Thursday, May 1, 2014

YOU Lord teach me to love.

Last night I laid in bed with a migraine praying Sophie would go to sleep. I wanted to puke the pain was so intense. Ian crawled in bed & said nothing. I whispered to him Ian, and he answered yes momma, I said pray for me please my head is hurting so badly. He said I will and drifted off to sleep.

This morning I was dealing with an old situation and my nerves were shot, I was trying to get to work, 2 kids to school (1 which is sick & had to go to the dr) & 1 to mawmaws.

At one point it was just me and Ian. I said, “buddy, I need you to pray for me, I just don’t feel like I can keep up.” He said, “momma, I will and I prayed last night too for you.” I love him so much.

He is only 7 and he is the man of our house. I say probably too much to him for his age, but when you are the only adult and need someone to just listen it happens.

We walked out the door and got in the car to leave, at 1 point it was just Ian and I again and I closed my eyes. I prayed, a deep prayer, a prayer that covered us all & begged for God’s Grace and help in my day.

I know parenting doesn’t come with a manual and I know we shouldn’t compare ourselves with others. I know that like I know my name. But then why do I feel I’m doing this wrong? That I don’t measure up in this life?

Lord, I don’t know the answers to those questions. I also am not sure I know how to love. Loving my children is natural, it’s like breathing without it I would die. It’s not a thought or a choice.

But loving another? That’s a choice you make. When my grandparents were married, they didn’t make the right choice about loving the other one. They shared a very hard and abusive relationship. My parents, don’t choose love, they too have a harsh relationship, not physically but mentally. My marriage ended because my ex-husband didn’t choose loving us over a life of less responsibility. And Sophie’s dad, chose alcohol over choosing to love.

So Lord, I’m looking to YOU. I know I see love when I think that you bear my burdens, and cry along side of me, that YOU care when I’ve had a bad day & when I don’t know what to do, when I feel lonely, and without options.

YOU Lord, YOU bore it all on a cross. YOU said that “Val, she’s worth it.” The lashes, the punishment, the pain, all of it. YOU show me love when I think of the cross.

YOU are my desire. YOU are the one I need to take my hand today, right now, right here, and help me. Lord, I’m not alone I know. I read about it every day that there are other momma’s out there just like me. But our battles are lonely battles. Help us Lord, help us to see love and know that there is life beyond the dishes, the laundry, and the daily grind.

Bless me Father so that I may in turn bless someone else.

Much love, me.