This week has been filled with raw emotion, that kind that
reaches down and makes you go “ugh”.
Lesson reminded…if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a
duck then irregardless if it’s wearing a chicken costume its still a duck. No
matter if its family, friend, or foe, a duck is a duck. And an ill-meaning
person will not benefit you in any way.
I love my family, but just because a person is called family
doesn’t mean that they are capable of loving you in return. Whether or not they
have the “family” description in your address book doesn’t mean that they will
not hurt you. And for some reason the hurt they cause cuts deeper.
I don’t know why we tend to think that our family won’t hurt
us. But they just do, it’s always deeper and more painful. I want to believe
that they know us better than anyone else and want us not to feel pain, but
that isn’t the case, in some situations they take advantage of being able to
cause that hurt and run with it.
This week someone did that to me. The hurt and the accusations
that were hurled at me were too much, and I broke. And when I broke I went into
immediate self protection mode, pulling my children close and blocking out the
world until I felt safe again.
Once I felt a twing of safety I went into the next stage
which was self-explanation or being on a defensive front. Why do I think that I
need to defend myself against this person I will never know. Their opinion of
me doesn’t matter in the least, it will not make or break my today or my
tomorrow. But it is an automatic response that luckily I didn’t go into.
I know that God is saying to me, love your family, love your
friends, but know “I” am the only one whose love is permanent.
I’m scared.
In my life there are those people who have been permanent
and loved me unconditionally and there are those who have loved me
conditionally. God has never loved me conditionally, HE has always loved me
unconditionally. HE is my … everything. HE has provided for me financially, for
me physically, for me a way when there was no way for me to make it, it is all
because of HIM that I am here today, in a 3 bedroom/2 bath house sitting in a
comfy bed typing this message while listening to an ipod, and typing on a
laptop, eating chex mix, all the while a small little baby kicking and moving
inside of me. HE has given me this opportunity. HE has given me this baby to
love and to adore, to make me feel overwhelmed and scared and confused all for
the purpose of knowing that HE is my only provider. HE and HE alone. Richie (or
really even Prince Harry) could walk through that door and vow to take care of
me forever, but there is always the possibility that they will walk away and
leave me, but not God- HE promises!
