Today I still keep waiting for that call…that attitude…the condemnation.
My friend once went to a therapist and was asked how have you been, my friend replied “good, but I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop”. The therapist replied, “why? It’s ok to have a good day, and it’s ok that sometimes bad things happen.” Having a bad day, doesn’t mean you have a bad life right?!!!!
So yes the call may come and the attitude, and the condemnation, and a ton of other yuck…but God directs me and holds me up when I can no longer stand.
Last night was bad.
I told my friend I wanted to run away, he asked if he could come too. I said no. I truly mean it too. Nothing against him, but my fantasy of running away to a quiet place where I snuggle with books and hot coffee and music I can sing as loud as I want too, is my heaven. It’s where I am at peace. I can’t take anyone there. This has upset him and he no longer is speaking to me. Sorry no amount of guilt will wreck my peaceful retreat.
In my breaking a part last night I tried to explain why I was so hurt, I got the I will always stand beside you…blah blah blah…yes I was in that mood and quickly shot back…yeah heard that before…yeah I know…but when you are in the fire and feeling the flames the last thing you want to hear is “next time I will….”. Let’s make sure there isn’t a next time!! That seems to be more my answer.
Being an independent momma for 5 years is really really hard to believe and fall into the chitter chatter of someone who doesn’t understand the full concept of responsibility.
To someone who has not had to lean on the shoulder of God or be carried through the moments that seem to last forever there simply is no understanding. Walk that walk, look beside you and see no one around EXCEPT for God and you will soon realize who you can count on. Cry at night, see who is there. God is it and I have had to lean into HIM to simply take steps, I have had to ask HIM to blink, move my lungs, make my heart beat because I have been simply without anything in me to do that. When I’m there, in the depths of despair, HE answered the call every time.
Every single time.
Much Love, Me.