened with my dad. He was suppose to be my protector. But most of all he was my validation that things were as I thought they were.

Now he is dying.

I've lost a lot of people in the last year. Cancer is awful. I hate it.

This one is rough to go through.

My dad cried last night. That was hard to hear. I'm glad he feels comfortable enough to come to me, but it doesn't make the situation any easier.

I want so badly to craw up in the lap of God and rest from this life. But until I'm able to do it I will put my shoes on and conquer this day, minute by minute, situation by situation.

God is my glory. Today. And always.

Much love, me.

I'm back!

I'm back in business!!! Woo Hoo!!! My journey has been long coming and the lessons along the way were really enlightening, but I'm here now and ready to get back at it.

School year is busy and non stop, but that's to be expected with 3 kiddos!

So it's Friday night in my world and my jammies are on by 5 PM. Dinner will be picked up and bedtime will be early.

I desperately want to go shopping, ALONE, but since that's not in the cards I will window shop online. Plus we all have the cold crap so we will most likely be snuggled up all weekend. Minus a play tomorrow, no big plans for us.

I can't seem to wrap my head around the vacation this year that I need to desperately plan, but it is so overwhelming that I just haven't yet.

Well just dropped in to say hello and to say watch because I'm back!!!!

Much love, Me.