Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Still accepting change

I began the “chrismtas-ing” of my house on Sunday. I emptied boxes, carried stuff in, set stuff out, turned on lights, cleaned and finally got everything but the tree up. Our house looked homey and very festive even without the tree. The kids came home from a visit with their dad and were so excited!

So last night I began the battle with the tree. It is a hand me down from my mom, and it’s a big one. My living room is very narrow so I really don’t have the room for this tree, but since money is non-existent it will have to do.

I knew from the get go I wasn’t pleased with it, but also knew I didn’t have a choice. So when I drug it out of the box and began to put it together my heart sank. It didn’t look like I wanted it to look. There was no clean smell, only a dusty odor, the branches still needed to be fluffed and the fact that it was leaning didn’t help matters. I sat down in my rocker and began to cry. 

My pity party started out with why do I have to get the hand me downs, it then went to all the comments from my sister about their money stash and their new tree they just went and bought, and how much I don’t have in comparasion. Richie came out to try to help and I bit his head off and he left me alone. Ian came out to read to me a story from his school book and I had no other choice but to sit and listen.

I knew/know that I am blessed beyond belief, so why do I allow myself to be pulled down by the weight of comparing myself to others? My kids don’t see a tree that leans or even the idea of it being a hand me down, they see Christmas. They see a time of excitement and wonder, they don’t care about the “non-perfect” tree or the fact that money is tight.

My poor attitude with the tree only made matters much much worse with Richie and an argument began. I sat in tears, he sat in anger, and Kennedy looked at me and quietly said “I love you mom” and I cried some more.

As a single mom the holidays are rough. It’s a reminder that my family isn’t the “family” it use to be. I know it’s better now with Ms. Sophie but I lived for 20 years with this idea of how my “family” was going to be and for the past 3 years its been different. I just can’t seem to program my thinking into this new idea of how it is.

I wouldn’t go backwards for anything in the world. But reprograming our minds and our hearts to be accepting of a new way of life is difficult at best. God says in Habakkuk 3:17-19 that though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Soverign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights.

My salvation this day, this month, this season of finding myself still accepting change is my Lord. HE is the one who will save me from the pit, will rescue me from my guilt, will remind me that I’m not to be compared to others, and help me remember that I am loved no matter how bad of a day I’ve had. HE is my rescuer. I find myself today wanting to lay my head in HIS lap and let HIM remind me that it will be ok, that this is a joyful season, that all my problems don’t matter at all and that HE is in control.

I will be okay, I know it, my hurts will go away, and (hopefully soon) my hormones will be in check, but for now I will cry when I need to and shout praises to HIM even through my tears.