Lord it is in the quietness after the chaos that I now find myself sitting in.
Wet with tears.
How am I suppose to do this? How do I teach my kids respect? How am I suppose to love them and teach them discipline and not hug them off when their in trouble and crying?
I want to be the good mommy sometimes.
I'm tired of harping and nagging, pick this up, pick that up, get to the tub, where is your freezer pack, the list of questions and directions is miles long. When will I get to just love and not teach?
The bad part is the angry words that I speak. I wish so desperately to be able to use the delete key and erase them forever. But they are already there.
Their dad doesn't care. You see they are an inconvenience to him and his new wifey. This isn't the life he wanted I remind myself.
Lord when will there be a balance of effort of what I give to my children and love and respect from them. Never I'm sure.
I look at that last sentence and it catches me off guard. I have recently come to realize that my relationship with my mother & my father is conditional. My mom loves me without condition as long as am living according to "her" views of life (ie: man basher, hater of my dad & his family, grumpy and unhappy) and my dad loves me without condition as long as he doesn't have to love me in front of my mom. You see there is this "your dad loves you more than anyone else" battle that my mom wages, basically all the time.
What I need to realize is that just because my parents love like that doesn't mean that I have to love or receive love like that. Note to self- not everyones love is conditional. Especially not my children's. They love me because I love them and they can count on me. I'm am their stability, their constant, their peace. That sounds awfully familiar- it's because God is those things to me! He loves me unconditionally. I love him and I can count on HIM. HE is my stability, my constant, my peace. They love me like I love my Savior.
I needed to write this out to find that piece of the puzzle that now makes sense. Parenting these kids isn't much different than being parented by the Savior. He forgives and I need to as well.
The things in the floor will not make the night break in two, it will not make the earth shake and shutter. It will be okay. The unfolded laundry will be okay left unfolded for another day. And the dishes won't be going anywhere anytime soon. But this day, this April 25, 2013 will only happen once. I will not let this day pass without peace between me and my children.
Thanks for listening! Got something I have to go do...
Night.
