Sunday, August 5, 2012

The closing of this week...

This week has been filled with raw emotion, that kind that reaches down and makes you go “ugh”.

Lesson reminded…if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck then irregardless if it’s wearing a chicken costume its still a duck. No matter if its family, friend, or foe, a duck is a duck. And an ill-meaning person will not benefit you in any way.

I love my family, but just because a person is called family doesn’t mean that they are capable of loving you in return. Whether or not they have the “family” description in your address book doesn’t mean that they will not hurt you. And for some reason the hurt they cause cuts deeper.

I don’t know why we tend to think that our family won’t hurt us. But they just do, it’s always deeper and more painful. I want to believe that they know us better than anyone else and want us not to feel pain, but that isn’t the case, in some situations they take advantage of being able to cause that hurt and run with it.

This week someone did that to me. The hurt and the accusations that were hurled at me were too much, and I broke. And when I broke I went into immediate self protection mode, pulling my children close and blocking out the world until I felt safe again.

Once I felt a twing of safety I went into the next stage which was self-explanation or being on a defensive front. Why do I think that I need to defend myself against this person I will never know. Their opinion of me doesn’t matter in the least, it will not make or break my today or my tomorrow. But it is an automatic response that luckily I didn’t go into.

I know that God is saying to me, love your family, love your friends, but know “I” am the only one whose love is permanent.

I’m scared.

In my life there are those people who have been permanent and loved me unconditionally and there are those who have loved me conditionally. God has never loved me conditionally, HE has always loved me unconditionally. HE is my … everything. HE has provided for me financially, for me physically, for me a way when there was no way for me to make it, it is all because of HIM that I am here today, in a 3 bedroom/2 bath house sitting in a comfy bed typing this message while listening to an ipod, and typing on a laptop, eating chex mix, all the while a small little baby kicking and moving inside of me. HE has given me this opportunity. HE has given me this baby to love and to adore, to make me feel overwhelmed and scared and confused all for the purpose of knowing that HE is my only provider. HE and HE alone. Richie (or really even Prince Harry) could walk through that door and vow to take care of me forever, but there is always the possibility that they will walk away and leave me, but not God- HE promises!